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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner constantly on phone

24 replies

LondonLady29 · 19/04/2015 22:32

My partner is addicted to his phone. Whenever we see each other if we get 20 minutes of uninterrupted chat I almost feel grateful. Halfway through a conversation he'll pick up his phone and just be lost in it and completely ignore me I'll just be sitting there waiting for him to send various texts, tweets, what's app messages. It's so boring and rude. We never have quality time becaue of it. When we have dinner I insist he doesn't have it on the table but when it vibrates that he has a message I can see him itching to get to it. He has to use Twitter a lot as part of his job so when I complain about it he usually uses that as an excuse. Just had a bit of a Cold War about it again. I'm sick of being the nag but I'm so angry about this. Does anyone else have a similar problem, and if so how do you deal with it? He's lost in a world of social media and I'm so bored of it. AIBU?

OP posts:

greeneggsandjam · 19/04/2015 23:10

No. That sounds very boring indeed and most annoying. If its only for his job then I suppose he may not have a choice but if its just for random stuff then its pointless.

skinoncustard · 19/04/2015 23:25

Just had a bit of a Cold War about it again.

You posted that at 22-32 on a Sunday night. Is it really work related? To be honest, even if it was I would be beyond mad!
I would not be playing second fiddle to a phone, I hope they will be very happy together.

maddening · 19/04/2015 23:28

How long have you been together ? Do you live together?

If this is a new relationship - can you imagine this being the norm in the long run?

If this is a long term relationship - has he always been like this?

DarthVadersTailor · 19/04/2015 23:30

How to deal with it?

Troll him on Twitter.

Coyoacan · 20/04/2015 04:21

I wouldn't take that from a friend, let alone a partner.

googoodolly · 20/04/2015 05:20

It is rude - he's an adult and should be capable of going without his phone for a few hours!

Luckily for me, DP is the total opposite, doesn't do social media and is a bit of a technological luddite!

ememem84 · 20/04/2015 06:21

Agree. Troll him on twitter.

shewept · 20/04/2015 06:32

Yes of course go ahead and troll his business account.

Tbh I got a bit like this when I set my business up. I found people expected and immediate response. One day I was trying to do accounts and the phones buzzing, kept winding me up.

Now, I only check twitter once in the morning once in the afternoon. Never on weekends.

I learnt I need to prioritise better and that people will just gave to wait sometimes because its fucking annoying to spend time with someone who is always on their phone.

You need to tell him, not in an argument, how it makes you feel. I would pissed off if dh was answering emails at 11pm or while I was trying to talk to him.

Customers have never complained that we aren't quick to reply, so I was probably wrong about their expectations.

If he is using as an excuse to do all sorts that needs to stop as well.

Original poster

LondonLady29 · 20/04/2015 07:19

Thanks for your responses we have been together for about two years and live together. I told him again last night how I feel about it but not sure it has sunk in as I've told him so many times before and nothing changes. I don't want to troll his Twitter. I've tried "fighting Fire with Fire" and just going on my phone and ignoring him whilst he does it but obviously he loves that and just carries on oblivious. He doesn't understand how rude or annoying it is and when I say anything about it I'm the nag and he just brushes it off.

OP posts:

CaptainAnkles · 20/04/2015 07:22

Tweet 'fuck this for a game of soldiers #youredumped'

shewept · 20/04/2015 07:24

Can you tell him you want to sit down and have a conversation about when you are both calm?

Having an argument isn't the same as telling him when calm.

If you can't do that. Then that is problem. That you feel you can communicate with him and that he doesn't care about how you feel.

Is that the case?

FinallyHere · 20/04/2015 07:26

And you are with him because?

Just wondering.

angelos02 · 20/04/2015 07:27

I work with someone like this. It is so needy & sad. If I didn't work with her, I'd get rid simply because of her phone obsession.

LineRunner · 20/04/2015 07:35

Unfortunately I think you have a fundamental incompatibility issue.

Icimoi · 20/04/2015 08:12

What does he say when you tell him your views? He ought to be able to make a constructive response, e.g. that he will put the phone away when he gets home unless there is a specific emergency he knows he has to deal with, or that he will only check once every two hours and, when he does so, will only respond to things that really really can't wait. If he's not prepared to do that he needs to be aware that he could well end up with only his phone for company.

Coyoacan · 20/04/2015 15:15

And you are with him because?

Do tell us why you are with him, really, because I just have an image of someone sitting staring at their phone, like a non-human in a way. I find I am much more lonely in company like that than by myself.

frankbough · 20/04/2015 15:27

Mrs Bough does this from time to time, one of our long running niggles.. I think it's really bloody rude, she on the other hand thinks I'm uptight.. grr..

hotfuzzra · 20/04/2015 15:28

Instead of nagging have you told him how you feel?
I would say to him 'Darling I feel very rejected and sidelined when you treat me like this. I don't know if you think this is acceptable because you need social media for work, but can we agree to a phone free zone perhaps every night whilst we have dinner? I don't mind if you're using it while I'm watching Vera but I'd like some time every day to be able to catch up and talk about our days. When you ignore me I think it's very hurtful and disrespectful.'
If he cannot see his behaviour is upsetting and make some sort of compromise then he's a twat and you should LTB.

MistressDeeCee · 20/04/2015 15:41

Does his job require him to be on Twitter when he's NOT at work? Why does his work need to be done in your time together? & Id bet its not just Twitter..he is doing that aimless thing some do, checking FB updates, news, sport, forums etc. They are the type of people who can't put the phone down lest they miss the next bit of trivia thats un-essential to their lives.

I do think you should talk to him. But, one more time only as you've already let him know how you feel. Men are not boys who need guidance and things repeated to them it won't magically make them listen to you if they're not inclined to. If he was being reasonable you wouldn't be at this stage.

Good luck...tbh you are patient because a man like that would bore me absolutely shitless..the whole aspect of being welded to a phone says "NO LIFE" to me...rather, its a life watching everybody else's life in the virtual world, and not nurturing your own (real) life. Maybe you will get bored of him and that will resolve it all. If not well then..he and his phone can wrap up together and live unhappily ever after...

Original poster

LondonLady29 · 20/04/2015 18:25

Thanks all. In all other aspects he's a great partner and a big support and positive influence in my life. Caring, supportive, fun. As this job has started to take over he won't leave his phone alone though so it's got progressively worse in past couple of months and I know it's not just work stuff, also mindless online crap which a previous poster mentioned. One of his family members noticed and asked him to put his phone away and he snapped it was work.

I'm going to see if last night's discussion hit home, although from past experience I think it will be temporary. Next time there's an issue I think I'm going to have to make much more of a point of saying "This is an issue is our relationship. You're here but I feel like you're not. It feels rude and I feel sidelined. We need to put boundaries in place."

In past when I've mentioned it it's either a snap or made into a joke.

Any helpful additions gratefully received!

OP posts:

LineRunner · 20/04/2015 18:50

I couldn't be doing with all the snapping.

possumbird · 20/04/2015 18:52

Communicate solely with him via his phone.

Text him to ask if he wants a cup of tea.
Tweet him to tell him the bins need to be put out.
Email him to say you're going out with your mates for a drink.
Instagram him a pic of his packed suitcase

Original poster

LondonLady29 · 20/04/2015 20:29

Possum bird LOL X

OP posts:

AdeleDazeem · 20/04/2015 20:34

Hi LondonLady
waves from a different corner of the same club

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