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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think incredulously demanding to know 'why you put up with it' is unhelpful

24 replies

printedflorals · 19/04/2015 12:44

The advice on here is excellent and can be extremely helpful. The breadth of knowledge and ages and areas of expertise mean that if you are dealing with someone passing away when abroad, baby refusing a bottle or dealing with elderly parents you can usually find someone with a side dish of support, kindness and empathy. I love Mumsnet :)

BUT. AIBU to have recently started noticing a slightly different 'tint' to some of the advice?

It is when someone has behaved in a manner that's inconsiderate, irritating or downright rude and someone posts about it. Amongst helpful replies, there are a LOT of posts along the lines of - why do you put up with it, how stupid you are for not having said something, how wimpy/ stupid / victim-like you are.

If you're anything like me, sometimes little irritations build up over time: to cite my own example, I posted about friend buzzing round shops like a bluebottle with the runs and I DID have some brilliant suggestions which I'm grateful for :) But, I struggled to express that the sort of extreme reaction recommended by some wouldn't be appropriate - it was a build up of stuff.

Then on other occasions - if some people are anything like me you don't often think of something to say until the moment has passed and you're just a bit taken aback and shocked and only thinking about it later you think 'gosh!'

The other example that is particularly applicable to me is that 'saying something' (especially in the aggressive way put forward by some!) really can lead to a horrible atmosphere and sometimes, you have to weigh up whether that's worth it. I have someone at work who does something over and over that really annoys me but saying something would create a hostile atmosphere. Ranting on here lets people just let it go :)

I suppose what I'm saying is, the hints that the op is the one at fault are soundly slapped down when it's an abusove relationship and rightly so - but it can be just as difficult to tackle rudeness and annoyances in everyday life.

AIBU to think the 'robustness' on here just sometimes goes TOO FAR?

OP posts:

drudgetrudy · 19/04/2015 13:03

I agree that it sometimes smacks of victim-blaming, like bullying.
Its fine to ask someone to think about why they are tolerating something but sometimes the tone is more of a put down.

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 13:06

How does the writer know the robustness limits of the OP? Is there a questionnaire somewhere?

PeppermintCrayon · 19/04/2015 13:14

Hmm. I remember your thread. You made it sound like it was all the other person's doing and you had no choice, no agency, no part in it whatsoever, it just, you know, happened.

I think it was completely reasonable to ask why you sat there waiting for her and didn't say anything because, as I said on your thread, you can't expect your friend to know it's annoying if you pretend it's not.

Sorry if you just wanted to be told it was all her doing. But sometimes when we don't like other people's opinions or advice it's because it's actually correct...

PeppermintCrayon · 19/04/2015 13:15

I also suggested a polite way to broach it with her.

TedAndLola · 19/04/2015 13:16

Ignoring the fact that you're talking about a specific thread then yes, that kind of "advice" is smug twattery.

drudgetrudy · 19/04/2015 13:16

I haven't read the other thread-it depends on the context and how its said.

Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 13:19

Sometimes it is a genuine question. Why do you put up with it? The intention is to suggest that the poster thinks about that. Really, properly thinks about it. Because if they can work out what motivates them, then they are halfway to solving the problem.

Why do you put up with it? Because I've been taught that its rude to express my opinions. Why didn't you say something at the time? Because I'm afraid of upsetting someone else, etc.

emotionsecho · 19/04/2015 13:22

I think it's frustrating when posters come on clearly upset about something someone does or says repeatedly and then says "but I can't say/do anything about it because he/she is such a good friend. " They are not 'such a good friend' if you can't be honest with them about how what they say/do makes you feel.

Also in other instances with colleagues/acquaintances, why not speak out, what's the worst that could happen, what are people afraid will happen if they do?

Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 13:25

I had a quick look at your other thread OP and it does seem that you didn't stop to take on board what posters were saying. You kept giving more and more reasons why you couldn't say 'no' to your friend.

So, as I said above, it is helpful if you slow down and ask yourself the questions that others are asking you.

Original poster

printedflorals · 19/04/2015 13:26

Peppermint, I did say there was loads of helpful stuff as well :)

I cited mine as a for instance as it just feels rude to do it to someone else's thread without their consent as it were but I notice it a lot on here.

I have good friends who I would struggle to tell certain things to. Largely because they are my friends so naturally I want to be kind :)

OP posts:

shewept · 19/04/2015 13:31

I sometimes ask this. Because I genuinely want to know if there are reasons. Lets be honest, drip feeding is not uncommon on here. Also when you are moaning that a person is constantly pissing you off, I would like to know the reasons why you put up with it.

The reasons could be personal issues with conflict, mental health, ASD, guilt etc. Its hard to form an opinion unless you know the reason the OP is willing to spend time with someone when they don't enjoy their company.

Also sometimes its to prompt the OP to actually think about why they do put up with stuff that upsets them. Sometime asking 'why DO you put up with it?' May prompt them to actually think about it.

Its not about victim blaming, at least in my case.

PeppermintCrayon · 19/04/2015 13:37

I have good friends who I would struggle to tell certain things to. Largely because they are my friends so naturally I want to be kind

So maybe it's useful to see that your idea of being kind doesn't seem to match everyone else's? And to ask yourself what you can take from that?

If nobody asked, you'd think it was normal to put up with it.

Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 13:38

I have good friends who I would struggle to tell certain things to. Largely because they are my friends so naturally I want to be kind

But don't you think that they should afford you the same courtesy? Being kind is fine but not if it's always you putting other's first.

Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 13:39

*other's needs first

drudgetrudy · 19/04/2015 14:00

"Think why you are prepared to tolerate this" and "Ffs, why are you still speaking to these people?" are different-I have seen both types of post.
The latter is likely to make the OP feel worse,I think.

AugustVZ · 19/04/2015 14:01

Sometimes the passive aggression is just irritating, though. Long rants about a friend's behaviour (which is occasionally so appalling you think... really?), and then the OP completely ignores or refuses any suggestions. No: I couldn't possibly say anything. I'm too nice. I shall just seethe silently and judge and moan to other people.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 19/04/2015 14:03

So you've had conflicting views on your post? Welcome to MN. It happens. Not everyone is going to pile in with "poor ickle you, isn't she just a big meanie?" Some are going to tell you to get a pair and stand up for yourself. It's the nature of a public forum - you'll get various responses.

PeppermintCrayon · 19/04/2015 14:07

And as pp have said there's a difference between "why the hell are you putting up with it" and "what is stopping you leaving/telling them/whatever".

With some threads, the OP insists its someone else's fault and they have no control over the situation. To agree with that is to do them a disservice. Eg OP's thread. In your shoes I wouldn't see it as "being kind" - if someone wants to faff around shopping and I really don't, I think it's fine to make an excuse and leave.

HagOtheNorth · 19/04/2015 14:16

I'm guilty of this.
But then, I find it annoying when someone is bitterly complaining about something that would require the object of their wrath to be telepathic to work out WTF they did or are doing wrong.
Either someone is intentionally being cruel/unkind/lazy/entitled or whatever, or they are unaware of how you feel about something.
Either way, part of the solution is making them aware of the problem.
Or if you don't want to do that, fine. Just don't expect things to change, or complain about how they aren't and be surprised when I ask you 'Why do you put up with it? It's either a big deal that you want to change, or it doesn't matter.'
It's why I don't post in relationships, I don't have the right attitude to be helpful in the way that posters want, and I don't want to upset people unintentionally.

ApplePaltrow · 19/04/2015 14:27

I personally think it's because people write one sided threads that paint their friends and family as the devil incarnate and exaggerate all the ills for sympathy. So when you ask "why did you let her set fire to your house when she was cold?", you get a better idea of what is true and what is not

ApignamedJasper · 19/04/2015 16:03

I had people ask me this all the time in relation to my ex when he refused to do anything round the house etc. 'Why don't you just make him do it?', 'why do you let him treat you that way?' Etc etc. I had people suggesting, withhold sex, go on a housework strike and all sorts of other stuff which wasn't particularly helpful. I did actually try a lot of times and I did talk to him but at the end of the day I couldn't make him do anything he was determined not to do. My only other option was to leave, which I did in the end but it was very unhelpful when people seemed to think the reason he behaved that way was because I allowed him to rather than because he was a twat, it did just make me feel more guilty :(

ApplePaltrow · 20/04/2015 16:58

Wait, rereading the OP and she is equating this to being in abusive relationships. Ok - the whole point of being in an abusive relationship is that the person is worn down until they don't know which way is up. In an abusive relationship people are acknowledging that they are basically so controlled by their partner that typical social interaction is stopped. Anything they say will be twisted and manipulated.

If you are not in an abusive relationship, you should be able to open your mouth and talk! You are not afraid of being abused or hit and so we are now back in normal relationship land where you should be able to ask for what you want.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 20/04/2015 17:05

Things can become normalized in some relationships that would never see the light of day in others, and it can be rather useful to know that.

MerynFuckingTrant · 20/04/2015 17:49

YANBU. I think there are some posters who act really over the top and can be really horrible when there is just no need. Often on threads where someone has posted for support or just wants to vent, when I read the replies I think if I was the op I'd be in tears!
There are lovely people on mumsnet too of course, some posters need to remember they are typing to an actual person.

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