AIBU to never want to speak

[poorpaws]

... to my daughter's partner again?

They've been together 5 years with a nearly 2 yo dd.

Over a year ago dd found he had an addiction to porn and was contacting prostitutes (although according to him had never been with any). She came home for 5 months but with counselling and many promises to change she forgave him and went back. For dd's sake I managed to stay friendly and tried to get over what happened although I found it difficult.

Fast forward to earlier this week and dd found out he was contacting a girl from his past and had been in contact sporadically since approx 2006 although dd didn't know. During this time the more recent emails became sexual and she recently sent him her phone number and they were going to meet up. In his emails he told girl he didn't love dd and baby (who was planned) was a shock.

Dd was going to come home but when she challenged him yesterday he asked for 6 weeks to change and now dd is staying and she could well stay for a long time.

Not sure of any relevance of following but don't want to drip feed.
She hasn't been happy for a long time and they don't talk about their problems. He can only manage intimacy once every 2 months. He has his own business and is a hard working man but is very mean. His home is owned by his parents so they pay minimal rent. He helps me with DIY etc as I live alone. Dd works 2 days a week and hasn't got much money. I provide child care 1 day a week while she's at work (child minder second day) and quite a few half days if dd wants to go anywhere. Other grandparents live away and dd and partner have no close friends. He has a 15 yo ds from previous relationship. They are both mid 30s. Dd has made an appointment at Citizens Advice for Monday and she is keeping the appointment.

So AIBU to not want anything else to do with him? I don't want to lose dd or dgd through this but I don't think I can play happy families any more. Or should I forget how I feel and be friendly just to please dd (I'm not sure if I can). Is it any of my business at all (although the outcome if she comes home will be my business and I feel seeing her so downtrodden is my business too (or am I an overprotective mum?) I'm very confused. Wwyd?

What an awful situation.

I think you need to support your DD until she has the courage to leave him. Don't push her too hard but encourage her to see the CAB and anyone else who can help and try to make her see how awful he is without alienating her.

I think you'll have to put your feeling to one side for now, and concentrate on your dd. If you stop having anything to do with him then she could well find her loyalty tested and steer more towards him than you.
It's a tough one, as a mother you want to protect your child, but take your lead from her for now. Just let her know you're always there for her and there's always somewhere for her to go if she needs it.
Hopefully she will make her own mind up and leave him, but even then I think you'd have to be careful not to bad mouth him too much in case they do get back together.

God, what an awful situation for you both. Can you try not to talk about it until she wants to? But continue to support her?
But I'd find it very hard to talk to him too...

And maybe help her to build up her other support too, friends, toddler groups etc. Does she use a Children's Centre? If so, and she'll open up, they can support her.

Thank u all for helpful advice.

Ifinished - she won't open up to anyone she is v private and keeps things in. I know she is on MN so she cd just see this.

I think she'll just assume I'll be ok with him because I was last time. I just find it so difficult. I know she doesn't want to come home it was difficult for 5 months last time but surely it is better for her than being with him.

If coming back to living with you would be difficult could you help her by looking into what benefits she could get/ help with housing etc or perhaps help her rent somewhere short term so she has breathing space from him at least. I feel for her and you. What a bastard.

She's going to CAB on Monday to discuss what benefit she wd get. I can't help her financially very much at all but she knows she can have all I've got. We're in the south west so rents are very high. I've even looked into renting a caravan but they are all holiday homes and the sites have to adhere to strict rules so as not to lose their licence.

I'm retired with a very limited income and although my home isn't massive there's enough room for her nd dgd but she feels she needs her own place which I understand. Because her partner works very long hours she has their home to herself the vast majority of the time.

It depends on your dd.

My DSis went back to her partner after he had alcohol problems, emotional abuse and had threatened violence against my DM. She lives with DM for 6 months with her 2 DC and then on her own for 18 months.

She is now back living with him but DM doesn't speak to him. He isn't invited to family events etc. DSis doesn't like this but she does understand so sees my DM on a regular basis on her own with the DC.

There is no magic solution and every situation is different. My advice is that if you not speaking to him causes them to cut you out then don't do it as she will end up further isolated.

I feel if I am friendly with him and act as if it's all ok it's as if I am saying "do what u like with my daughter, hurt her it's ok I'll forgive you" when what I actually want to do is kill him.