to ask for your experiences of and tips on working for/with a promoted friend

[seethewoodforthetrees]

I have a close friend from university with whom I have been friends for many years. Several years ago, a job was being advertised in our (fairly small) workplace. I told my friend about the job and she joined our team, in a different role from mine.

I recently returned from maternity leave. Whilst I was on leave, a new managerial role was advertised at our workplace. I was actually trying to make a case for returning to work part time and so didn't feel that I could apply for the new role. DF did and got the job, which is great news.

I don't work directly for her but her role is now a level above mine. This is proving to be quite difficult - for both of us, I suspect. On one occasion recently, a manager told me that she had complained about me and this (I feel, unjustified) complaint made my working environment extremely unpleasant for several weeks. She says that she never made any such complaint. Certainly, I am feeling that there is now quite a lot of distance between us. Whereas she might often express displeasure about decisions or personalities at our workplace, and I have always have supported/comforted/reassured her, if I do the same she tells me to go to HR or that "I must do what I think best". It's all become very formal, but only in one direction, if that makes sense.

I don't want to lose this friendship as I love her to bits. She is great fun and very kind and I want her to be in DD's life. But I'm not sure how to work around this situation. I'm happy for her that she got promoted - seriously, I am only just holding things together with childcare and work and I certainly am not jealous of the extra responsibilities it would entail - but I'm not sure how to get around these issues and work this out. Due to the field in which I work, part time work is extremely rare so leaving isn't an option.

Any experiences or tips would be really welcome!

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship HAS changed. You can still be friends, but there will be a barrier too.

You can minimise it by making sure you don't do anything which would in effect cause her to compromise her position (asking for work related favours that other people wouldn't get, social media postings etc) and she should be the same - not tell you anything relating to business/colleagues that you wouldn't ordinarily get to know etc.

I was promted a couple of years ago and it is hard. I still have friends I'd worked with for a number of years. I left FB though after seeing one too many "oh thank god today is over, some people need to stop being jobsworths" type posts that weren't necessarily directed at me but made me feel conflcited by seeing them. I don't tend to go on work nights out anyway, but I definitely wouldn't now - I wouldn't feel comformatble if I was tipsy with junior colleagues or heard/saw things which can't be undone - you know what I mean!

Just one thing - a manager told you she'd made a complaint but she said she hadn't - how do you know she said she hadn't? Dis you ask her directly? Would you have done this to anyone else?

Unformtunately if you feel that onlyone of you is maintaining appropraite boundaries, then your friendship probably will fade - it won't die, but it will fade.

talk to her about it. Talk about the issues it brings up, how you are going to work together, how you are going to work to see yourselves as two seperate pairs - the pair that work together and the pair that are friends and how to ensure you don't drag one over into the other.

My husband used to be my boss. It's hard. You have to have clearly defined roles and the ability to not carry work stuff into your personal life or vv.

It starts by getting together with coffee and lots of cake and having a really honest talk about it.

I think in work you need to treat her as you would any other colleague of that grade and outside work neither of you can talk about work at all.

Similar thing happened to me and it was the death knell of the friendship for a couple of years. We did reconnect after we'd both moved to other jobs.

I did ask her directly. Partly because the event which had given rise to the complaint involved some very difficult health issues which she had known about and regardless of the professional situation, I was personally hurt that she would have criticised me over these issues, with the background knowledge that she had.

That's sort of what I feared, really - that it just can't be the same again. For example, the very suggestion that I wouldn't have asked her that question sort of says it all. I'm not saying that that's wrong, but I'm very sad that it's the path that events have taken. She is DD's godmother, for example, and did the reading at our wedding. I am feeling pretty down that that's it - that all those years of friendship are now longer permissible just because of some job.

oh, no, sorry, I didn't mean raise a specific issue with her, I meant a general chat hey, our roles are now different, let's talk about how we're going to manage that...

rather than hey I hear you complained about me, what's going on...

and regardless of the professional situation, I was personally hurt

Ah, you've pretty mcuh answered your own query there then - It sucks, but as you say, it's the path that's been taken and isn't necessaruily wrong, just different.

FWIW she was in a difficult situation there - if she had made allowances because of a health issue which she only knows about because you're friends, then that's an issue but on the other hand you feel a bit hurt because she hasn't taken into account this personal information - a bit of a now in for her (well for you both actually).

Don't know what's up with my typing - meant to say "bit of a no win".

I am DP's Boss' boss, not in the same line management chain, but I have to make decisions for the whole workplace when I am duty manager, or when doing my specific role for individuals that are based on or set precedents for other staff (and based on employment law not just a whim).

Unless I really really have to make a decision based on work that DP has done or has requested (e.g. it is time sensitive & I am the senior officer on duty) I always ask a colleague or collective group of colleagues to be involved (there are only 7 at my grade).

Additionally we have clearly defined roles in and out of work and stick to them.

Your friend is a new manager, she has to find her confidence in the management team and her new role, this is not easy and will take some time.

You believed the manager when she told you your friend had made a complaint about you, but not your friend when she told you this was untrue. I am not surprised this made for an uncomfortable working environment.

You need to sit down outside work and discuss this, she will have restrictions on what she can tell you or say about other staff, and is in a very difficult position where she not only cannot show you favouritism at work but also has to ensure that she is not perceived to be showing you favouritism.

You have to show (not just her, but everyone else) that you do not expect treatment based on your friends inside knowledge of your situation, or in any way influenced by your friendship at all.

Talk to her about how you get through this, it is not easy, but not insurmountable either.

Maybe. I don't think there's anything I can do about it - I just feel very sad indeed. I feel that I've come back to work as normal, and the goalposts have been changed without my having had any say in it and... that's it, then. A close friendship of 16 years has just disappeared or at best, significantly diminished, and there appears to be nothing I can do about it. And from everyone's responses, it seems that that's sort of how it has to be. I suspect I have been a bit naive to think otherwise.