... to want to know what I have done wrong?

[OMC1]

Me and my colleague have been really close since she started - we hit it off almost instantly. We are both very different people, interests wise, but have a similar sense of humour and view on life. For the past twelve months (possibly longer) we have got along really well – frequent lunches and coffee, chatting throughout the day, texting outside of work (sharing funny pics, asking and giving advice, etc, etc).

I told her before anybody else that I was PG, and she seemed over the moon for me, and loyally kept my secret until I announced it at 12 weeks to the rest of the team. Before I made the announcement, we had still been going for coffee and she was always excited to hear my plans/developments even though I was careful to never drone on and on about myself. She doesn’t want kids herself, and she is a bit younger than me at 24, so I don’t think it is because I am pregnant.

However, since I announced the news to the rest of the team, she has shut me out completely. I had one bad day, where I was under a huge amount of stress and did snap a couple of times (not at her, but indirectly) for which I apologised for profusely later on. The past two months, she has avoided eye contact, doesn’t respond to my emails or texts (or if she does, they are one word responses). I have asked her twice now if I have upset her (laying on another apology for anything I might have said/done without realising and jokingly blamed my pregnancy hormones) and both times she has just said no, she was just really busy (it has always been a busy environment and we all do the same work) and I have arranged a lunch, which she cancelled on the day, and I arranged a catch up coffee for next week (which we used to love) which she has just cancelled.

Should I keep trying to get to the bottom of this, or should I just accept she doesn’t want the friendship to continue, for whatever reason, and leave her alone now?

Sorry for the long post, just looking for some advice.

Let her get on with it. You have other things to be thinking about. You have asked her twice!

Sounds as if you've done all you can bar hiring a choir to serenade her. Give her some more time and she might come around but if she doesn't you might just have to accept that she no longer values the friendship. You say it's been 2 months which sounds like a very long time to stay angry with a friend without having talked it out at all. Unfortunately this friendship might fall into the latter camp.

Ignore her from now on.

She is being incredibly rude. At a guess I'd saying its possible your pregnancy is hitting a nerve with her, or maybe she doesn't like you getting attention, or maybe she thinks she'll have extra work when you are on maternity? I don't know but she is behaving badly and I wouldn't waste my time with her anymore.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Its sad, but it sounds as though she just doesnt want to be more than colleagues now. I would play it cool for now, she may come round once she is less busy. It does happen, its nothing youve done, but people do blow hot and cold for no reason sometimes. Not nice for you though.

Congrats on the baby though. Good luck with that...

Congratulations! And it's definitely not you. She is obviously struggling with something that is nothing to do with you - apart from your pregnancy. There's something going on with her - she obviously thought she was ok with it when you confided in her, but when it was announced to everyone else, that must have flicked a switch inside and she is not dealing with it well.

I've been like that. She may only be 24, but she is tussling with some very mixed emotions. It is very early to be 24 and toughing it out and saying she doesn't want kids, so I would suggest she has some big issues there.

I didn't get broody until my mid-30s, and then ran into some serious fertility problems. I kept saying to myself that I was totally fine about other people having babies and was incredibly laid back on the outside. It was only after I put the phone down after congratulating my SiL on the birth of my 'accidental' nephew, that I burst into floods of tears... it was then that I realised how much I was profoundly hurting. This friend of yours is probably feeling stuff that she didn't even know she had, and she probably doesn't know how to react. Leave her be for a bit....there's nothing you can do to antipicate whatever it is she's feeling!

I'm with Poppy. Strange she gives you the cold shoulder as soon as your news goes public.
You sY she doesn't want kids, obviously that's what she told you but my instincts are telling me she could be just saying that because she feels inferior to you for being pregnant I think she may have been trying for a while.
I am actually the friend who cut 2 of my friends out when they were both pregnant at the shame time simply because I was jealous. I'll hold my hands up.
Here comes the however though.....She could be one of those people who does not like it when they are not in the lime light!!!
Without knowing her it's impossible to say

Thanks everybody, I really appreciate your wonderful advice (and congratulations).

CrapBag I wondered about the workload thing as well, although I am trying to make sure they get in adequate maternity cover because of how busy we are. I also wondered whether she maybe feels like I am "abandoning" her somehow, but that would be making myself sound more important that I think I am to her.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost (awesome username, BTW) & PoppyField At first, I did wonder if she was feeling jealous, her and her OH have been together since high school, but they don't live together at the moment so I sort of dismissed that idea, but nobody truly knows how a person feels, do they? My DH suggested that perhaps she wants kids one day, but he doesn't and this is why it has upset her?

I think I let it get to me so much as we sit so close (and I have to face the fact my hormones are playing a part to) I want to stand up and shout "what have I done?!" but at the same time, I need to remind myself to respect her space as a colleague.

I can't have children and was aware of that at 24. I always told people I just didn't want children. When I did tell people I couldn't i really struggled with their reactions. Its possible she cannot have children and now the reality of your pregnancy has hit it's upsetting her that it isn't an option for her.

I know it sounds odd, but when my friend got pregnant I was fine until one day it just randomly hit me (can't remember what the trigger was now) and I found myself struggling to cope with being around her - it wasn't her issue and our friendship did flounder but we got through and are still good friends now.

I've no idea if I'm explaining this right but just wanted to mention it as a possible option.

The possibilities are endless but probably far more to do with than just he "behaving badly" The image that people present to the outside world and how they really feel may be be very different. Maybe she recently had a miscarriage, maybe she cannot have children, maybe her DH has said categorically that he never wants them. She may have convinced herself that she is OK with it, but hearing other people congratulate you and seeing your (natural) excitement may be a step too far for her. Keep the lines open, smile and exchange pleasantries but don't suggest any one-to-one outings would be my solution of sorts - for now, anyway. And congratulations!

Thanks, Becca19962014, quite selfishly I hadn't consider this possibility. Although I wish she could feel she could talk to me, I can also completely understand why she wouldn't. I definitely made sure not to rub my pregnancy in her face, as it were, as I have got friends who can't have kids so I am naturally cautious, but her sudden offish-ness makes sense if that is the case.

*her not he

LobsterQuadrille Thank you (posted just before I saw your reply)

I am glad I have come here to air this issue, as it has given me some new things to think about. I am sad that her friendship is (even if temporarily) gone, and will now just focus on moving forward.

This happened to me, an older colleague used to give me lifts home, was really close, came to my wedding.

Then after I announced I was pg it all stopped, and we were not close. It got very awkward and I ended up not visiting work with ds, and resigned at the end of my maternity leave.

I think perhaps she knew that our work relationship was going to change, I was going to leave for at least six months, and as I caused the change I upset her. Perhaps she felt betrayed as I didn't tell her we were TTC (had been for over three years at that point), and she felt I didn't trust her. I doubt it was jealousy as she and her husband had seven DC between them!

It isn't pleasant op, but as long as there isn't an atmosphere I'd accept that she has a problem with your being pg she won't discuss, and accept that because of this the friendship is probably over. But it isn't your fault and there isn't much you can do.

My first thought was 'bet she's just has a miscarriage'.

Oh and congratulations by the way! Sorry I didn't add that to my original reply.

Keep the lines of communication open. Chances are you haven't done anything at all - she may also genuinely be too busy at the moment.

Oh and I didn't mean to imply you would 'rub her face' in your pregnancy in my reply. Certainly that's never been my experience with pregnant friends, but it can be painful just seeing someone who is pregnant - it's very hard to explain.

Agree with Becca.

DSis3 may well not be able to have dc. She started trying when she was about 25. 30 and still no joy.

The fact that she is 24 doesn't mean she's not trying.

Also DSis2 had an abortion around that age, didn't regret it but did have quite a strong emotional reaction. Might be something like that.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sorry to hear its happened to you too, but I am also somewhat relieved to know I am not alone in this situation.

Becca19962014 Oh no, I didn't take it that way, just wanted to clarify - as I know some people have unwittingly upset my TTC friends in the past with their pregnancy and I make extra careful not to. Thank you!

Really appreciate everyone's responses, I feel a lot less stressed about the situation