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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect some sort of financial contribution from XP towards his son??

16 replies

Lolamon · 16/04/2015 13:32

My ex refuses point blank to pay towards our son and im getting really pissed off with it!

So long story short is that xp and i split when i was 14 weeks pregnant sporadic contact with my son who is now 5 usually involving me organising it all and paying for all the travel. xp refuses to get a job last time he got a job i informed csa and he promptly quit said job and signed up to a uni course. He moans to me hes broke and is only living on a student loan. I suggest getting a job but he starts going mental at me saying il take his money off him for our son.

I don't need the money my dh provides for us and has been my sons dad pretty much since son was 6 months old. But its more of a moral thing for my son so he knows dad cares and i can put it into his savings account.

xp is abusive towards me alot so im looking at different ways to broach the subject!

xp gf is lovely and gives son £100 at christmas and shes also had enough of xp running out on his responsbilities i dont know if she said that to shut me up about going on about contact maintenance etc

sorry if this a ramble!

OP posts:

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 16/04/2015 13:36

Apply via the CSA or whatever it's called these days and get them to deal with him. That way you won't have to deal with him directly. If he doesn't want to pay, he should have thought about that before he contributed towards getting you pregnant.

Similar situation here btw - took me 8 years to start getting maintenance via the CSA.

Original poster

Lolamon · 16/04/2015 13:40

Theyve said because hes a perpetual student they can take diddly squat off him! and talk to him about it :( argh this is so bloody annoying

OP posts:

ScrambedEggAndToast · 16/04/2015 22:28

I feel your pain OP. My ex hasn't paid in nearly 3 years even though I have an assessment in place from the CSA. He has my child, another child with another lady who he also doesn't pay for and lives with his 3rd bio child and his partner and her three bio kids. What annoys me is that they run a business and outside a big sign proclaims "John, Emma and family welcome you to join us" (names changed)

My ex makes himself out like he's the family man but forgets that he has two other children that he never contacts or contributes towards financially.

Sorry, rant over

OwlinaTree · 16/04/2015 22:33

It's crap that he acts this way, but how can he give you money if he's not earning any?

cestlavielife · 16/04/2015 22:41

You are wasting your energy on him . He doesn't have a job so doesn't have money . Your son will realise whether or not he cares when he is old enough .

NataliaBaker · 16/04/2015 22:41

He should get off his arse, get a part time job and get earning some money to give.

threegoingonthirty · 16/04/2015 23:08

No money no access?

May09Bump · 16/04/2015 23:23

Just cut him lose- he is clearly not interested in supporting or having relationship with his son. Don't arrange or pay for his visits, you only have to provide access.

You say you don't need the money and CSA can't claim it, and it is a case of showing his Dad cares. It is very sad, but he doesn't care and to promote a relationship with him may only harm your son in the long run.

Your son has a healthy role models in his life, focus on your family and stop wasting your time with him. It is likely if you stop arranging all the details of his visits, he will drop assess all together, and as your DS is only five he is at a good age to move on.

Hissy · 17/04/2015 07:48

You don't need the money.
You don't need the stress.

Your son doesn't need such a revolting person in his life.

You have a DH, focus on your son and your real family unit.

Stop chasing this slime.

OwlinaTree · 17/04/2015 07:59

I agree with pp, no need to prevent access, but let xp do the running.

Floisme · 17/04/2015 08:19

I think providing my sanity could withstand it, I would pursue it, even if all I got out of him was tuppence a week.

It shouldn't be about whether you need the money, it's about a man taking responsibility for his child.

Even if he doesn't pay anything now, he won't be able to live this lifestyle forever - his student loan will barely be covering his rent/mortgage.

All easier said than done and I sympathise.

Hissy · 17/04/2015 12:01

it's about a man taking responsibility for his child.

an abusive man... sometimes it's best to cut losses and take the healthier path for all.

he is no positive influence in the life of the child, he genuinely does not care and the WORST thing any child can have in their life is someone that should care, but doesn't. better to be age appropriately honest with the child so that he knows that his dad not being bothered is NOT a reflection on him as a child, it's about the decisions that the father has made.

The Ex is USING this process to complicate and upset your life OP, so stop playing his game and MAYBE he will actually get off his arse.

No more transport, no more chasing, just leave it to go to dots - I can tell you that this will shock the pants off the ex, he won't know what has hit him.

the line to take is 'well I can't do all the running any more, i can't make you be the father my son deserves and I don't need to cover up for you. IF you want him growing up thinking you are an OK bloke, then up to you to put in the effort, if you don't, that's your decision. Whatever you decide won't make any difference to him long term as thankfully he HAS positive male role models to support his understanding of what being a good man is all about."

then leave it.

their vanity is the weakspot. Know it and exploit it.

shewept · 17/04/2015 13:00

Yanbu to think he should.

Personally given the circumstances I would prefer to not have his money and I wouldn't pay for his travel for access. Yes your son should know his father but his father is that in biology only. You can't make him be a decent dad.

Floisme · 17/04/2015 13:38

Fair point about his being abusive - I had missed that.

Depressing too that his girlfriend seems to know what he's like yet stays with him.

Don't know what else to say other than sympathise.

Coyoacan · 17/04/2015 14:18

Listen to Hissy. Don't stress about it that will only hurt you not him. As for your son, life is going to bring himself difficult things to deal that he will have to learn to assimilate and get over, if it were not a lousy father, it would be someone else. But he has you and your DP, he is well armed.

Original poster

Lolamon · 17/04/2015 14:37

Thanks for all your comments and thoughts they are really appreciated! We moved to the other side of the country for dh work so it's pretty much impossible now for me to arrange contact which is a blessing. I constantly feel like I'm messing up if I don't try and maintain contact but from reading your comments it's given me the confidence to say enoughs enough. He's legacy of abuse towards me means I have no self esteem but I won't allow it to continue. Thank you once again

OP posts:

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