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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So do I want another baby or not?

21 replies

RomanticallyInclined02 · 16/04/2015 12:43

Hi all.

I am soon to be 36, two kids aged 12 and 8. I never quite ruled out a possibility of a 3rd baby but figured that I would only have it if it were an accident, i.e. I wouldn't consciously plan it.

In the past few months I had dreams that I had given birth and the feeling I remember from those dreams was that I was horrified, upset and in despair of how I would live now that I had another child to raise and go through the whole process all over again.

On the other hand, sometimes I feel that I want to be pregnant again (I thoroughly enjoyed the process both times). I use withdrawal method in sex which hasn't failed me but there were a couple of occasions recently when I actually let my partner not to withdraw as it was supposed to be a safe day. And I didn't even take a morning after pill. It is so not like me at all, I have always been extremely careful - but now it's like I want it to happen "by accident" just so that the decision is made for me.

I realise there is a lot of soul-searching here but I would be very grateful to hear if anyone had similar feelings or experiences in terms of wanting another baby in your late thirties and what you did.

OP posts:

HoneyDragon · 16/04/2015 12:51

Does your DP want another? Have you talked about it?

Original poster

RomanticallyInclined02 · 16/04/2015 12:54

DP does not say "let's do it asap" but is very happy about it in general. But then he is not the one who would have to go on maternity leave.

OP posts:

esiotrot2015 · 16/04/2015 12:56

Honestly I think the age gap is too big
You won't get to do what you want to with the older 2 because you'll have tiny baby
everything is easier with a family of 4 too - cars, holidays etc

sunlightlanding · 16/04/2015 13:06

I had a bit of a similar wobble when I was 36 when I already had a 17 year old DS. I'd always intended to have just one but I met a new DP and got married so the possibility of having another was raised. But then I realised that I relished the enjoyment of having an older child, loved having my evenings mostly free, and had made all sorts of travel/study plans which would have been wrecked by a baby. So I did the responsible thing and got the implant.

I think you need to discuss it with your DP and then either make a decision to ttc, or take responsibility for contraception. If you do want a baby then be prepared for lots of clashing priorities with younger and older children, a big drop in finances as you have probably got rid of baby stuff, and take ownership of the decision by taking all the health decisions necessary and monitoring your fertility rather than just leaving it to chance.

TropicalHorse · 16/04/2015 13:10

I'm having these wobbles too, after happily deciding that one child suited our life. Today I went to playgroup in the village hall where the NCT antenatal class was on and immediately felt envious of the pregnant mummies in their lovely, clucky, anticipatory club! I think in your case, OP, another baby will be difficult but not impossible. So you'd have to really, really want it and I'm not sure you do, by your post! xx

Thurlow · 16/04/2015 13:12

I'd maybe look at it this way.

Are you hankering after pregnancy and a newborn baby, or do you feel you want another child in your life for the next 18 years?

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 13:13

I must admit that having DS last year has impacted on DD (9) and the amount of time I can give her/things we can do as a family.

That being said, I wouldn't change a thing.

I must say op, you're being very reckless with your contraception methods xx

Original poster

RomanticallyInclined02 · 16/04/2015 13:16

To be honest with myself, and based purely on feelings, I want to be pregnant again. And give birth. I don't get broody seeing babies and don't feel envious of new mothers at all (in response to a PP). So it's not like I want a soft cuddly baby. But I do feel envious of pregnant ladies.

Must be weird but there you go.

OP posts:

littlesupersparks · 16/04/2015 13:16

I hankered after a 3rd - loved my first two pregnancies and love babies!! It was twins! :-o and mympregnancy has been AWFUL by comparison! So it's not always what you expect...

Mummybabyboo · 16/04/2015 13:18

If you have doubt then don't do it, if you are sure then go for it. Only you know deep down if it's right for you and your family. Don't forget about the kids. I slipped into a conversation with my (then) 5 year old about aunty Lola having a baby and what did she think, she raved about it very excited, literally over the moon and added would you be this happy if mummy had another baby and she said yes! Made my decision a much easier one but my hubby was also very on board.

Thurlow · 16/04/2015 13:22

Romantic, you have have DC2 for me, I've been putting it off for ages because I bloody hated being pregnant

SingingHinnies · 16/04/2015 13:35

I had a wobble, 38 with 3 then i came to my senses, 3 dd would have to share a room if i had a DS, if i had a DD the gap to the youngest is nearly 7 years and they would need to share. Started child minding my baby niece and got such a shock, had forgot how hard it is to do anything with a baby, couldn't spend time with the other kids as baby would need all the attention. The toys as well, i was past the stage of toys in the living room now i have a box in the corner getting bigger by the week

No Thanks

CrapBag · 16/04/2015 13:41

I'm constantly asking myself this question. In fact I'm going to start a thread.

I'd say from your OP that you do want another one so think about the practical side, ie costs, bedrooms etc and see if that would work for you. If it would then go for it. My fear is regretting it when it is too late.

elizabs · 16/04/2015 13:56

This could be a bizarre suggestion... could you be a surrogate if it's the pregnancy you want to experience again?

Stopandlook · 16/04/2015 14:02

Go for it.... The third baby just fits in, and it will be totally adored by its older siblings.

IAmAPaleontologist · 16/04/2015 14:03

The question isn't "Do I want another baby?" it is "Do I want another child"?

It i can be difficult letting go of a part of your life, knowing that you will never have those experiences again. But if you have another baby, that baby will grow into a child and then you will be right back here, looking thorough hormone tinted lenses and missing all the lovely bits about pregnancy and birth.

nottheOP · 16/04/2015 14:11

I think this is hormones, pure and simple. Hormones have made you forget the bad pregnancy stuff.

Go and look at the pregnancy pages - pregnancy is mostly rubbish, even if it goes medically smoothly and you avoid the obvious stuff like morning all day sickness, heartburn, piles, weight gain, constant worry. You can also get;

Extra hair
Big, dark nipples
Weird boob changes
Stretch marks and loose skin
Tiredness (this can last for around 5 years!)
Moodiness
Increased vaginal discharge

As for wanting to give birth, I can only conclude you're bonkers. Have a read about prolapse an 4th degree tears. That should put you off.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 16/04/2015 16:46

Think I'm more scared of regretting it in the future if I don't have another, than struggling short term. They say you don't regret the kids you have but you regret the ones you don't have. Although I've heard exceptions to that rule and has to also be in best interests of the children.

Jengnr · 16/04/2015 16:53

I'm 36 and pregnant.

It's shit.

Original poster

RomanticallyInclined02 · 16/04/2015 16:53

Well, interests of the children is another tricky area. I don't have any family left so I am thinking that a sibling for my two children will be another person that will be their family in the future (especially if something happens with me and DP).

On the other hand, I imagine a baby would take up a great chunk of my time and I feel that I am not spending enough time with DC as it is because of my quite demanding job.

OP posts:

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 17/04/2015 07:18

Romantically, I meant more if there are large health risks around having another baby which might mean your DC could grow up without a mum, if it would place so much pressure on your family you might split up etc.
I don't know many children who haven't been glad to have a sibling in the end.

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