How to politely stop accepting lifts for school run?

[Ironfloor]

DD's school is about a 20 minute walk from our house. In the mornings we walk to school. For pick up, my neighbour has very kindly offered to take us in her car. It has been working ok until now. Her two DSs, especially the younger one, always wants to come over to our house and play with my DD and DD also wants to go over to theirs all the time. Most days of the week, his mom is occupied taking her elder DS to after school classes so most of the time the younger DS wants to come over to ours and play with Dd. I don't mind him coming occasionally but not every day. DD doesn't do any after school clubs so I have no excuse to say why he can't come over either. After school, I'd like to spend time with DD and have some quiet time talking, playing etc. I can't do that when the neighbour's DS comes over. Usually he will stay till about 5pm. Dd has dinner around that time.

When dd goes over to theirs, it is very hard to get her to come home at the end of the play date. She will throw tantrums and the neighbour also takes her side and says come on, she can play for a bit longer etc. it is this too familiarisation that I'm not comfortable with.

Of late, I've been using excuses like, DD likes to stop at the park on the way so we'll walk home, we are going to the library after school etc. but I'm soon running out of excuses. I don't mind walking back home with dd after school.

Can you advise me how to stop taking her lifts to school without hurting her feelings? Other than the over familiarisation and lack of boundaries etc, she has been nothing but lovely to us.

Thanks in advance!

now the weather is so nice we're going to walk home from school. it also helps the dcs burn off energy.

Just say you're wanting to walk from now on to get in more exercise...as part of a health kick or something.

It's an easy enough lie without hurting anyone's feelings.

With regards to the after school play dates, I'd say 'Its lovely the kids enjoy spending time together but I hope you don't mind if we cut it down to once a week/fortnight as dd needs some quiet time for homework and unwinding after school.'

I think the exercise and fresh air thing is a great idea. As is the we need more quiet time so are going to cut down on the play dates.

Don't be apologetic, don't ask - tell.

You cannot guarantee that she won't get offended or try to talk you round, but sometimes you have to just be ok with someone being annoyed, otherwise you end up living your life round keeping everyone else happy and that's the wrong thing to do.

Thanks a lot for your replies. I was also thinking on the same lines. I don't even mind walking home in bad weather ( we used to do that a bit in the winter) as dd can sit in the buggy and put the rain cover which only leaves me to get sodden wet :)

Yes, fenella, I totally agree. See, I knew that this carpooling thing might end up badly because it puts us in an awkward position. It was she who eagerly offered to carpool and at first I thought it's a good idea. Not anymore. I hope she gets the message when I say that since the weather is better we'd rather walk home.

Do they live next-door? I'm wondering how avoiding the lift would stop the playing after school thing if they live very close by.

But otherwise advice above good - just say you want to walk both ways not only for kids, but for your own health/fitness.

Don't over explain.
Make some reference to wanting the fresh air and hopefully this will allow the play dates to fizzle out naturally.

Use the good weather and the need to build a bit more exercise into your day as an excuse.

It might take a week or so for your neighbour and her DC to get out of the habit of spending after school time with you but they'll find something else to do and will probably stop offering you lifts soon.

Definitely just say you want to walk. But also just say you want some time just you and DD now and again, so you are sorry but today is mummy/daughter time. But of course he can come over tomorrow.

How old is your daughter? My son was very difficult to extract at around the ages of 6 to 7. In the end I sat him down and explained that we would not go to X house if he did not put on his shoes and leave when I asked. I was tough on this point, and when he didn't do it the next evening, he didn't go back to his friend's house for a whole week.

Just explain to the mother that getting him to leave when asked has become a problem, so you are going to be hard line about it with your DD for a while so please don't encourage her to stay. Just be honest with her about it.

Cynically, I'd say she's been offering lifts so you feel obliged to have her son.

good point, sunbathe

I'm just in the process of extracting myself from a not dissimilar type of situation.

From my experience, not over explaining is the best approach. Just saying 'it doesn't work for me' consistently and, in regards to her ds coming over, suggesting one particular day and keeping it at that.

The friend I've been extracting myself from is VERY persistent and I've regularly had to say no twice to the same request, but have remained firm but friendly.

Mm mm, I know what you mean. It can be difficult to get out of things like this. I really don't enjoy having dd's friends over every afternoon either, once or twice a week is enough! If I were you I'd just say that you enjoy the walk and are trying to keep fit. Say you're trying to do your 10 000 steps a day and do this walk really helps!

Thanks a lot for the advice.
Muminhants - yes, they live next door. It makes the situation just that much more difficult. Some days, I delay going out with Dd if her kids are playing outside or if it's the time they are expected to return home/leave home to go somewhere. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home :)

Nynaevesister - DD is 5. She loves having neighbour's DS over as well as going to their house. I hate having to be tough on my daughter because of another kid. I hate becoming the 'bad person' in DD's eyes because of them.

This neighbour is a nice lady. She herself sometimes tells her son that he can't come over to our house every day but he is quite persistent and begs my daughter to let him come in. Then my DD says ok he can come and then bam! He's in. Even if I don't encourage it, the neighbour would then ask 'is that ok, ironfloor?' Then I don't have the backbone nor the tact to say no.

Sorry to hear others are going through similar situations. I guess you are right. I need to be firm and not explain too much.

At the moment, I go to school with the neighbour in the afternoon for school pick up (we are both stay at home moms). So I put DD's buggy/scooter in her car boot and then DD and I come back home by ourselves. This way, we can avoid DD meeting her kids. We stop at the park, go to the library in the way.

I feel I should stop going to school with her for pick up also because it seems like I'm using her, like I want to have the cake and eat it, too. Or would stopping accepting all the lifts at once be too much? Should I faze it out iykwim?

Ooh crikey, that may be tricky as she might just really like your company going to school and for pick up so she might get offended. I'd say retract if that's what you'd like to do but maybe offer another way to spend a bit of time together (invite her for a coffee or something) so she doesn't feel like you're rejecting HER as such. Also I'd say you're perfectly entitled to say no to her son, I frequently say no to my son's friend when he turns up at our doorstep (much to my son's upset but that is something I can manage once the door is shut) and he doesn't take any offense at all and just asks again another day. Overall I'm just glad that he has a friend who is that keen to play with him though as my son has had some issues making friends.

It sounds like the children are actually calling the shots here and arranging things if both you and she want to cut down.

You need to present a united front to these little dictators and organise say 2 play overs a week on certain days.

And you two arrange a pub night out as adults.

You need lives too. And it's good god kids to see that.

Yeah, I think I need to gradually decline going to school with her, too.

Not interfering or even criticising, OP, but that is my idea of childhood, playing with friends, not hanging out with mum. When I was a child it was straight out the door once we got home from school and my dd was the same.

I'd just say "not today, how about xxday, we'll knock for you when we get home from school". Just take a stand, you and DD can then have a catch up walking home from school, knock for him and walk him back next door about 4:30pm, giving you chance to chat to DD while doing dinner (unless NDN is good at collecting on time). Start calling the shots a bit more, you'll probably enjoy him visiting and will regain confidence to leave your house when they're outside too.

Don't assume it will hurt her feelings. All you have to say is that you prefer to walk. Personally I would rather tell someone that its not convenient for their child to come over every day as I have things planned.
Once you started making up excuses it just gets complicated and you always get people who are so thick skinned they have a reason to object to your excuse and find a reason for you not to do whatever it is you have made up!

Why have you allowed this situation to develop in the first place? Whether you want the lift or not, it should be possible to accept it without having her child for the afternoon? . Even if she's engineered it for that purpose, why go along with it???
When the child asks to come in, say sorry, you're busy today.
If the mum was taking advantage, you'll soon see the offers of a lift tapering off.
But maybe not. She probably imagines your inviting her child because you don't mind having him

We have no children nearby and like Coyoacan I have pangs for my children to experience the same straight-out-of-the-door-playing-out thing I did. But that wasn't what you were asking.

You never know, your neighbout might actually be relieved - she might me doing her own AIBU right now - "AIBU to withdraw lifts to school from my neighbour as I never meant it to turn into a long term thing?"

I always find it best to say as little as possible but be clear.

Depending on what the relationship is like, I would either gradually phase out the way you have been doing (but more rapidly!) or just say "Oh neighbour, I did mean to say thank you so much for all of the lifts you've given. I'm going to start walking from now on. Thank you again though for all you've done so far".

I categorically would NOT say I wanted to get fitter or wanted to enjoy the light nights as a) it could be interpreted as "I'm walking because I want to be healthy you lazy fatty" or b) she might take inspiration from you and decide SHE and her children could also benefit from walking too and then you'd be back to sqaure one!