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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bad that my child got a place at school.

20 replies

shewept · 16/04/2015 06:39

Firstly, I want to start with saying this isn't me being secretly smug. My dd didn't get a place at any high/ secondary school we applied for, the school she was offered is 12 miles away and has been threaten with closure, so she isn't going there and we are having to go through the appeal process. Its been a shit few weeks trying to sort it all out, we are still waiting for an appeal and I feel sick everytime I think about it.

Because of this, when I got my email saying youngest got a place at the primary school of choice, obviously I was happy. But then I felt bad. Partly for dd as she is very upset about her school place and 2 parents text me just now to say they didn't get a place. Our kids go to the nursery at this school together so I will see them at 9am. I haven't answered yet because I just feel awful for them. I know how difficult it is to deal with.

I have decided not to make a fuss of the acceptance in front of dd, because she is devastated that all her friends are going to a school she probably won't be able to go with and I think this will make her feel worse. And my youngest doesn't know we were waiting to find out, it will go over his head.

Its so shit that so many kids don't get places and now I feel completely shit myself. I should be happy, I know I should. But now I just feel completely shit and drowning my sorrows in a coffee and toast.

OP posts:

TheMagnificientFour · 16/04/2015 06:50

I think your sorrow is more about the fact your dd didn't get the school she wanted than anything else.
And yes it's shit esp as there is clearly an issue with the number of spaces available in your area. 12 miles away isn't really local!

But don't worry about your son's and his place. As you said, at that age, it will go over his head. But you can easily commiserate with the other parents. Maybe Something like 'oh no, that's such shame! It's crap when you don't get the school you wanted. We are going through similar with dd so see where you are coming from. It's hard. Are you planning to appeal or have you been offered another school nearby?'

Mistigri · 16/04/2015 06:59

Do the other parents know that you haven't got a place for your older child? Hopefully there will be a sense that you are all in the same boat. It is an awful situation to be in, especially if the place allocated is patently unsuitable for practical reasons (distance etc).

The Engish system does seem totally dysfunctional. We live in France where there are many things wrong with the education system but at least the allocation of places has the merit of being relatively straightforward with all pupils being guaranteed a place in their local school.

Original poster

shewept · 16/04/2015 07:02

We are appealing for dd. We have a good case and our MP and teachers at the current school are helping us appeal. Its a very complicated appeal and we believe we gave a good case, but dare not get our hopes up.

OP posts:

Original poster

shewept · 16/04/2015 07:06

No, I haven't told any parents. The teachers know, but I have kept it quite quiet as I don't want dd to end up being asked by her friends. She doesn't want people to know either. She is doing sats soon her teacher is worried this could impact them. Her teacher is very support and wrote a very good letter outlining the reasons why the appeal should be accepted as has the HT.

It probably is that I am more upset over dd, but I can't help feeling crap for the other parents. I am surprised we got a place here tbh, as we are further out from this school than the one we wanted for dd.

OP posts:

mummytime · 16/04/2015 07:07

Also if there aren't any places at Infant school age, the LA may well be forced to open a bulge class. So your disappointed friends might have good news in the longer term (they also are unlikely to have been offered schools 12 miles away).

Comparisons with other countries annoy me - as for example France pays far higher tax to fund "spare school places".

Original poster

shewept · 16/04/2015 07:08

There has been no admin problems with this application as there was with dds. Maybe the MP getting involved made the council get their arses in gear. I actually expected for him not to get a place at this one.

OP posts:

Ginmartini · 16/04/2015 07:12

It's understandable that you feel worried and sad about your older dd.

But really there is no need to feel disproportionately sorry or guilty about your younger dd getting the school you wanted - and you are allowed to feel happy! It's the stupid UK school system not you.

Please don't approach these other mums with an OTT 'sad face/end of the world' demeanour as that will likely piss them off and actually make you look less than genuine.

Just say your'e sorry and you know you have been lucky and leave it at that.

KatieKaye · 16/04/2015 07:17

It is perfectly valid to criticise the absurd English system as there is an alternative system within the UK here in Scotland. You just go to the school in your catchment area. Or apply for an out of area place, knowing that the children there get in first.

Springtimemama · 16/04/2015 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 16/04/2015 07:25

Yes but there is increasingly pressure on places in Scotland. Also most people I know would prefer to choose their school, and to have a more responsive education authority. Every system chosen by people (as in democracy) have advantages and disadvantages.
(And when I went to secondary a long time ago England had a catchment system, and I remember the stress of waiting to find if I'd managed to escape the children who had threatened to bully me.)

KatieKaye · 16/04/2015 07:45

Most people I know are glad we do not have the English system.?in fact I've never heard any desire to change: quite the contrary!
Not many parents chose to apply for out if area places although we did and were successful.

Anyway, it is still a valid to compare the English system with ones where there is no system of having to apply as such a system does exist in the UK, contrary to the above post.

foreverton · 16/04/2015 07:45

Op, I totally get you.
We got our primary admission result at 17.11 yesterday ( go Knowsley council!) And dd got our first choice primary.

We're currently in the position of ds, 12 and in year 7, having no school as we've decided he won't be going back next Monday as he has been severely bullied and the school have not helped him at all.

We didn't get our first choice (brilliant school) last year, appealed on medical grounds and lost.
Currently in the process of re-applying and expecting a big fat no and the chance of another bloody appeal:(

So today, I'm very happy for dd but worried for my ds, he has AS and has really suffered.
Just wanted you to know you're not alone xx

MarwoodsMate · 16/04/2015 07:59

It's totally understandable that you feel bad for your older DD. The English school system has some major problems. I didn't go to school in England and I find the system here shockingly bad in some places.

Agree with gin though that you should probably watch the OTT sad face when dealing with other parents. Your (clearly sincere) sympathy with them could be interpreted as projecting your own disappointment. Not every parent will be as sad about not getting their DC's first choice school as you are.

FWIW you don't need to feel bad at all.

Original poster

shewept · 16/04/2015 08:01

I think it is valid to loom at other countries. We live in a world where we always look to other countries and compare to. This system needs fixing. I have thought that since dd got her primary school place and some kids in the nursery didn't. I felt for the parents back then too. We need to look at how we can improve it. So comparing to other countries may help. See what they do well, see what they don't.

Thanks for the flowers springtime

foreverton thank you. Its just a mixed bag of emotion at the moment. I cried when dh got up and I told him. Not sure if it was out of relief or being upset over DD. Its crap. We removed dd in year 4 due to bullying and moved her to the primary she is at. Schools never seem to be able to deal with bullying. Like i said, we have strong grounds for appeal. The teachers, mp, dh even the woman at the appeal part of the council think we have an excellent case. But I just can't get my hopes up. She is only bloody 6th on the waitlist, so maybe even if the appeals fail, she might get a place anyway. Probably not but I can hope!

OP posts:

306235388 · 16/04/2015 08:03

Katie - we are in Scotland. I so wish it was as simple as you suggest. We didn't get a place in our catchment school because it was / is massively oversubscribed - now the school that Ds was sent to is also becoming over subscribed - luckily dd is in this year but I suspect if she was a year you her we would have 2 kids in 2 different (and non catchment) schools.

306235388 · 16/04/2015 08:05

You her = younger

MarwoodsMate · 16/04/2015 08:13

That sounds promising OP! Fingers crossed for you.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 16/04/2015 08:16

Oh op hope you get that place for your dd. it's shit isn't it. Xx

Original poster

shewept · 16/04/2015 09:24

Thank you Marwoods and pyjamas

I can't bloody seem to accept the bloody place. The email says don't reply to the email to accept, but doesn't say what to do. The school don't know so gave me the admissions team number, which won't connect. Probably because there are loads of people ringing that didn't get a place. I will go down to the office later.

I saw the mums, one was ok. She got her third choice which is closer to her house so she is accepting that. The other was in tears as it took her son a long time to settle in at the nursery. He has made friends and will now have to start again some where else. I tried to be sympathetic without being to over the top. And since our council likes to give you no information (it took us 2 days of calls to find out exactly where to get the appeal paperwork as it wasn't attached to the email as the email stated) I have told her I will help her appeal. I am taking her to admissions with me to get the appeal paperwork. The problem she has, is the school she was offered has a nursery. She isn't sure whether to keep him at this one and appeal (and hope she wins) or move him asap to the other schools nursery so he has at least been there a bit before he goes full time. I have told her about dd, she won't say anything to anyone. So hopefully I can give her some support, which might help.

OP posts:

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 16/04/2015 09:41

It makes me so ad to read posts like this.
I took my DS out of school because he was place in school who were totally over stretched (bulge classes in every year.. parents already bickering on day one because there were 60 kids in nursery, but only 30 places in Reception the following year - and 33 kids qualified for a place because of the sibling rule).

My DS has HFA and the school did EVERYTHING in their power to make sure he didn't get a statement (statements no longer attract funding)

We now home educate, which I am far happier with.

It is only going to get worse. There are too many kids and it's impossible to educate them the way they ought to be without funding. My son is 6 and hs been utterly failed by 'the system'.

It's cobblers that all kids get an education Free childcare is all it is.

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