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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to scatter DDad's ashes

23 replies

ijustwanttobeme · 15/04/2015 23:25

DDad passed away a year ago tomorrow.

My mum insisted his ashes be scattered within a year of his passing, so tomorrow is the day.

We've chosen the perfect location, where we as a family had many a Sunday outing (remember the days when you'd go out for a drive?).

Got the special tube, poem all printed out to read, spade in case needed (as per ashes scattering advice), flowers etc.

Thing is now, not sure I can do it.

DDad has 'sat' on the shelf at mums for the past year and everytime I go there I talk to him as if he's still with us.

Once his ashes are scattered he won't be...I realise this makes no sense but it's almost as if once that's done I won't have anything left and it'll mean it's all true and that he has gone Sad

DMum isn't even going to be there, as she needs the loo every 15 minutes so changed her mind about coming with us.

Oh, somebody hand me a grip please.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 23:29

It's ok, it's understandable.

Buy yourself a beautiful journal. Whenever you want to speak to your dad, write in it. Or keep your favourite photo of him in a lovely frame by your bedside. You can talk to him there.

Remember, the ashes do not hold his soul - his soul lives in yours.

ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 23:33

Would she mind if you had a small amount of the ashes for a keepsake pot? Or for a piece of jewelry? Flowers there are companies who will be happy to remove the ashes for you and to put them in a nice container.

BackforGood · 15/04/2015 23:51

What about putting a nice photo of your Dad, in a frame, on the mantlepiece instead - doesn't have to be a formal or professional one - just a 'snap' that captures how he really was, day to day. You can talk to his 'face' then, instead Smile

Wadingthroughsoup · 16/04/2015 00:08

Awwww Ijust, it's understandable. The funeral is one 'goodbye', and then the ashes scattering/burial is another stage in the letting go.

The chosen location does sound lovely, and perhaps when you go there in the future, you will feel close to your dad there. You can talk to him there. When I visit the site where my parents' ashes are, I sit on the bench and chat to them sometimes.

I also kept a very small amount of my mum's ashes in a little urn which I keep at home next to a photo of a significant place. Eventually, I might take them to the place where the rest of their ashes are and scatter them, but I'm not ready to quite yet. Perhaps your mum wouldn't mind if you kept some? Even if only for a while.

I hope tomorrow goes ok- I wish you a peaceful day. Flowers

someonestolemynick · 16/04/2015 00:57

My dad died 20 years ago and is buried in a different country. Trust me, you will never forget him Flowers

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 16/04/2015 03:40

We had small teardrop silver pendants made with a tiny amount of ashes sealed inside. We all wear them regularly and they are a comfort.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 16/04/2015 06:20

Sorry for your loss, I understand that it seems so final.

I hope you find the strength for Sunday.

Nolim · 16/04/2015 06:28

Sorry for your loss.
Did your father said that when the time come he wanted his ashes scattered? In any case i think that as next of kin it is your mothers decision.

ninetynineonehundred · 16/04/2015 06:38

Nothing to add other than my sympathy as that is a tough one and the way that both you and your mum feel is completely understandable.

The idea of keeping some is a nice one. How would you both feel about it or would it feel wrong?
What did your dad want (if you know)

shewept · 16/04/2015 06:45

I don't know what to say apart from I am so sorry. Will she let you keep some. There are things you can do with them, like tryingto did. I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss and sorry this is so difficult for you. Flowers

HolgerDanske · 16/04/2015 06:50

I think it would be a lovely idea to keep a little bit if his ashes, if that would make it better for you.

Was distracted yesterday and forgot to say I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace with it.

Flowers
Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 16/04/2015 07:08

Thanks for all of your replies.

I think I was just having a last minute wobble about it all.

It's done now (as part of the plan was to do it as the sun came up) and I feel ok.

As some of you suggested, I'd already got photos around the house and kept a small amount of ashes separate, so as you say he's still around for me to talk to.

But as Holger said, his soul is in all of us he left behind and as someone said I'll never forget him

Flowers to everyone missing loved ones today

OP posts:
t3rr3gl35 · 16/04/2015 07:14

My husband gave me such comfort when I had to scatter a close relative by telling me that I was setting my relative free to dance in the breeze and always be with me.

Flowers - thinking of you.

Rowgtfc72 · 16/04/2015 08:55

We are still in the middle of scattering dad, he died last August. A third went in the firebox of the local steam railway he supported and he went out the chimney to a toot of the horn. A third was scattered on my mums grave , just in time for them to be together for Christmas. My brother has some to scatter on my dads mums grave in Germany where he grew up, and I'm taking the rest to Cornwall next month to where my and dh got married and visit regularly. A happy place. I still talk to my dad when I go in his empty house. He's not there of course but I can still feel him.
The ashes are the last physical link to the person you know so I could understand why you found that hard.

WannabeLaraCroft · 16/04/2015 09:21

Holger that made me well up, what a beautiful thing to say.

I agree with everyone here so nothing to add, but I'm so sorry for your loss, and your pain Thanks

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 16/04/2015 09:26

We scattered my Dad in a wood that he had played in when he was a child, I often think of him, roaming his playground, climbing trees, poking puddles with sticks, back to the freedom of his childhood. It helps to think of him like that. Hope you feel ok about things now, it is hard, my thoughts are with you!

albertcamus · 16/04/2015 09:33

Agree with Holger, I kept some of my Dad's ashes, DH had a wood-working friend make a beautiful wooden container with a screw tight lid. This sits on his piano, near his photo. It means a lot to me & was a huge comfort at the time. He brought me up as a LP and I could not be parted from him totally, although the rest of his ashes were buried in a place he loved. My sister thought I was crazy, each to their own. Sending support Flowers

ShesAStar · 16/04/2015 09:34

Can you keep a tiny amount in a pill box or something so you can keep them with you?

I kept a tiny amount of my Gran's because I didn't want to be without her. I realise that logicically this makes no sense and might be thought of as a bit odd by some but physiologically I find it very comforting.

Tunna · 16/04/2015 09:38

our local council does memorial benches that you can pay for to go in certain places. We got one overlooking a favoured beach where she had many a happy time with her children over the years, might be worth getting in touch to see if they do the same?

We scattered my dads ashes off the ferry on the River Mersey as he was a merchant sailor. It gives us a nice feeling thinking that he could be floating around all those places he visited when he was in his prime.

rumbelina · 16/04/2015 09:40

My dad died 10 years ago and last year when my DGM (his mum) died we buried some of his ashes with hers. It felt so wonderful to be putting him with his mum (although at the same time shit as didn't want to have lost either of them)

I have kept some of his ashes in one of those crying onion pots from the 70s - it would have amused him enormously.

loveareadingthanks · 16/04/2015 11:46

I would never keep ashes. Sorry if this is offensive, but what's going to happen to them long term? when you pass away they aren't going to be lovingly passed down through the generations, they'll end up in a bin. Keep them for a while if you need to, then arrange their scattering yourself.

I know it can be a bit tricky not to have a focus for memorials, such as a plot to visit, but really you have got exactly the same thing. OK, he's not resting in a few certain square inches, but he is resting where he and your Mum want him to be, and when you visit there, it'll feel the same. A friend's father was scattered in countryside he loved, she returned the next year and took some seeds from flowers that grew there, and planted them in her garden. They were 'Dad's flowers' and helped a lot. Can you do something like that?

Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 16/04/2015 12:29

Again, thank you for responses.

Like I said, I have kept some of DDad's ashes in a small box. This will not end up in the bin in years to come as a PP has said, as it was always my intention (with permission granted by dMum), to go and scatter this last amount in Nepal where he was born. So, at some stage we are planning to go there to make his journey in life have come full circle (cheesy, huh?).

As I also said in my earlier post, I as just having a wobble. I know deep inside he'll always be with me.

Thank you though for your kind thoughts and words, you have all made me feel a whole lot better.

OP posts:
rumbelina · 20/04/2015 13:33

So what if they do end up in a bin? It's about the here and now and doing what's best for yourself when you are bereaved.

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