Friends mental health problems

[Sammo0]

First post, hope someone with experience can help. Concerns my friend. She's 31, married long term (lovely) partner in July and ive known them both for years.

Shes always struggled with mental health issues. History of depression and anxiety, chronic pain and now anorexia. Her new H is at his wits end and says that it is mosy for attention and doesnt believe the anorexia diagnosis. I might add that he is very caring and isnt burying his head in the sand. I have suspected that something is up and have been trying to get in touch to find out but haven't had my messages returned. She is very needy ( but a very good person) and confided that she "worries" that i see our other friend more than her and we are no longer as close and that she misses me. This is simply because i live 15 mins from her and friend in question lives 100 miles away. I am due to give birth to our first babies (twins) in 4 weeks and she said on Saturday. She revealed all about the anorexia in a somewhat passive agressive text message this morning and accused me of not showing as much of an interest in her anymore. Really hard work. I confess that i have suspected she might be depressed again for about 3 months as i can tell by her texts (and lack of). I guess you just know people, dont you? She hasnt enquired about my babies (no problem, im not keeping tabs) but i dont know how to react to this news? Wwyd? Sometimes i cant help but wonder whether this is going to keep resurfacing time and again until she faces up to her chronic need for love and attention. She had a fairly difficult childhood and i believe this is the root of her subsequent problems.

Hi OP. It's really nice to see you showing concern for your friend, I also suffer from depression and anxiety (anxiety is OCD related). I do not have an eating disorder but have worked with people who do and my former step-sister had it very badly, weighing 4.5 stone at her worst.

Your friend's DH may mean well, I don't know him and you say he's nice, but saying 'she is just doing it for attention' is not a very helpful or caring attitude to have - he needs to get over that one and educate himself about what mental illness actually is. Anorexia in particular is not an attention seeking disorder even though many people have that misconception. It is disease of control; usually the sufferer feels unable to control anything else around them and thus exerts extreme control over the food they eat.

If you're serious about helping her, I strongly advise both you and her DH to read up properly on these disorders, particularly anorexia, as it can get very bad very quickly and it unfortunately is very very difficult to cure - sufferers often relapse. I reccommend www.b-eat.co.uk as a first choice of call, they are dedicated to eating disorders in particular.

Would your friend go for counselling?

Sorry but I think your main concern should lie with your babies and yourself. If your friend is depressed, which may well be the case, all you can do is be supportive but not get too involved.
However, you are just about to enter one of the most exciting but thoroughly challenging time of your life. You honestly will need all your energy to cope with what is about to happen to you.
Even if she is depressed she is exhibiting rather peculiar sentiments about your other friends. She sounds a bit control Freaky and jealous. It also sounds as though she was like that anyway.
Friends should inspire you, not worry or try to control you.

Best of luck with your Twins and give your friend and her problems a miss. Relax and chill as you have such a short time left to do both. Xxl

She needs specialist professional help for her anorexia nervosa, a particular severe mental illness with the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric disorders.
Her DH's attitude, "I don't believe the diagnosis, it's just for attention" is really unhelpful.
Insight into ones own anorexia is a real problem and barrier to recovery
He needs to help her realise what a problem it is, not minimise it.
OH dear, If I were you, I would recommend professional help, and concentrate on your twinnies

holeinmyheart Thankfully the OP is not as self centred as you recommended in your post because she's asking here for help.

Sammo, you sound like a really lovely friend but she needs professional help. Her DH needs help and support too. How well do you know her DH? Can you point him in the direction of some practical support?

Tha ks so much everything. I don't think its a case of her DH being naiive, rather i think he is, as he put it "getting to the end of his tether as its one thing after another". Ultimately her neediness and anxiety impacts their life quite a lot in that she needs a lot of atte tion and to be looked after during these periods of illness. She has spoken about a clinic - what happens here if you dont mind me asking?

Thanks also for the kind comments, i can imagine i'll be very busy soon(!) but keen to be there for her as she does lean on me quite a lot. Stupid question perhaps, but she often talks about wanting a baby of her own - is this even possible in this situation? Not as daft as i sound but have no experience of MHI apart from experiences of said friend.

It's not self centred to put your own health and well being before a friend when you are about to give birth to two babies. And I say that as someone with multiple mental health issues. I'd hate the thought of dragging someone down with me.

Sammm I am currently ttc but I have a very supportive DC and family and am resolving many of my MH issues. I would hope your friend would try to do the same before ttc.

My step sister was at a clinic for anorexia. Often the nhs will only pay for these in extreme cases unfortunately, does your friend/her DH have the money to pay for a private facility? They can be wonderfully helpful. You say your friend has been diagnosed with anorexia, what further help has the GP recommended.

You sound like a lovely friend, she is very lucky.

Natalia the OP isn't compromising her health and well being, she's asking how to help a friend in distress.

She is currently receiving counselling which they have to pay for themselves and she says this is a struggle so i dont think they have the means to pay for a private clinic. They only bought their first house half a year or so ago so their finances are quite stretched especially as she is currently off sick with no sick pay.

This sounds odd considering she is an old friend (and we are not polite with each other iyswim) but i am genuinely not sure exactly what i should say when i text her. I mean, if i say "how are things?" Which id normally send, is it a bit of a stupid question when its hardly like she'll have recovered since we last spoke?!

Op I've had twins. I had a healthy pregnancy but still the last few weeks were absolute hell and I could hardly walk.

I think you are lovely for having concern for your friend
But
I think you need to batten down the hatches and be kind to yourself mentally and physically at this point.

If her husband is kind as you say he needs to step up and recognise a real problem, and be the support she needs. I've known people with MH issues and anorexia and they've had kids.

You need to concentrate on yourself at this time or find that you are the one floundering.

Very good luck with your babies, I'm sure they'll be gorgeous.

"How are things?" sounds fine to me.

I agree you are your priority.

I feel for your friend. Statistics show Women take "in sickness and health" vows more seriously than Men. He is a bit of a Knobber if she had A&D before they married.

Id drop her. Sounds brutal but she is an emotional black hole and right now you are about to give birth to twins, your world will turn upside down, you'll be very hormonal and emotional and the LAST thing you need is someone demanding your emotional energy and who is not being prepared to be a great supportive friend to you. It's just a case of needs must...she has a husband and other friends, let them deal with it all.

Nickers - so strange that you post that because i had cervical cancer 5 years ago so i really can relate to what youre saying. I didnt want to include this in my OP for fear of people jumping to conclusions about me comparing the two. She was a good friend during this time in that she'd ask every week or so but since i received my NED status she has never since mentioned it come to think of it. I dont hold a grudge, i dont define myself by something which i may (i hope) never have to go through again but maybe theres a part of me who wishes she could be more interested in my twins.

How are you nickers? I do hope your treatment is going well.

OP your friend needs professional help. It's really nice you're being supportive but you don't need to take on all the responsibility.

Yes it is all relative.

Look op when she was well she was there for you in your time of need. I wouldn't drop her. She is a good friend just ill right now.

You are going to have a massive upheaval with dt being born. You will be very busy and your friend would fade into the background anyway after this change. Maybe explain you love her and want to stay friends , your dc will be taking centre stage now in as nice a way as possible.

Op you are a really really good friend. I bet she is very grateful to have you in her life.
Im really glad to read that some people don't drop their friends when they really need them.
Wish you all luck with your twins x

Sympathise with you completely OP. I have a friend who is exactly like this, and I got the same passive aggressive texts. It is attention seeking to an extent. But when things have got tough for me recently and been going well for her she's nowhere to be seen. It's all one way traffic. I've started to ease away gradually from the "friendship" really. It's harsh but MH issues aren't always an excuse for complete self-absorbedness

Whoever said about being an emotional black hole is right.

She is doing it for attention? maybe if she dumped the fuckwit DH she might feel better.

You are a lovely friend OP but you need to prioritise yourself. I'd let her know that you care very much about her and suggest that if things are getting worse she sees her GP and asks for a referral to MH or specialist ED services. I'd also say that with the birth of your babies you are not going to be able to focus on her needs as you will have your hands full!!! It might be worth pointing out to her that if you are less available it's not because you don't care but you too have things happening in your life. She needs to be a friend to you too. Your friend needs to develop her own emotional resilience and this is best found through professional therapy. ED is a complex diagnosis and it's not your job to fix her.
She's lucky to have you!