Who is being unreasonable - and what's the solution?

[AutumnDragon]

DS has a chronic illness, one of the symptoms of which is Hyperacusis (sensitivity to certain noises which causes extreme pain). He has had this for 6 years, so not a new thing.

At the weekend DH needed to mow and strim the garden. We live in a barn conversion and the "garden" is more field in nature and gets very wild if not managed. The petrol strimmer is one of the noises that hurts DS, the electric one is ok (not wonderful but manageable with headphones).

DS wanted DH to use the electric one, DH got in an arse and refused as it would take longer. He would not even compromise and do the back garden with the electric one, which would have been fine as DS could have stayed at the back of the house to minimise the noise from the petrol one in the front.

DS going out would have caused other issues to do with his illness, once or twice would be ok, but this is going to be a weekly argument until winter.

So who is right - DH as the work has to be done or DS as this causes him physical pain over and above the pain he is already in?

Your DH is being a serious arsehole. He won't save his son from real pain because it would mean a bit more work for him? Is he always this selfish?

Can't someone take your son out while this is done?
Is there not enough space for him to go the the front/back of the house with his headphones on whilst youd DH does the opposite garden?

Can you borrow some sheep if the field is big or have you tried the new push landmower. Also can ds go out whilst the field is being moved?

Well I don't think either of you are being reasonable really. TBH, chores like mowing / strimming, especially on a weekly basis, should be done in the easiest and fastest way possible, so I'm with your DH on that. But I do sympathise with your DS.

Why can't your DS go out though? This would surely be the best option, even if you just drive around in the car with him for a while, rather than go somewhere. Can you try to soundproof a small room in the house? mattresses and duvets against the windows?

Could anyone do it while your ds is in school?

Maybe pay someone?

Get some ear defenders? He can use them for other problem noises too.

What did you do for the last 6 years?

Can't DH do this when DS is at school or out of the house?

If not, headphones and earplugs?

I wouldn't want my DS to be in pain, but things need to be done, so it's a case of working together to find a solution.

I think your Dh is in the 'right' here. If it's more efficient then use the one that is louder.
I would take DS out during these times.

I speak as someone who also has this problem (I'm severely hard of hearing, wear hearing aids, but some noises are exquisitely sensitive to my ears) and I wouldn't expect someone to change a work tool for my benefit. I'd just remove myself from the situation (if possible - obviously if your DS is bed bound then please ignore all that advice.)

Sorry, should have said that DS is 18, so not at school (too ill for school anyway).

He can hear it through the headphones / ear defenders. As far as I can understand it, its like nails on a chalkboard right next to your ear would be for someone without the condition - but worse!

It takes all morning to do the strimming/mowing, so going out for that long would be too tiring. We will go out some weekends, but then DH gets annoyed as I'm not helping.

What really annoyed me is that DS can manage the ride on mower and did the majority of the mowing the day before. But if he does this amount of work, he then needs to rest the next day, so going out would be exhausting for him.

I'm also torn on this, the work does have to be done and DH does work hard (self employed and was working Saturday) but I hate my PFB hurting especially as there was an alternative.

They aren't cheap, but have you tried the electronic ear defenders? They work a bit like noise cancelling headphones with the added bonus of the insulation materials.
Or, can you sell the petrol strimmer and buy a second electric one, so you and DH can tackle it together and get it done quicker?

If it takes all morning then I can see why your DH would want to do it the most efficient way possible. I would still accommodate this if it were me.

Why doesn't your DS just do an hour or so of the mowing, not the majority so that he's contributed without being exhausted? And couldn't you go to the cinema or a local library (if cinema is too expensive) during the time that your DH is doing it. That wouldn't be too tiring?
I'm sorry that at 18 he is so unwell. That must be so hard.

Again, I speak as someone who has this and is listening to someone using something akin to a buzz saw a few meters from my window! I'm about to go out because of it. I'm afraid we people with this condition have to find ways around it, because life has to go on. For me, people whistling is just incredibly awful for my ears! My FIL is my nemesis with this.

Isn't the ride on mower a petrol thing as well?

I can see both sides - keeping the grass down on that size of garden must be a nightmare, so it makes sense to do it as quickly as possible. I think going out, even for a short time makes sense - perhaps taking the car and sitting in it with a hot drink and a book? Either that, or a sheep as a PP suggested?

Dh gets annoyed you are not helping? It's a good job he's not married to me, I don't do any gardening. Ever. If I lived on my own I'd have a terraced house with a back yard.

Why not do the work in stages, so you can go out for an hour, DH does an hour's work and the same the next day so it's not too tiring for DS but some of it gets done. To be honest if the garden is a field-type garden then why not leave it wild and make it a kind of nature reserve? Sounds like it would be easier all round. Just keep a small patch (in the front?) as a proper garden.

Does that mean he can't listen to music/tv or anything through headphones?

If he can watch TV then I would thought listening to it through headphones would mean you couldn't hear the noise outside.

What's his prognosis, is he going to get better?

lemonyone I do sympathise with you as well. DS's condition has really opened my eyes to "invisible" disabilities. Even now I sometimes forget and do something that hurts him, and I'm probably the one who is most attuned to the issue. The buzz saw would just about kill him!

SirChenjin it's hard to explain, some noises hurt, some don't. The petrol mower is a lower frequency or something, whereas the strimmer is a very sharp noise - sort of like a luxury car sound compared to a tuned up boy racer car ?? (I wish the mower sounded as smooth as a luxury car!)

I love the idea of sheep - but so would the dogs . I favour Alpaca but we can't afford them.

The solution I came up with was to strim the back garden myself with the electric one. Unfortunately I have carpal tunnel syndrome, and the vibration from the strimmer means a couple of weeks in a splint for me. So the upshot of the 2 of them bickering is that I'm the one in pain and very grumpy, and they are having to help me with cooking and cleaning!

Going out is stressful for DS as he has no control over other people's noise. Due to this he refuses to go out in general. Just travelling in a car is exhausting for him.

I'm sorry, I'm sounding all negative to all the solutions but after 6 years, I have tried everything. DS is stubborn and guess who he gets it from! There is a huge history between the two of them, and I'm always in the middle. Normally I just find a compromise and manage the situation but on this one I'm at my wits end.

Trust me, they are both only too aware of who I blame for the pain I'm in and it won't be happening again!

I couldn't bear all the hassle. I would be saving up to buy those ear defenders a pp mentioned. Or try a charity. Life is too short.

If I had to pick a side I would side with your dh.

Why is it hard to sit in the library for say, three hours or going walking. Ok not every week but does it need cutting every week?

LaurieFairyCake He has only just been able to start listening to music via headphones again. Listening in a room is one thing, but the headphones kind of concentrate the sound too much ?? I think anyway.

He has CFS/ME. A lot of teens get it, but they tend to grow out of it. Unfortunately some don't. So the prognosis is unclear. He is loads better in himself than he was, but sometimes I read the posts on MN about teenagers misbehaving in some way - and I'm JEALOUS! I have the worlds best behaved teen. I know where he is all the time and I know what he's doing all the time!

muminhants DH works long hours, 6 or 7 days a week. Add to that England's lovely unpredictable weather, and gardening ends up being done on any vaguely dry weekend. Normally FiL would help us manage but he's hurt himself and is waiting for an Op, realistically he's going to be out of action for the whole of the year - so we are having to help MiL manage their garden as well. Leaving it to go wild isn't an option, the only thing I can reliably grow is nettles - and they grow taller than me . Nettle stings on the tip of your nose really, really hurt! We also have to keep it safe for the dogs.

I think you need to find a compromise. Either get a different mower or DS needs to be taken out for those hours. It doesn't have to be too strenuous, maybe he could go to MIL and FIL for the morning and just rest on their sofa?

Is DH DS's father?

Other than the pricier ear defenders and/or going out for a time, I can't see much other solution. Can you afford to get the ear defenders someone else suggested?

Both of you have a fair point. Your husband has the best tools for the job (petrol engine mower and strimmer) and wants to use them to get it done as effeciently as possible. You are trying to find a way to help your son tolerate it.

Is it possible for your son to go and spend the day with a friend or family member for a few hours whilst the job is done? Failing that, take the dogs for a good walk to minimise his exposure to it?

Other than that, I hear that goats make pretty good lawn mowers, and pigs have good snouts for digging the place up and probably getting rid of any nettles.

I think if there was some maintenance stuff that took all morning that would have to come down to me doing it because no one else was up to it I would want to do it as quickly and as well as possible. Particularly if I'd potentially have to do it every week, and you say he works 6 or 7 days a week. That means he's spending pretty much half his time not at work doing that, then saving half an hour becomes very valuable for him.

Is it possible that if he does it with the petrol one, then he might have to do it less often? Hence if he has to only do it every other weekend I think on average that would be better, particualrly as the electric one isn't ideal either.

But also if they're both stubborn (my df and db were like this) and easily at loggerheads, I would certainly consider the possibility that both your dh is exaggerating the "betterness" of the petrol one, and your ds is exaggerating how painful it is, or how much better the electric one is.
And oh, I could see my df and db doing this

I think though if your ds refuses to go out anywhere because of potential noise, then I would be having less sympathy too there though. Because I'm sure you could find a quiet cafe, or museum or library where the chance of noise would be fairly small. If he's totally not up to going out, that's different, but I think I'd probably give him the option of choosing somewhere to try or not complaining. Perhaps then they could alternate going out and not going out and electric and petrol.

Because you seem to say that the only possible compromise is your dh using the electric, which isn't a compromise on both sides, just your dh compromising.

Have you tried playing white noise through headphones? maybe that would dull it for him a bit.

This may seem odd but do you have any space in either your DS's room or home to put something like a hammock that he could use when your DH wanted to mow the garden?

The petrol mower is probably more painful for him because of the vibrations and has some different background tones than the electric one. A hammock wouldn't stop the vibrations but might help reduce a little combined with headphones/ear defenders.

Has anyone also suggested using pink noise to help him re-train his hearing. It's similar to white noise but is more like our everyday sounds. I have tinnitus and some hyperacusis and it really can be a mean thing.

the pain really can be overwhelming, like someone taking sharpened pencils and ramming them all the way into your ears, or if you've ever had that awful earache in winter from the cold wind, multiply that by 10. Everyone is different and will have different tolerance levels but it really does hurt.

Little things affect it, newspaper pages turning, the kettle, the beeping at a crossing, the engine noise sat in a car, even the sound of your own voice. I had to change mine in the beginning. The fear of the pain from noise can be such that it gets avoided completely, and with every thing else he's dealing with I can understand him not wanting to hurt more.

Autumn - you are right about the different kinds of noises. For example: singing = fine, whistling=hell.
Car noise=fine. High-pitched whiney motorbikes = hell.
I have the paradox of being hard of hearing with hearing aids, but finding some noises too loud and painful. Tis weird.

I do think though it sounds like this is a problem which is not about 'the problem'. The strimming sounds like a metaphor for your DHs and DSs life at the moment, both having different 'stubborn' possibly valid needs, and you stuck in the middle.

Do you feel you are getting adequate help for the CFS? Have you seen an audiologist about your DSs hearing? There are ways you can 'distract' yourself from noises and they would be the ones to help. In many ways, the more you isolate yourself from noise, the more horrendous it becomes. I find kids playgrounds a pain as I can't control the screaming, but i have learnt to control my reaction to other people's noise. I have to do this for my DCs happiness.
I think your son needs help, in a concrete way, rather than only avoiding the problem.

If DS can manage a bit of time using the ride-on mower, then can't he do it in stages? Say an hour a day or something? Then he's doing it his way, helping out you and DH and everyone is happy..

Sounds to me like there's a lot of refusing to compromise on everyone's part. Bit of a power struggle going on here.

And if DS is capable of managing a bit of mowing, and you're in the countryside, can't he take himself off for a gentle walk and sit in the middle of a field whilst your DH does the mowing. I'm feeling sorry for your DH here.

Otherwise - move house.