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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my DH is a facetious little brat?

46 replies

EthelDurant123 · 14/04/2015 19:49

Dd is 8. Her father is good cop, I am bad cop, but both of us hate poor manners and awful attitude. My daughter went to school a well behaved loving child this morning after two weeks of holidays and came home a bad mannered, shaky headed facetious brat. She answered back, she pointed out everything she found objectionable about me, she didn't say thank you to her dad when he cooked us dinner, orvwhen I gave her pudding, she watched TV and ignored me when I tried getting her to put her pj's on, then lied when she claimed she didn't hear me. (I was sat next to her). Her dad is out atm, but he would ignore her behaviour if he was here. His attitude is not to give the bad behaviour an arena. I agree, but totally lost it when she lied and yelled at her to get her act together. She hates me when I yell and started to cry. I'm assuming some of her peers at school think it's cool to behave like an ungrateful moo but I won't have it under my roof. Am I too hard on her? Give it to me straight.

OP posts:

MrsKCastle · 14/04/2015 21:04

You say she lied about hearing you, but wasn't she watching TV at the time? If she was engrossed in a programme, it's entirely possible that she didn't actually 'hear' you, as in it didn't register.

I do think that you need to ease up on her a bit. It sounds like this afternoon was really negative for both of you, but I bet there were things she did right as well. If you can find something to praise- even something that seems really insignificant like taking her plate to the kitchen without being asked- then it can help to move things into a more positive focus.

GoblinLittleOwl · 14/04/2015 21:04

Your daughter was badly behaved: you told her off. Good for you. Send her to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

PuntasticUsername · 14/04/2015 21:07

Everyone else has made good points, to which I would add: maybe try and find some more unity between you and your husband in your parenting approaches. Obv kids do Get that Mum and Dad will often do things slightly different ways, but it sounds as if your styles are so different that your daughter could be getting unhelpfully caught in the middle. Also, when you go about things so differently it's harder to feel like the parenting team you ought to be; also, even the sweetest child will eventually learn to find the gaps in your approaches, and you'll then be vulnerable to her being able to divide and conquer you.

Sorry, that all sounds dead bossy and it's not even really what you asked about! Take it with a pinch of salt if it's not helpful, it's just maybe something else to think about is all.

keepsmiling2015 · 14/04/2015 21:16

I think you might be being a bit hard on her. It's hard for them to settle back into routine.

viva100 · 14/04/2015 21:17

Poor thing just sounds exhausted to me. If this is not normal behaviour for her then you should let it go. I have days when I get back from a terrible day at work and I'm grumpy and exhausted, when I can only see the bad things around me, DP annoys me for no reason and I just want to be left alone.
And I agree with PP who said the good cop bad cop strategy needs revising. It will start to backfire very soon.

Qwebec · 14/04/2015 21:24

some form of extremely polite oppression

hidingfromthem · 14/04/2015 21:38

YANBU.
you did the right thing.
she needs to learn.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 14/04/2015 21:45

At work when i am busy people actually have to touch my arm, or wave something literally in front of my face to get my attention, no amount of talking gets through.
So it is possible she didn't hear you. I know some days i lose it and shout at my son, he cries sometimes before i have uttered a single word, so no "shouting at someone so much you made them cry" needed here.

Purplepoodle · 14/04/2015 21:50

Er u did well for lasting that long. I would have counted her behaviours and sent her for time out in her room, but I can't abide rudeness

ragged · 14/04/2015 21:52

The word you want is insolent not facetious. Just saying.

TwoOddSocks · 14/04/2015 21:53

No way did her attitude suddenly change over night because she spent one day with friends at school. As others have said she's probably tired and stressed about getting used to the new routine. At 8 she's not an adult and doesn't know how to handle those kind of emotions. You can let her know that her manners aren't what you expect without making yourself totally unapproachable to her like you have by shouting and by labelling her has a "little brat".

Doesn't sound like she did anything terribly bad, you could have just reminded her to say thank you and turned the TV off if she wasn't paying attention. I think it's unreasonable to expect an 8 year old to be able to manage emotions perfectly when you as an adult (just like the rest of us sometimes) obviously can't.

FarFromAnyRoad · 14/04/2015 21:56

Everyone in this house thanks the person who cooked. Always have and still do even though DC are adults now. It's just polite.
If someone thinks it's 'oppressive' to expect thanks for time and money invested in cooking a meal then I would expect their manners in all other matters to be poor as well.

Annabannbobanna · 14/04/2015 21:58

Why are you making judgements and assumptions about her friends? To make you feel better? Maybe they are worse, maybe they are far better. She behaved badly, but don't automatically start thinking she is copying her friends.

TwoOddSocks · 14/04/2015 22:05

FarFromAnyRoad I wasn't the person that said that but...

I don't think there's anything wrong with thanking the person who cooks, it's a good habit to get into but at 8 years old she probably doesn't feel genuine gratitude for a cooked meal it's just what she's been taught to say so I don't think in not saying she's suddenly an "entitled brat" who has drastically changed overnight.

She's probably just tired and forgot/didn't want tom go through that particular ritual. By all means remind her that that is what is expected but don't read into it that she's some kind of ungrateful brat.

Nayville · 14/04/2015 22:12

Op she might have had a crap day or as others have said, been tired so was ratty because of that.
Maybe a chat about her day would have helped, unless you tried that and got nowhere

I am perhaps under qualified to help actually. I have a 3 year old who (naturally) displays this behaviour regularly so I combat it with chats/cuddles/turning blind eye/a bit of chocolate etc

Would any of that placate an 8 yr old?

RupertsGirlGroom · 15/04/2015 09:06

I just think forcing people to say things they dont mean is a form of power assertion, and therefore an act of humiliation for the child. Yes, tell them its nice\ polite to say thanks... but to force it as part of a power battle is a bit pathetic.

mumeeee · 15/04/2015 09:21

I am another one who thinks you are being to hard on your DD. She is only 8 years old and was probably tired after her first day back at school. I don't think she lied to you about not hearing you. She was engrossed in watching television. I know that when I'm engrossed in watching a programme or reading I often don't hear what someone has said to me even if they are sitting next to me.

TheListingAttic · 15/04/2015 11:14

ignored me when I tried getting her to put her pj's on, then lied when she claimed she didn't hear me. (I was sat next to her).
totally lost it when she lied

This is such a small, silly, trivial thing to get worked up about. 8 year old doesn't want to get ready for bed, pretends not to hear you - it's so insignificant, why are you getting so angry about this? You sound like you're overreacting in the extreme. Answering back isn't great, not saying thank you for dinner is less than perfect but it's hardly "an awful attitude", but it's all such small stuff. You say she points out "everything she found objectionable about me" - from your description it does sound like it's your behaviour that is the most objectionable here. Your daughter is getting a minor mardy on after a long day at school and you're blowing up at her like she's trashed the house and cursed you out or something!

Breath. Stay calm. Save your energy for the bigger stuff that's actually worth bothering with.

coppertop · 15/04/2015 11:21

It sounds like tiredness to me too. There's the big build-up to the first day back and then the big come-down when the school day is over.

I think you were too hard on her.

FenellaFellorick · 15/04/2015 11:28

Have you never been right next to someone but off in your own little world and genuinely just not been aware you were being spoken to? I have. It happens.

I think that you and your husband need to get together and agree a strategy. It's confusing for a child if the parents seem to go their own way on the rules! It creates uncertainty whereas if you are both singing from the same hymn sheet, it makes things a lot easier. There shouldn't be a good cop and a bad cop.

She probably was tired, first day back is a bugger. Of course her behaviour was far from ideal but point to a child whose behaviour is constantly ideal and I'll be worried

I think that screaming at her because she didn't respond to you was an overreaction. You could have touched her arm, put your face between her and the tv and said hi day dreamer, you could have turned off the tv, etc.

UnbelievableBollocks · 15/04/2015 11:47

My children are horrors after the first day back as they're both tired.

Deal with it there and then. You then park it up and move on.

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