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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm an awful neighbour, I only had 5 minutes for a lonley dying woman

19 replies

medona · 13/04/2015 21:30

Just as I was getting home tonight after a long tiring day my neighbour waved me down and asked if I could help move a few things. I obviously dropped everything (literally leaving shopping bags on the pavement to help her). I spent a few mins moving the stuff for her, had a bit of a chit chat and then rushed off as was hungry and had a lot to do. Its was obvious that she was lonley wanting someone to speak to and although I did help I did rush off as was just thinking about me. She's got terminal cancer and I'm feeling really bad that I didn't make more of an effort.

I'm I a selfish bitch?

It seems so strange, you go from working full time with not enough hours in the day, to retiring and having all the time in the world to feel lonley.

OP posts:

maresedotes · 13/04/2015 21:33

You're not selfish, you helped her. Could you pop in and visit her on another occasion?

youmakemydreams · 13/04/2015 21:33

You are not awful you dropped everything and have her a hand when she needed you. She now knows if she didn't already that she has some support in you if she needs it.
If you feel bad though why not suggest popping into hers with a cake for a cup of tea sometime when you do have more than 5 minutes.
You aren't selfish you did a lovely
Thing and had your own life commitments. Hats as it is she isn't your responsibility but you helped her when she needed it.
I think you're lovely.

SunbathingCat · 13/04/2015 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/04/2015 21:34

Don't feel bad - you did what she asked you to do at once and you WERE busy with your shopping bags.

If you feel bad you could always Pop a note through her door in the morning saying you'll pop in after work to see if she needs anything. I bet it would make her day.

gamerchick · 13/04/2015 21:35

I agree pop back in for a cuppa.

MammaTJ · 13/04/2015 21:36

Nope, I cannot find it in me to judge what you did today!

You gave what you could.

You will give what you can next time too, I am sure of that. Possibly even the time after and the time after that.

Nothing to judge you for so far, or in the future.

Stop being so hard on yourself!

ShesAStar · 13/04/2015 21:36

Your are not selfish - you helped her! You should pop in and see her if you can, otherwise you will torture yourself with ideas of cruelty for years to come! Another time of course- not tonight.

FearfullyAndWonderfullyMade · 13/04/2015 21:38

You helped her and I'm sure she'd be so pleased to have had somebody to chat to. More people should be like you.

honeysucklejasmine · 13/04/2015 21:39

I thought from your thread title that she had died. But she hasn't! Which means you have plenty of opportunities to be the friendly, helpful person you want to be. Don't be guilty, be proactive!

Shallishanti · 13/04/2015 21:39

yes, go round tomorrow or whenever you can manage it and be clear what you can do- 'are you busy weds afternoon as I will have an hour free then before I have to get the dinner. And Ill be going to sainsbos on Friday, if you give me a l list I'll get your stuff while I'm there'

Original poster

medona · 13/04/2015 21:41

Thanks i really needed another perspective on this, its only now several hours later I'm feeling guilty.

At least its got me aware, will invite her round for a drink next time I have more time to spare ;)

OP posts:

Shallishanti · 13/04/2015 21:42

another helpful thing you can do (while you are on your computer ) is find out what local voluntary orgs there are that might support her - I'm guessing she is elderly and won't be able to find this info as easily as you

and well done

wearenotinkansas · 13/04/2015 21:42

why don't you ask her to your house for dinner instead? You'll feel less pressured for time and she might like the change, assuming she is well enough to come

QTPie · 13/04/2015 21:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/04/2015 06:20

I had a similar situation woth a lonely neighbour, who was lovely.

Please make time - it will be lovely for her, and you'll feel good too!

Ime you get this time back in spades, feeling youve done something thats been a real benefit to someone else!

keepsmiling2015 · 15/04/2015 08:41

No you're not selfish you're just human.. why not pop round some other day for a cuppa :-)

MNpostingbot · 15/04/2015 09:04

You're not a bad neighbour you just took first step to being a really great neighbour.

Pop back round in next day or two, say "anything I can help with, fancy a cup of tea" it will make her week.

CMOTDibbler · 15/04/2015 09:11

You know, just 5 minutes of your time is great - it doesn't need to be anything massive to make a difference.

I'm always eternally grateful to those people who give my dad a couple of minutes chat when he witters at them in the street as for a very frail old man who is caring for someone with dementia, thats all the RL interaction he gets every day. But a tiny bit of time more frequently is more important to him than a cup of tea every few weeks

Original poster

medona · 15/04/2015 09:55

Thanks, tbh the guilt came because I could of spared more time but I wanted to go swimming and I wanted to watch a TV shoe that night

I'm trying to do the little and often, yesterday while dinner was on, went out for a few mins for a conversation, thank god for induction cookers and auto shut off timers

OP posts:

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