To be upset about not getting play dates for dp

[Whathehell]

Hello everyone, this is about my dp who is 4+. He is very social, bright & well behaved. He was in a nursery which we absolutely loved but had to start part time school just last September.

The school administration is lovely but it's the parents who seem to be a problem. I gave my little one couple of months to settle in before I started to ask him questions like who he likes in his class? Who his friends are? Who would he like to avoid ? The usual parent questions and he answered them really well.

To confirms what he was saying was right, on the parent teacher meeting his teacher updated us with his associations in his class.

In December we sent Christmas / new year cards to the whole class, 32 kids but just 3 people reciprocated the gesture. Not even a thank you from any one during the school run.

We decided not to take it too seriously and continued trying to socialise with his class mates, after all he is going to spend next 8 years with them . I requested play dates with some of the boys he is friends with, but strangely after agreeing dates, parents cancel them last minute. One of the parents even sent a cancellation text at 1:00 midnight citing (what ever nonsense reasons ) another one said that they suddenly planned a holiday and are going away ( very strange, with 4 kids and one of them new born).

Mums have formed a sort of a group like white, Asians and NON talking ones. I don't want to be a part of any group in particular . All I want is for my dp to have a play time & associate with his class mates.

He goes to other extracurricular activities but school is where he spends most of his time. Please help because I have never seen this behaviour and I am bewildered and upset at how these parents are.

Please help !

Where are you OP ? are you talking about the UK ?

I hope you mean DS, not DP?

He's 4, yes? All the mums I know of that age would want to go on play dates with their children.
Therefore the dilemma could be that they don't really want to hang around someone's house they're not interested in befriending OR they haven't been asked along too.
That's just my experience though and I'm sure you're lovely

do you take him to and from school yourself or does a childminder or grandparent take him? It sounds like you dont know any of the other mums, and being on the playground you can just chat about the weather, or why they are so slow coming out, or the cute song they've been learning and your DS has been singing all week - don't wait for someone else to make the first move, smile & start a conversation. SAy 'oh are you X's mum, DS is always talking about X'. Joining the PTA is a great way of meeting people and getting to know the school, especialy if you don't do school runs.
Sometimes playdates do have to be cancelled, especially if parents have more than one child and are constantly juggling kids social and school activities.

Try to organise something with mums and dcs in the park, there might be a park or playground many go to right after school. We didn't really start them until summer term in reception year, we have loads now 2 years on. But at 4 you will often have mum and child, so do a couple in a public place, it can be quite full on to go to someone's house.

Try not to worry too much. When my children were that age I would have been very reluctant for them to go on playdates with children whose parents I didn't know because I wouldn't have wanted to leave them but I wouldn't have wanted to stay and have to chat with someone I didn't know well.
As for Christmas cards, it's a nice thing to do but not something most people will do and certainly not something you'd go out of your way to thank a parent for.

I think you need to take a step back and stop trying so hard.

Many parents leave the writing and sending of cards to their kids when they're old enough, otherwise if they have 2 or 3 kids in the school, that's 60 or 90 cards for the parents to sort/supervise.

Equally with the playdates, some will be easy come easy go about it until their kids form proper firm friendships.

It's rude to cancel at the last minute though, so YANBU there.

oh yes i agree that 4 is too young for a play date without parent, unless its a family you already know well from nursery.
So you need to invite the parent too, and that makes it harder on those that have other siblings to think about, or other activities to dash off to. The park is a good idea, we had a class meet up in the easter hols of reception - long time ago, DD is now in year 10!!

LOL ??. I sure mean DS, damn this auto correct. I drop him . I have done all that ,- small talks, initiating the common topics ( like making of Easter bonnet ?? ) I am a part of PTA , talking to his associates , take part in all the school activities ( costume making, numeracy & literacy classes) infact DS is very social & friendly.

Sorry not familiar with short word too much. What is OP?

I would give him a bit more time to get to know the other children better and get to know the other parents a bit better in the playground.

I didn't want them to come alone. I expect a parent/ carer.

OP is original poster - YOU- or the opening post - your first message of the conversation :)

playdates don't start until school in my experience

Kids come on their own for tea & a play
Parents don't come

Is English your second language? Not that this is a reason for people to avoid you of course but just wondering if it is making it harder for you to communicate effectively?

I think you just need to stop and breathe a wee bit. Playing at school friends houses doesn't even really start until the kids are around 6 where I am. Usually in the second or third year of primary school, until they can be left alone or the parent brings both kids back to their house after school. I've cancelled play dates at short notice and had them cancelled on me - kids illnesses, people being called into work, other siblings having to attend a club, after school thing, just usually family type chaos. You seem to be taking it a bit to heart.

The Christmas card/New Year card - I've never thanked a parent for a card my child has received or even mentioned it in passing. To be honest I think it's a bit nonsensical until the child can do their own cards.

No problem with my language, even though the post might not look written by some one quiet articulate LOL-?? . I think I need not try so hard and leave it be.

I think it's the last minute cancellation that make my blood.

You should stop trying to force it and let your son make friends on his own, he will request friends to play over when he is old enough

I might be trying too hard but I think it's the last minute cancellations that makes my blood boil. I am
Sure from the excuses I got it didn't look like normal chaotic family thing. It was just them being rude.

My ds (5) is in Y1 and has never had a play date. I work Mon-Thurs so only get to do the playground chats on a Friday so only know a few mums, plus I can only host on a Friday, but ds has friends, gets invited to parties and we have done a couple of meals out with friends and their parents. I'm grateful I haven't had to have any yet actually!

Hi What,
I love a play date, Ds1&2 and me are forever striking up friendships and then having play dates, almost always including the mum and any other siblings.
BUT I had loadsa dates in jan/feb I had to cancel, some at very short notice because my boys kept picking up bugs and puking or worse. It's much better now the weather is improving so I have lots of people to catch up with now.
Just wondered if my recent cancellations might reflect your experience at all.
Keep on trucking.

When they are that little the only 'playdates' that I do are with my own friends and their children. My DS1 is 7, DD1 is 6, they have only in the last year (Max) just started having friends round after school because they don't need their parents to come.

I think you are pushing a bit too hard, parents feel like they should say yes but don't really want to so they cancel.

Also, he's only 4! Mine were shattered after school and only wanted to eat and relax afterwards before bed.

"Kids come on their own for tea & a play
Parents don't come"

They did when DD was in reception. DD didn't want to go to a stranger's house without me, and many of her classmates were the same.

Whatthehell It sounds like you have been unlucky and have come across a particularly cliquey set of parents. Perhaps when your son is a little older and he is badgering you at the school gate if so-and-so could come and play it may be that the parents are less unfriendly.

@ bun baker I think you are right. I think it is a set of cliquey parents & I can't do much about it. He is my only child so all this is very new to me. Although he was in a nursery before joining this school and everything was ok. Got invited a lot .

I wasn't sure whether this behaviour from parents is normal or it was just happening to me.

I am worried that with this kind of behaviour from parents ( no respect for other people's time) what example are they setting for their own kids? Sad state of affairs but glad i caught the rotten lot way early ??