Would you marry a stay at home dad?

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www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/fatherhood/11122773/Society-still-doesnt-like-the-idea-of-stay-at-home-dads.html

''According to researchers at the Lancaster University Management School, 82% of men who work full time, would like to spend more time with their children.''

''Public support for dads staying at home is close to zero; only 5% of us think dads should work part-time and the vast majority of us (73%) say dads should work full time.

So when a father decides to work part time, he is not just transgressing the social norms, he’s also jeapordising his ability to fulfill the masculine role of protector and provider. This may seem like an outdated concept, but research suggests that women all over the world still look for these qualities in a mate and are more likely than men to favour traits related to resources, like ambition, industriousness and earning capacity.''

Very interesting since there are 10 times more stay at home mums than dads in the UK, not to mention that many of the men's situations are circumstantial and the wife is not exactly happy. Just googling ''mumsnet breadwinner'' will bring up pretty much nothing but threads started by women who resent being the breadwinner. So how many women would love working FT while the husband stays at home or maybe does a little freelance on the side for a few quid a week?

Doesn't bother me at all, family money to me is family money - doesn't matter who earns the most at any one time. My DH became a SAHD when I went back to work after DS3 shows now 7, he's still at home but is now a registered childminder earning the same as me!

I'm married to dh who works fulltime while I work part time. However we talked seriously about this. In the end his career would have been over but mine is fine part time. Ultimately I'll go back fulltime, and I'd dh was made redundant I'd go fulltime while he stayed at home. I'd not have had a problem marrying a sahd, no

Is the question in the OP a bit cart before horse or is it me ?

Would I marry a man who stayed at home to look after someone else's kids ?

No

Would I completely rule out my husband staying at home to look after our joint children if it made more sense financially to do so ?

No again

I am married to a man who will be a SAHD from Octoberish. So err, yes I suppose. Your question doesn't really make sense.

Ugh. All this "men should" women should" stuff irritates me. Surely people just do what makes most financial sense for them and sod what anyone else thinks? Personally I wouldn't marry a man with children full stop as I don't want kids, but I really couldn't care less how other couples structure their arrangements as it's not my business!

I would - stay at home dads are lovely.

BUT of the two I know, one has a DW who resents being the breadwinner. She is very snarky with me for 'only' working part time and jealous I have the privilege of being home the rest of the week. (I agree though it's a privilege.)

I do think after giving birth it's common for women to have a deep and primal urge to be with their children while they are small. I'm very grateful DP works hard to make this possible for us.

I do think sahds rock though. The ones I know don't do much in terms of housework which probably benefits the kids as they get their full attention and a caregiver who isn't cranky and overworked like me for instance.

I wouldn't but I'm a pessimist who would worry about what would happen with the children if there was a relationship breakdown.

My DP earns more full time than I would so it would be silly for him to become a sahp but we can't afford for me to pack in working. So for me it's nothing to do with which parent is the stay at home one but rather what would make more sense financially

What anyfucker said.

I probably wouldn't marry a SAHD if the DC were somebody else's. Where would the DM be in this scenario? If the SAHD only had the DCs part-time, surely he could work the rest of the time..?

If my DH wanted to be a SAHD I'd be fine with that, as long as it made sense financially.

DH will be a SAHD from tomorrow!!!
Really pleased to be swapping roles and excited on his behalf.

Of course I would. What a bizarre question. I know several SAHDs, and two of my closest friends are married to SAHDs, and it works well for everyone involved. My work is consumingly important to me, and I would never, under any circumstances, give it up.

I don't like the 'breadwinner' / 'stay-at-home' dichotomy, it's not for me or my family. Neither of us would like to give up our jobs. But also, sharing childcare responsibilities prevents us both from working long hours or letting work take over. It gives us both a good balance in our lives/family.

Currently dh works ft and i work 0.8 although I was supposed to be 0.6 and would be happy back there again if I can.
I'd be happy for dh to work p/t too and we could probably get by on less (say if he went to 0.8 too) but his industry is chauvinistic and it wouldn't go down well.

Why do sahd rock? No one says that about sahm. If my dh was a sahp then I would certainly expect him to be doing some housework and wouldn't view it as great if he was giving all his time to the kids and not lifting a finger to do anything else. Part of caring for dc involves doing their laundry and ensuring their home is clean and there's food in the fridge.

I wouldn't mind dh being a sahp if I was the higher earner. If, as a couple, you like the idea of gaving a sahp it makes sense for the higher earner to stay at work, regardless of whether that's mum or dad.

I agree with AnyFucker too. And I think the survey sounds incredibly stupid. There is no such thing as 'men should...' And 'women should..' People should do what works for them and fits their circumstances.

My DH would have become a SAHD when I went back to work after having DS2. He had just finished his PhD and hadn't yet found a job, so him looking after DS2 while I worked and he looked for a job was the plan. However, he got a job that started just before I went back to work. I'd have taken longer maternity leave if I'd known in more time, tbh, because we could have afforded the drop to SMP. But that's how life works. It would never have been a long-term plan because DH wants to work (just as I wouldn't become a SAHM because I'm unwilling to make myself financially dependent on anyone if I don't have to).

Note: that's my personal position on my own life; other people make different choices and that's completely fine. That's exactly why a question about whether men or women should work is so bloody silly.

Yes, it's a bit confusing but the Q was : ''Would you marry a man who wanted to stay at home?'' and not one who already had kids.

I'm surprised by the replies ITT since, like the article says, studies and surveys in the UK and pretty much anywhere else (not to mention a quick google on MN of the word ''breadwinner'') have shown the support for SAHD's to be close to zero. Yet here not a single reply supporting ''traditional roles''. What's causing this rift?

No, like Natalie I would be worried about a relationship breakdown and having to leave the children with their dad.

No I wouldn't but likewise I wouldn't expect not to work either. Part time work I wouldn't mind as long as we both did it and it covered the bills. I hate the men work and women don't though as it sends the wrong message to children and sounds like we have gone back to the 1950s.

I would/have married someone who wants to be my "partner" and as a couple, we would/have decided what works best for our family based on a combination of financial and emotional factors. Neither of us are wedded to an ideology as to the roles which "should" be performed by women or men to make a family work.

Incidentally, I earn a fair amount more than my husband but at present he works significantly longer hours and has more work stress. We both co-parent (DH does bath and stories almost every night and is very hands on when he is at home) and we both work outside the home and we both want to keep doing that. I certainly don't resent my husband for earning less and I certainly wouldn't want to be a SAHM but that is just what works for us. If one day DH turned around and said, I'd love to be at home more or work PT, provided we could make it work financially I'd certainly be up for it if it made him happier.

I think the issues can arise when people are making choices from a "should" place or simply out of financial necessity place and those would not be the choices they would make if they had a free hand (i.e. mother might want to be at home but earns more so make more sense for dad to be at home after child care costs or vice versa). Unfortunately - it is hard to see any solution for that other than free universal (and good!) child care which would mean that each parent could freely choose whether to SAH or work outside the home.

If someone asked me that particular question, I'd say no.

Because I have no interest in having another adult choose to become financially dependent on me for a protracted period of time. In our situation any period of SAHDing would have been temporary while DH found a job. Similarly, if DH were unable to work because of ill health, I'd be totally supportive. But I wouldn't choose a relationship with someone who planned to stay at home while I went out to work.

If we earned enough and it was feasible to do so, I'd be open to a both going PT option (which would be silly in our line of work, as we'd just end up doing the same amount of work for less money and sacrificing promotion possibilities at the same time). But I absolutely would resent having to work while my partner got to stay at home.

None of this is affected by my partner being a DH. I'd feel exactly the same if I were in a same-sex relationship. I also don't care either way whether other people choose to have a father or a mother stay at home (or neither) because it's none of my business.

I agree with AnyFucker too. And I think the survey sounds incredibly stupid. There is no such thing as 'men should...' And 'women should..' People should do what works for them and fits their circumstances.

Yes Calamitously, what weird phraseology/ survey methodology.

We did it. Wasn't the plan but dh got made redundant. I was very resentful as I'd wanted to work pt or be a sahd - we talked and planned this out even before we married. BUT we knew it wasn't long term. If we could both earn enough working pt we would

No because I wanted to be at home with my children, DP agreed. Now that our children are here though, if DP lost his job, became ill etc I would switch roles if necessary and do whatever it takes to support our family but we wouldn't do it out of choice.

MN is nowhere representative of the majority of the population on this subject.

That study is reflecting what has been said before. Men and women are put into pigeon hole that tell you what you are suppose to do.
That's pretty standard tbh.

What I'm finding sad is that very few people on MN seem to realise how much society influence the way they see things.
So you will find threads like this one where peole are saying 'Yes of course, men can be SAHP!' and then so many more threads about how a mum is a bad parent if she comes back home late most nights (like her DH used to). Or how she is struggling to cope (because there is such a strong disonnance between what she though 'should' happen and how she feels about it, usually due to society pressure).

I would also argue that people on here who have said YES are either saying YES in principle but haven't done it. Or have just started or are about to start that sort of arrangement.
From what I've seen around, that sort of arrangement lasts for a short time (a couple of years if that) before the dad then start working part time at the first opportunity or goes back full time. On the other side, mothers tend to stay in that role for much longer and be relunctant to go back to work.

As for the no answer supporting the 'traditional role split' si because in their mind, most women do want to be independent and as able as their DH re earning money etc... they want equality in the effort put into the HW/children etc....
That's in theory and in their mind though.
In reality, as soon as you talk practicalities and what happens, we are still in that sort of organisation.
Accepting the dissonance between what you would like to see in the best world and the reality is hard.

I doubt many women would date and subsequently go on to marry a man who was already a stay at home dad. Which is sad as most would expect men to date and marry stay at home mums.

TheLastMan MN is often not representative of the majority of the population regardless of the subject .

However the question was how many women would love working FT while the husband stays at home or maybe does a little freelance on the side for a few quid a week?

Ultimately people can only speak for themselves. I think you are right that there is a lot of societal pressure about the roles that men and women "should" perform particularly around the balance of caring for children and working. But we have come a long way since the 1950s and with shared parental leave, I suspect that the societal landscape will change an awful lot in the next 50 years.