Child Being Yelled At - WWYD

[MamainMilan]

We were at a tiny funfair in a park, pretty busy. As we were waiting for DC to get on ride, a man next to me suddenly started yelling at his son who was around 6 or 7, and not doing anything wrong as far as I could tell, just waiting in line.

Anyway, dad suddenly shouted loudly, 'fucking get here now, or I'll knock your fucking teeth down your fucking throat.' Little boy does as he's told, looking resigned and scared.

At that point, DC were being ushered onto ride and I had to go through gate to stand on the other side of the barrier and sit with them through the ride. I spent the ride time trying to decide what to do (DH was elsewhere with another DC).

When ride was finished, I looked around for the family, but couldn't see them. I think I wanted the chance to just say quietly to the boy that he could call the NSPCC or Childline or something if his dad shouted at him too much, but no idea how I could have done that.

I'm still upset by the thought that I did nothing, I had to follow DC into ride area (they had gone ahead of me). I'm still turning it over in my mind, what should I do this situation? The boy hadn't been hit, but he was being threatened in an aggressive way. The other people around visibly looked away, no one challenged the dad. But then essentially, he'd just shouted at his son. He might well have said 'I was only joking' if anyone pulled him up on it.

I know parents shout, but this was a threat of violence, and it aimed at a very little boy. Is it any different to 'stop it or i'll smack you? (not something I'd say myself, but it happens)' but cranked up several notches?

Is it right to intervene or just accept that it's a shit way of parenting, but not breaking any laws?

AIBU to feel as though I missed the chance to help the little boy? If I hadn't had to run after DC, I'm still not sure what I would have done, but I would have done something. Should I have called the police, even if just to scare the dad and curb him being such a bully? But by the time I could, the family seemed to have left.

What would you have done?

I need to add, Joffrey! Darling grandson! You are here!

thanks, friendof.

I cant say more here but I do think the Mum is giving the child a very very hard time from what I can see. I would like to speak to her but I suspect it would make it worse.

It's so hard. I cried on the phone to NSPCC when I described what I was witnessing as I was upset that I had let it go on so long without acting. The boy seems happier these days if still wild and his family have no idea that I reported anything.

iHAVE, you really must report this. I find the stories here very saddening, and the lack of intervention even more so. Understandable maybe, but saddening nonetheless.

When my brother was little, a stranger witnessed my father shouting at him in a similar fashion. He said to my father: "Please stop shouting at your son like that. It's abusive."

Didn't make a jot of difference to my dad, or how things were. But years later, when my brother told me about it, I felt validated. It wasn't all in my head, I wasn't just exaggerating, someone had noticed.

I don't think you can step in and actually make a difference, but what you can do is let the child know that, no, actually, this isn't normal. That said, when I've been in the situation I have just frozen and not been able to say anything.

As to how anonymously you can report, ring NSPCC from a phonebox and decline to give your name or any personal information.

iHAVE, speaking from experience the NSPCC allow complete anonymity. They will ask for details of specific instances you've witnessed, so the more detail you can give the better. They ask for details about the child and parent(s) - in my case all I knew were the first names and address but they also asked whether I knew what school they went to, who their GP might be, what the mother is called etc. They then said they'd pass everything on to social services.

The only downside to doing it anonymously is that there's no follow up. If you give your details then social services can always get in touch if they want more info. But in my case there was no way I was providing my details (although if the mother thought about it I'm sure she'd work out who had made the report).

One reassuring thing I did find though is that you do get a reference number, so if anything carries on you can call back. I still have mine saved in my phone just in case.

tywin Grandad! I didn't see you there! (Hides crossbow behind back).

Back on topic - last week I heard next door shout at one of the kids he was going to 'belt' him (he is a first time dad to two toddlers, in his 50s and from all the 'get offa my lawn' and Daily Mail rubbish we hear him spout, think he probably is a throwback to an earlier generation, when it comes to parenting. Scared me though and I'm an adult with a fence and brick walls between me and the man. I do wonder if it even bothers those kids, as all they hear most of the day is abuse? It is their normality and authority when it has intervened, has wandered off again, satisfied with the parents' answers, I guess?

Only the next day my kids heard the mother threatening to 'slap' one of the kids. This in broad daylight, at the top of their voices, out in the garden when they know neighbours have already called in the authorities twice, now. As I said upthread, if abusive parents are that public and uninhibited about it, it makes you think maybe they don't give a toss whether the authorities are called or not? Especially as, when they are, nothing happens anyway.

I was made to feel like a busybody, who maybe just has a 'different parenting style' - but two grown adults threatening to 'knock out', 'slap' or 'belt' toddlers - is that really just a nuance of parenting style?

The NSPCC were told my kids recorded some of the abuse on their iPad (my 12 year old was in the garden using his iPad when one of the worst incidents happened - so he hit video record). So it's not like there's no proof.

I think in my neighbours' case as the man is an old fart, (I'm the same age as him BTW) they are just putting it down to 'parenting style'. But my parents were born in the 1920s and never hit me, or threatened to. So there is no excuse, really.

I think I'd have probably not intervened, though, unless with one of my 6 foot 3 sons.

I would have said something, but I am hot headed and sometimes irrational when it comes to things like this. I can't stand bullies and I know how damaging child abuse can be. Some people just shouldn't be allowed anywhere near kids at all.

Thank you for the info on the NSPCC -
I am going to report my concerns about the local child.

Good on you

I once got spat at in the face for saying something but I am still glad I did who knows what the child thought of me sticking up for him, if it had an impact or not but showing that this is just not acceptable I feel is important (he too was being grabbed screamed at and threatened with a punch in the face)

I have not always spoken out and wished I had but do not go along with well you make it worse that is rubbish if an adult is talking like that to their child it's already a bad situation or we all can loose it at times no threatening a child on such a way is never ever ok because we are stressed

Going along with come on let's not be so harsh may get some response rather than do not do that or telling the parent off

It is really really awful to witness and at times it just does lot feel right to step in but we should never really be afraid too as we might make it worse

Recently I saw a man screaming at his daughter in his car outside of the school next to my ds school (high school) as I parked my car I could hear him it was awful other parents had seen him and he was reported as it had been going on for a while. When I returned to my car the police were talking to him and he had calmed down could this have made it worse for her when she got home who knows but his actions were shown to be unacceptable if that is all you can do that is better than nothing

Ihaveto well done, you're doing the right thing. I hope things get better for that family.

I wish I'd just spoken out, in front of the child. Just briefly, and in the way suggested here. Even if the dad had kicked off at me (likely, I think), it might have given the little boy the spark of hope that people will care, and his dad is wrong to do it. I feel awful that I didn't, but I will next time.

Thanks everyone contributing to this thread.

I have had to shout at a man in a family pub garden. This man was sat with his wife and was speaking very aggressively and loudly at her. He then pointed his finger in her face and dropped the c bomb. I acted before I thought and shouted over to him to watch his language there are children here. He glared at me, mumbled a sarcastic sorry then announced to his wife they were leaving. He walked off to the car park whilst his poor wife rounded up their children and followed after him. He seemed a nasty piece of work.

The last time ( many years ago) that I challenged a mum who was smacking her four year old twins around the head, I got chased down the road with a fist to my face in frnt of my 3 very young children. On subsequent occasions when I have had concerns about the way kids are being treated, I have spoken to the school, they have to take concerns seriously. Obviously you can only do this if you know aht school they are at.

A bit unrelated, but for what it's worth...I remember once as a child seeing a man come into church, yell at his wife and drag her and their children out, in front of a captivated congregation, who did nothing.

Doing nothing just tells the kids that no one cares about them. That their parent is really as powerful as they fear.

say something - we all need pulling up now and then.
Once I was on holiday in Greece and pulling my son's arm and yelling a bit, and a lady pulled me up and to be honest I was grateful to her.

Doing nothing just tells the kids that no one cares about them. That their parent is really as powerful as they fear

It's this thought that will motivate me to speak up immediately next time.

OP I wouldn't dream of criticising you as I imagine you were afraid that they would turn on you. But for those of you who hear stuff through your neighbours' walls, all I can say is that I wish someone had reported to social services when my 'D'M was screaming abuse at us on a daily basis. There's no way the neighbours couldn't hear her.

I reported a woman to DS1's nursery when he was little; we were walking home and just behind us was an awful, awful woman who would scream and shout at her three young children every afternoon. She belted one of them around the head with her handbag and shouted "that'll fucking teach you, little bastard". I waited and when she was beside me said "you do know the whole street can see and hear the way you're speaking to that child?" and she went to slap me across the face. Fortunately I was a bit of a scrapper when I was a kid, so avoided her, pushed her away and shouted "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" and she burst into tears.

Two days later we were walking home and lo, there she was, yawping at her kids and slapping one across the back of the head. So I phoned the nursery. I heard a few years later that SS had ended up removing all three children after several attempts to keep the family together. Some folk are beyond help.

One of the abused kids next door goes to the nursery attached to the primary school my kids went to - all mine are at secondary, now, but if I was still going up to that school, I would definitely tip off the Head about that boy being verbally and emotionally abused, because she has known me years and I know she would believe me. But ringing up, I'm not sure. It seems a bit weird. However, one of the TAs at the nursery is my son's best mate's mum so I might drop it on her and just ask her to keep an eye on that kid. That said, once SS have been involved, the school should be alert to any odd behaviours in the child..?

The problem with reporting is that nothing may happen. It takes multiple reports sometimes. I reported hearing DV through a wall once and the NSPCC said if it was the first report it would probably just stay on file. I have safeguarding training and it all feels so futile sometimes, given how high the thresholds are for anything to actually get done.

PS I didnt call police because I wasn't the one who heard it. Someone else did, they told me, and I reported it as they weren't going to.

We have a woman who looks very young, well probably late twenties but she has four children including an 11yo and then a 7yo, 4yo and just 3yo.

She is on her own, so am I - she walks up the road with them every school morning, screaming at the little boy to MOVE and often he has to push an empty buggy and she is shouting 'FASTER' at him, like really loud so the entire street can hear. He is often in tears (this is the 7yo)

The other day she was shouting at him from quite far in front, he was crying and she was threatening to get on the bus without him. I ran out there to him, he was scared of me but I ran alongside him and shouted at her - don't. Please don't.

She refused to engage with me. I told him she wouldn't really leave him on his own. When we caught up he said 'mum you pushed me' and she said 'no I didn't, you just tripped over your coat'.

I was left standing there.
Later I thought 'what would actually help?' and when I saw her, I went up and said 'sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. You seem like a nice Mum but I felt for him'.
She was all (fake) smiles and seemed determined to make everyone think she is coping fine, it's all the kids' fault - which is ironic as everyone can see she isn't coping at all.

She was like 'I'm not gonna let a 7 year old win'. I was but just tried to reinforce that it is difficult, and I said I gave up shouting at mine as it doesn't work. I figured that she needs support, she needs to feel like there is less pressure on her and other people don't have huge expectations that her kids will be on time or whatever.

I figured all I can do is try and be supportive to her.
I hope something I did or said went in. Poor little lad is clearly the one she blames/hates the most. But she can be nice to them, I've seen it - she's just super tired and in a bad place emotionally.