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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that ex should respond to messages when he has Ds

23 replies

Fairy13 · 12/04/2015 12:52

DH and I split 18 months ago following years of emotional abuse culminating in him assaulting me and me leaving.

Since then I have had to work hard to make sure that contact for DS is as safe as possible (house is very unclean, Dh is prone to very angry outbursts that I don't want DS witnessing etc) I have various strategies in place after working with a domestic violence support worker and Hv to minimise the risk.

He stays with his dad every other weekend now and I check that he has cleaned prior to DS visiting. Please don't get me wrong and think this paints me as unessesarily controlling, this is not just a small amount of mess, I'm talking piles of dirty nappies, old bottles full of going off milk, a whole kitchens worth of washing up etc etc. I now make sure it is at least at a basic standard of hygiene.

DS is not quite two.

Things have got worse between us since I started divorce proceedings, to the extent that he will now not communicate with me at all. Don't get me wrong, this is better than the abuse I was receiving before but it is just ridiculous.

Last time he had him he sent his 10 year old daughter to the door to collect DS while he parked down the road out of sight. Apart from the message that sends the children, who would send their baby off with a child? What if DS ran into the road? Also, there are instructions to pass on with a non verbal child - have they eaten, have they napped etc...

Then I text during the week to check that he would be collecting DS from nursery on Friday (the arrangement changes depending on his shift pattern) - just in case he was expecting me to collect. He didn't respond.

I text last night asking if it is ok for him to bring DS home at 5 tonight, no response.

It means is then have to call MiL who says she does not want to play middle man and pass messages across as it leaves room for error.

I asked if she could put me on to Dh, (they are there for lunch) to confirm arrangements, she passed him over and he hung up!!

What am I supposed to do?! This is my baby, I have enough time trusting him with DS as it is due to his past behaviours but I recognise the importance of contact with his dad and try to make it work.

Or perhaps IABU... I know I am a bit neurotic about him because he was such an awful partner.

There was another example when DS was unwell and I text asking how he was and he just refused to respond.

You just can't parent this way can you?? Or maybe you can and I need to get on with it.

So sorry for the essay. I'm finding this really hard.

OP posts:

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 12:58

Sorry but if he's deemed safe by SS to have him overnight then you need to leave him to it.

petalsandstars · 12/04/2015 13:01

I wouldn't hand a 2year old over to a 10yr old
No way

Original poster

Fairy13 · 12/04/2015 13:02

I'm not asking him to be communicating with me about what he is doing when he is with him, I'm asking him to communicate about basic arrangements for collection/drop off.

SS have not been involved (with DS) they just said I have the responsibility to keep him safe and if I am concerned about his safety it is my responsibility to stop contact or arrange supervised only. I didn't find that helpful as I find it so difficult to see the situation clearly, but luckily the DV support worker and HV were very helpful about strategies.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fairy13 · 12/04/2015 13:03

petal I didnt. I asked her to go and get her dad. But it is just an example of how childish he is and how far he will go to not have any contact whatsoever.

OP posts:

PtolemysNeedle · 12/04/2015 13:06

He should communicate with you about collection and drop off, but those are arrangements that should be made before he has your ds. If you are able to agree a time for collection, then at the same time, agree a time for drop off. That way you won't need to contact your ex at all when he has your ds unless there is an emergency.

Original poster

Fairy13 · 12/04/2015 13:37

I agree. But I don't know how to make that happen. Don't want to get into threatening to not let contact happen unless he responds about collection arrangements... It's like dealing with a child. So frustrating.

OP posts:

lacksdirection · 12/04/2015 13:52

What do you do when he doesn't respond?
Sounds very frustrating!
My xp was like this, but my ds was 11 at the time, and xp refused to communicate with me at all, only ds.
It was a nightmare and one which I'm relieved is now over.

BarbarianMum · 12/04/2015 14:13

Is the contact court ordered? You could always stop it until it is.

Alternatively you could leave it to him to let you know all the arrangement times and not hand ds over unless he does. Obviously this is not going to improve your relationship but as he is clearly a controlling arse who is acting like this to wind you up, maybe it might be good to not engage with his games.

Original poster

Fairy13 · 12/04/2015 14:42

I don't want to stop it because I don't want to get into a situation where we use the children to get to each other. He already does this by stopping me from seeing my step daughter who I brought up for 4 years (mum not on scene)

I'm also a bit worried that if it goes to court they will order more contact and I just can't risk that, it would be so damaging to DS. Perhaps though asserting that unless I know arrangements days in advance it won't happen that week wouldn't hurt... I don't know. I don't want to play games.

OP posts:

Beth2511 · 12/04/2015 14:50

I personally would not let him go and would go for supervised contact.

mamapain · 12/04/2015 14:51

If the mum is not on the scene for your step daughter, who is looking out for her? Are SS involved with them at all, it can't be ok to have the daughter living in squalor when your DS isn't going round.

I'm not accusing you, just wondering how that worked, and if there was a social worker you could communicate through.

I'm not sure if I would be happy for him to have my DC if he couldn't communicate. I'd be concerned he wouldn't contact me in an emergency. I think maybe you should get some legal advice, so you know if its likely court would order more contact, or if under the circumstances they would make the contact on certain conditions? I think until your DS is at an age where he is verbal and fully understands whats being said, I'd be very unhappy.

Original poster

Fairy13 · 12/04/2015 14:58

My MIl is very very involved with her, picks her up from school every day, does all her laundry, gives her dinner and takes her home when ex gets home at 7.

I referred to SS when I left mostly because I was concerned about emotional abuse.
They visited when he had cleaned the house so did not see issue with it. Now the school monitor her for signs of poor hygiene etc.

The pain I feel with her being in that situation is a whole other thread!

Maybe I will see my solicitor.

OP posts:

inthename · 12/04/2015 15:00

in all honesty I would just not engage
I would imagine he knows his shift pattern in advance?
Email him the arrangements a month at a time and then leave it at that. Hes playing mind games and you need to step away or he will have you in bits. Its basically because he now knows that the only way he can get at you is by being a problem for your ds, so you need to minimise your reactions and pick your battles. I've been doing similar for 11 years and it does get easier once dc are just a little bit older.

mamapain · 12/04/2015 15:03

I think you should see the solicitor. Get answers to the things you're worried about, then that can't be held over you. At least you can make an informed decision that way.

What a bizarre man though?! Why on earth doesn't he clean up after himself or behave like a sane person. I find this sort of thing really strange as a bit of neat freak!

Original poster

Fairy13 · 12/04/2015 15:08

I'm not sure he is a sane person mama

OP posts:

UrbanSunday · 12/04/2015 16:51

Have you tried a communication book? He sounds like a nightmare so may not be suitable but you could just have a notebook packed in your little ones bag where you could pass written notes to each other re routine / hand overs etc?

MissMuesli · 12/04/2015 17:20

I would consider going to mediation (as you have to do this before going to court- although I think this might be different if abuse was involved in your relationship) and I would consider going through a contact centre. As for the pick up and drop off times- it always helped me to keep things the same regardless of when ex was finished work. So say 3 pm pick up every Friday, 6pm drop of Sunday. No variation.

If ex picks up from nursery is it the same time each week? If things are this difficult already I would consider stopping contact until a court order is in place. Things can get nasty so quickly. I also think with the domestic violence you would qualify for legal aid. Good luck OP. It can be difficult working this exes!

Boutonneux · 12/04/2015 18:29

How frustrating that must be for you, that would drive me crackers (which is probably exactly why he is doing it). I'd be half tempted to tell him that he if can't at least try to act like an adult where your son is concerned then you're going to have to go down the official (solicitors, court orders etc) route to arrange contact in future. Sounds like you've had the patience of a saint so far... I suspect in your shoes I'd have told him to do one by now. It's pathetic.

Oh, and I'd be dropping the 'H' from DH from now on...

DisappointedOne · 12/04/2015 20:28

My BIL had hell with his ex during his contact time with their son. She would bombard him with calls, texts, emails, whatsapp, facebook messages, then when he didn't answer she rang around the family and then the hospitals. She used it as a reason to stop contact. He took her to court and the judge told her to sort herself out, and that she has no right or reason to contact BIL during his time with their child.

wannabestressfree · 12/04/2015 22:14

^ that's not the same thing though is it? Personally I would just wait for him to contact you and make no steps yourself. Let him organise things. Then he will have to talk to you.

scarletforya · 12/04/2015 22:20

He assaulted you and is prone to angry outbursts, I don't understand why he is allowed have access?

Also the nursery, what kind of a cowboy operation is it giving a 2 year old to a 10 year old child. Policy is usually the collector had to be at least 18!? I would be furious.

Original poster

Fairy13 · 13/04/2015 08:07

She didn't collect from nursery, he sent her to my house to collect. Obviously I didn't hand him over.

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 13/04/2015 08:14

Oh fairy, how awful. Ignore the more dismissive comments here, I really feel for you.

I think I would be inclined not to hand him over at all. The best advice I can give is to write everything down and see a solicitor with it. I also won't let DH see the children without me being present but luckily he has agreed to this.

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