Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be really hurt that my best friend didn't remember that it was my 40th?

45 replies

RooTwo · 12/04/2015 07:47

It was my 40th yesterday and I had the most lovely day, but it was tainted by my oldest, best friend not remembering. I only got a text from her at 9.30pm, and that was it - halfway through the text saying, shit, oh it's your 40th isn't it? I'm sorry, I would have rung if I'd remembered, sort of thing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel really hurt and sad about this? We've known each other since we were 3.

OP posts:

JanineStHubbins · 12/04/2015 09:06

YABU

She didn't even forget - she remembered and texted you, for goodness sake. Cut her some slack, she's 7 months pregnant. It would be very unkind and selfish to make a big deal about this by 'telling her how you feel'.

Bowlersarm · 12/04/2015 09:06

Well how does it benefit anyone?

You'll just make her feel crap. There's nothing she can do about it now. She forgot. Well until the evening.

Yes you can be 'honest' with her. It might give you satisfaction to hurt her as she did you.

But be honest with yourself that is all you would be doing.

Panzee · 12/04/2015 09:08

My friend forgot his twin sister's birthday once. Despite remembering his own. :o

Kampeki · 12/04/2015 09:08

You're an adult, birthdays aren't that big a deal.

And anyway, she remembered eventually.

You are massively overreacting.

Oh, and my oldest friend forgot my 40th too. The world kept on turning.

gamerchick · 12/04/2015 09:10

Forgetting your twin siblings would take some beating have to say

PlasticCircus · 12/04/2015 09:11

Yes, i think YABU. I don't understand why you are again she forgot- she didn't! She texted you and said happy birthday- isn't that remembering?

It certainly wouldn't bother me anyway. I think it's actually quite nice to get a text later in the day- it keeps the 'happy birthdays' going for longer! People have busy lives- she still remembered you.

liveloveluggage · 12/04/2015 09:11

If she is your oldest and best friend in would take this as a message that you have let your friendship slide. You obviously haven't had very regular contact or you would have talked about it and you haven't included her in the birthday celebrations. So perhaps you need to work on improving your level of contact if you want to maintain the close friendship.

Salmotrutta · 12/04/2015 09:19

Wouldn't bother me at all and I also think it would be wrong to tell her how hurt you are.

Maybe she has lots going on at the moment - what with being 7 months pregnant...

Perhaps she is focussing on that rather than birthdays of grown up people.

AliceLidl · 12/04/2015 09:21

Sometimes you just have to let things go though.

Would it really help to talk about how you feel?

It wasn't her greatest friendship moment, but at seven months pregnant she probably has a lot on her mind, from her health to her finances to how near to the end of the pregnancy she is and all the things she still has to do to get ready for that.

Those last couple of months can be really hard. I remember that by seven months I had no clothes that fit, no shoes that fit (I mean, shoes! I was too fat for my shoes!), everything I ate made me sick or gave me acid indigestion, I had mood swings so extreme that DH says I gave up speaking and just took to growling at everybody, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sit down without bits hurting or stand up without different bits hurting, I was starting to feel very scared about how this giant baby was going to make it's way out of me, I could hardly walk, I was enormous, so big that a woman expecting twins wanted to know if I was having triplets, and a million and one other things were on my mind. If your friend has half of that going on, she's not going to have anybody's birthday but her baby's on her mind right now.

She remembered during a text conversation and sounded genuinely bothered that she had forgotten until that point. She may well send you a belated card or gift on Monday when the shops and post office are open. It's possible she had something ready to send but forgot to post it last week.

But please try to focus on the positives of your day. You've said that it was a lovely day, you've said other friends and family made the effort. If you are feeling sorry for yourself over the one person who forget rather than feeling lucky to have several people who did remember, you're going to hurt their feelings as well.

RusticBlush · 12/04/2015 09:28

Give the Op a break - yes we're adults but your 40th is a big thing and its nice to feel special on your birthday by your nearest and dearest - including your best friend.
Had it not cropped into conversation lately Op if you're so close ?

123Jump · 12/04/2015 09:34

I have managed to convince my best friend that I am 39 next week, not 40.
If she knew it was next week I know she would try to organise a party and gifts. She has so much on her plate at the minute I don't know how she copes, plus she will be away for work that day. Better she doesn't know, only my immediate family know actually, and they all live in another country/miles away.
So only DH and DC will know. It'll be a quiet one!
Don't fall out over this OP, it really isn't that big a deal...

puddingisgood · 12/04/2015 09:54

I'm with you OP. I'm not childish or precious but I would feel upset that a close friend didn't remember that this was a significant day for me. Birthday

gonetrekking · 12/04/2015 09:58

I would be upset too. It's not helpful when people say that hey they even forgot their own birthdays, they're obviously not bothered by birthdays but plenty of people are.

Original poster

RooTwo · 12/04/2015 10:05

Well I really appreciate everyone's replies as it's made me see it's not necessarily that clear cut and it's meant that I haven't rushed off and done anything rash ... I honestly don't consider myself to be a precious person, I just have certain expectations of friendships, and of that one in particular, and I think she'd expect the same of me. I do feel genuinely hurt, and I need to go off now and figure out why that is. So thanks again everyone, and over and out from this OP

OP posts:

UptheChimney · 12/04/2015 10:08

I just feel that I need to mention it to her, that I've felt hurt by it, not because I'm feeling so terribly sorry for myself or that I want to create problems, but because we're always very honest with each other about things and I think she'd probably appreciate knowing how I feel, actually

Ummm, if it were me, I'd really try not to. She's 7 months pregnant, she might have other things on her mind. If it were me, I"d feel you were exercising a rather difficult form of emotional blackmail.

YANBU to feel sad, but you might BU to tell your friend.

Instead, why not try to work out why&you feel so sad? That's your feeling, not hers. You're responsible for your feelings, not her. It might be useful to work out why you feel so sad -- because (to me) it reads as a slight over-reaction?

I don't disagree with celebrating birthdays. I always celebrate mine. But that's my celebration of my own existence; I don't really expect anyone else to take any notice, although it's lovely when people do.

Bowlersarm · 12/04/2015 10:16

Thanks for coming back, OP, and I know you thought I was being harsh but I'm pleased it's made you see another point of view.

Also, you friend probably realises that she's messed up; if you are that close she probably knows how much she's upset you (totally unintentionally) and is feeling terrible about it. She is probably desperately trying to work out how to make amends

StillLostAtTheStation · 12/04/2015 10:16

I always make a fuss about my birthday and have a party with 6 close friends every year and made a huge fuss of 30,40 and 50.

However I think you are making a huge overreaction. She's not in the same country, presumably wasn't invited to any celebration on the day and did remember on the day when she texted you. She's 7 months pregnant too. You might not be her first priority.

Go ahead and tell her if you want but don't be surprised if she takes it badly.

ssd · 12/04/2015 10:23

I can understand how you feel op

my oldest friend sent me a card for my 40th 3 days late, she phoned on the day and said oh I got you a card but didnt post it, its lying about here somewhere...

I was hurt. Then when it was her 40th she expected me to go to her party mile away, I had no babysitter and dh couldnt swap shifts. I remembered the effort she put into my birthday and didnt go.

we are still friends and if she ever asks why I didnt go I'll tell her.

Bettercallsaul1 · 12/04/2015 11:36

I think birthdays mean different amounts to different people. They obviously mean a lot to you and you are hurt that such a close friend didn't seem to realise how affected you would be not to have it acknowledged. I'm sure no harm was intended, though: you will feel better after a little time has passed to give it perspective. It may be that you won't feel that you need to speak to her after all.

Bettercallsaul1 · 12/04/2015 11:41

Lots of things that really hurt at the time can seem much less important in just a few weeks. Your friend may well offer some more explanation/apology without you saying anything: especially if she has an inkling that you are hurt.

Flip

1 2