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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to visit this friend?

15 replies

LondonLady29 · 11/04/2015 23:42

I'll try to keep this long story a reasonable length! A friend of mine I have known for over ten years is moving out of the local area tomorrow evening for about three months. She's been a very good friend although we've had our issues and she can be very demanding and self absorbed at times. I'm aware that we used to see more of each other before I got into a serious relationship and feel a bit guilty about that, but this friend had on two occasions fallen out with me over silly things. Once taking me to a restaurant to ask me to choose between her and another friend of mine (who she had never met, she was just threatened by the friendship) and cried when I said no. Another time she told me she had "something really important to tell me" and told me the reason I had problems in my life was that I wore too much make up(!) both of these events made me want to distance myself from her but then at times she is a good friend and when I was ill always offered to visit and help so I really appreciated that. She has a habit of being a bit cheeky when it comes to meeting up. On her last birthday she asked me to go to three different shops before the gathering at her house to get three different specific brands of food. I thought this was cheeky but from knowing her well I know she doesn't think anything of it really. Well tomorrow evening she is moving to the other end of the country for a three month job and only flagged this with me yesterday although if I'd been paying more attention to her Facebook I would have been aware. She has asked if I can go to her flat to see her before she goes just for a catch up. She says she can't leave the flat as she has too much to do. The thing is I have loads to do tomorrow too and have to travel an hour to get to a flat I have to restore to its initial state to get a deposit back and it had to be done before 7pm. The flat will need loads of cleaning and tidying so I had earmarked the full day and to be honest as it will take time to get there I think it will need it. Her flat is 40 minutes in the opposite direction.

AIBU to not visit to say "goodbye"? And if I don't go what do I say?

She recently invited me to an event I didn't go to because she initially asked me if I was interested, I said yes then found out the ticket was £50 so said it was too expensive. I just feel I'm letting her down lately but this has been sprung on me last minute. WWYD?

If you got this far, thank you.

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 11/04/2015 23:48

Don't visit "to say goodbye", what is that about anyway? She's going for three months, not forever!

The reason is that you already have plans for tmrw, which can't be put off. If she'd given you more notice, you could have found a time that was convenient for both of you. As it is, it's not possible unfortunately.

I say this in the nicest possible way: it does sound, reading between the lines, as if you feel you always need to dance to her tune. You don't. Do you feel like this with other people, or is it just her?

Original poster
LondonLady29 · 11/04/2015 23:55

Thanks for the response Puntastic. Its interesting that you say that about dancing to her tune, I do do that especially with her because she's been through some tough times in the past and I feel guilty that I haven't seen her enough over the past year or so. But she's busy too. My parents and boyf have brought it up to me a few times that I allow myself to be a bit of a doormat where friends are concerned. I do tend to do stuff which doesn't really suit me to "keep the peace". Don't know why!

OP posts:
irishamy89 · 11/04/2015 23:58

YANBU, stick to your initial plan and see her when she returns.

Walkacrossthesand · 12/04/2015 00:03

If it was really important to her that you get together 'one last time' before she leaves, she could have sent you a personal message to say so - not rely on you keeping up with her FB status. She didn't, so it's not that important, so get on with your pressing business and wish her well by phone.

brusselsproutwarning · 12/04/2015 00:06

Yanbu if she a good friend she will understand,

It is only for 3 months, if shes so interested in being your friend she would have told you personally not through fb about the move.

Tutteredboast · 12/04/2015 00:10

She sounds like a bit of user.
Are you sure she doesn't just need some help with packing?

AlternativeTentacles · 12/04/2015 07:59

I have had tough times but don't expect everyone to leap to my every command. You might find you get a better quality friend if you aren't so doormatty with them.
I'll pass you over a helping hand though with the phrase:
'I'd love to but can't today, have fun and see you when you get back'.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 08:02

Tell her you've got a lot on and you'll see her in 3 months.

musicalendorphins2 · 12/04/2015 08:19

You have a perfectly reasonable reason that you are unable to go to her place. Yadnbu.

Original poster
LondonLady29 · 12/04/2015 08:34

Thanks everyone, I feel much better I'll call her and use that phrase Tentacles Smile

OP posts:
Psipsina · 12/04/2015 08:55

She does sound like she has high expectations of you and will be offended if you don't do it - like it means she isn't your priority. Be prepared for a backlash.

It would be very reasonable for you to say 'Oh I wish I had known sooner because I have to go and clear up our old house tomorrow and if I don't, I won't get our deposit back. Was there something specific you wanted to talk about - I could give you a call?'

Most people would feel Ok with this as it isn't a rejection as such but it sounds like she would take it as one, also that you are aware of this on some level so you're too afraid to say it like you would to anyone else.

This is a situation where you should always act like you would to anyone 'normal' and let her deal with how she responds. It's called setting boundaries. People like this are useful in teaching us what our own boundaries are.

straighttothepoint · 12/04/2015 08:59

Don't go, you will only be tired and rushed and probably regret seeing her later as she sounds so full of herself.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/04/2015 09:42

Yanbu at all, tell her you have a lot on, and distance yourself from her, she sounds like hard work, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

Original poster
LondonLady29 · 12/04/2015 18:28

Hi all thanks for your responses! So here is the update, this morning I called and there was no response. I then sent a message saying I wouldn't have time to go to the flat and asked how everything was in terms of her packing. I got a short and sulky response of: "No packing progress." Which I thought was a bit daft because she has to get it done and surely between yesterday afternoon and this morning (having holed herself up and refusing to leave her flat so she can pack) she would have put something in a box? Anyway deciding to leave her to it and not feel guilty about it!

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 12/04/2015 18:45

She's a knob, hopefully she goes for longer than 3 months!!

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