To think DO is just using the kids to get me to do housework?

[LayMeDown]

Dh is tidier than me. I am a lot lot tidier than I used to be but still not as obsessed with it as him. It's fine I've got more conscious of it and he's learnt to bite his tongue for little niggles.
Now however he's developed a new tactic where he points out issues and says 'I don't think you should do it the kids should'. This is all well and good but the kids are 8, 6 and 3. While the older two are good at tidying their rooms and doing little jobs when asked getting them to do things like hoovering or washing the car requires a lot more input. I might as well do it myself. He always suggests me getting them to do it when he's not around. So not taking them under his wing himself of a sat and putting the time in.
So AIBU to reckon he's trying to get me to up my game with cleaning/tidying but using the kids as a shield as he wouldn't dare tell me I should do it. And AIBU to also worry that, once taught, he may start using the kids to maintain his unreasonable standards which isn't fair. Although he does always suggest paying them for it.

Why isn't it fair if he pays them?

Here's an idea "no DH, if its that important to you, then YOU do it"

Aghh DH not DO

I wouldn't take it and just say that you were busy. He can organise cleaning with them on the weekend if he is so bothered. He is obviously does not spend enough time with them all by himself, if he thinks this is a viable option.

oh my ex used to do this. Volunteer ME to make other people do the things he wanted!!

Just say, "that's a good idea, lets get the kids to do it" and leave it at that.

Yes I suppose if he pays then it's not a problem. I just worry as his standards are so high. We've reached our detente because I was able to laugh and tell him to fuck off and do it himself if it bothered him that much. Kids can't do that. Still I can keep an eye on that.

And if he says to you "i thought the kids were gonna do that" you can just say "yeah, I thought they were too, what happened there?"

Just throw it back at him.

Good lord - I don't pay my kids to do housework... they just have to do it :/

But yes, get him to get the kids to do it

I'm all for children helping with housework, but I don't think they should be paid for it. Equally, I think 8,6 and 3 is far too young to be expected to do hoovering and washing the car; helping yes, but unsupervised, no. Definitely advise your spouse to demonstrate and supervise at the weekend; if he has very high standards he must implement them himself.

Does he do any housework?

I generally agree that children should help out at home without being paid and mine do with, imo age appropriate tasks like loading/ emptying dishwasher, setting table, tidying.
However I absolutely fell it would be unfair to have them do tasks to DH s unreasonable standards without payment regardless of their age. I won't do it so not right to expect them to do it.

Yes he does housework. Probably as much as me. We have a cleaner so neither of us do much 'heavy' work like hoovering/ washing floors/ cleaning bathrooms. Me because I don't think it's needed, he because he's not around as much so less time. If he was I'm sure he'd do more.

So he wants an immaculate house, doesnt want to do any work himself and since you told him to stroll on he is trying to get the kids to do it?

Say no to that too. If he wants it done he can do it, otherwise it doesnt get done!

"I think the kids shoul hoover and dust today"

"Good idea, crack on DP, you can show them what needs done, i'm off to see linda"

OP his ideas are not your obligations. Him wanting the DCs to clean requires him and the DC to have a discussion. You dont need to be involved. If he leaves them to do it while you are in charge dont intervene if they are doing it crap. Let him deal with it when he comes back.

Deflect it back on him 'yes I guess you could organise that on Saturday

I do think kids should do daily jobs. Your older two would be fine daily unstacking the dishwasher and laying the table

In our house, DH washes the car and DD has been his "little helper" on that job whenever she is around since she was barely toddling. I have such cute pictures of her and DH both with their wet, sudsy sponges and she's tiny and soaked and beaming!! She still ADORES that job, and gives out if DH does it while she's not around (she's 9).

She has also wanted to hoover, and occasionally sweep or mop, for the past 3-4 years. Not nearly as often as I have to do it, but she will attempt it for me.

But I help her with them and then redo later to my own standards, not expecting her to get it right yet. It's more about teaching her the basics so that she will be able to cope on her own in time, and help out properly in the not too distant future (in return for the multiple mum's taxi trips she needs to get to her activities). She has recently been made responsible for setting the table and will usually help out with emptying dishwasher, stacking it, doing some washing up, hanging laundry on line/clotheshorse, balling up socks (with DH folding most laundry while they are both watching movies) etc. And she has started wanting to help make up clean beds too - again with lots of help.

You have a cleaner as well? And neither you or him do much of hoovering but he's saying the kids should do it?

Yes not sure what the face is for. DH has higher standards than me. I don't think it's necessary to hoover between cleans. He disagrees but isn't here to do it during the week really. He's obviously not going to insist I do it since I'm not his skivvy. So he's suggesting the kids do it for extra pocket money. Which to my mind is just a way of trying to get me to do it.

My DH is the same.

Wants a showhome but isn't prepared to even put his rubbish in the bin, let alone actually do anything to achieve said showhome.

He will often instruct the kids to do a task which is clearly too grown up for them, and then I am expected to help them. He'll give them a message to tell me. Things like 'Dad says I've got to wipe the patio doors over but you need to do the bits I can't reach'

Might be over-reacting or projecting here but I would keep an eye on this.

Growing up my best friend's dad was incredibly rigid about housework, and I remember many a saturday morning going to call on her and her not being able to come out because she was doing hours of chores to his exact specifications. I grew up with a single mum and did a fair few chores myself, I'm very pro kids doing household stuff, but when it's basically indulging someone else's over-high standards I think it can be quite damaging, and it's not really fair. Also 8, 6 and 3 is surely 'basic chores and helping' stage rather than 'actual housework' stage?

I just remember so clearly being there thinking 'but this house is clean!' and her dad shouting about all the things she had to do, the state her bedroom was in (it really wasn't) etc etc. In hindsight it was actually borderline abusive, and quite sad.

Can I also suggest that if he wants to pay the children to do it then he needs to arrange & supervise it, and it needs to be optional for them. He can offer the money but it t need o e up to them if they want it - they're not his skivvys either.

*needs to be!