To now be worried about DM/MIL childcare?

[BananaDrama34]

I am currently on mat leave but due to go go back to work in a few months.
Original plan was for PFB to go to nursery full time, however both DM & MIL have offered to have DD one day a week and myself and DH are very grateful for this.

Neither DM/MIL will accept money for this so my idea was to pay for petrol (as they will be coming to us) and leave money for if they want to do something - ice cream at the park etc.

Another idea was to meet near my work at the end of the day to do a drop off/pick up with DD as this will shorten both of their journeys home.

I saw no problems with this arrangement (maybe looked at it through rose tinted glasses) but after reading another thread about family providing childcare, I'm worried I've been naive.

AIBU to now think this arrangement needs a little more planning to ensure it runs smoothly? If so, can anyone give me advice on things I should do to ensure this happens as I'm now starting to panic?

Another one her saying be careful and have a back up plan.

DM has been a star, very reliable, my rules etc (tea tends to be fish fingers and beans, probably a bit too much TV / X Box but I cannot get worked up about this). She even had holidays in school holidays (must have cost a fortune). I paid her for a few years, now we live closer she won't take it. I treat her regularly now (including holidays). She has, over the years, saved me a small fortune and I will always be grateful.

Mil had the best intentions but I would come home at noon and kids still in pjs, teeth not done, hyper on sweets and I would have to get DC1 to nursery (dressed, teeth etc) in 5 mins. She would also tell me the day before that she couldn't come....why can't I book a holiday....er...I'm a teacher! (Although I'm sure most would find this tricky at such short notice.) She told me she didn't believe me! Husband had to use up so much leave to cover. Of course, she has the right to cancel but the short notice made it very tricky. I paid her too of course, again including taking her on holiday (although SiL pulled me up once saying I didn't pay...put her straight but wondered why she had that impression). I reduced my hours in the end. She is fantastic for emergency babysitting and I'm sure she didn't mean any harm but it is just not her way to stick to plans and she feels that there are too many rules in our house so just ignores them. This is fine now and again (kids up until gone midnight last time) but not regularly.

Have a good think about your DM and MiL - are they likely to be reliable. How strong is your relationship with them?

I'm sorry that was so long.

This can work really well if your relationship is honest and good. My dad looks after my son one day a week. When he offered we talked about it over a glass of wine and agreed to have reviews every three months to make sure it wasn't getting too much.
I said all I expected was that he was fed good food (which DF does automatically anyway) and that they went outside (park, garden, etc) once per day so DS runs off his energy. DF and DS have such a great time and a really good relationship.
It is sometimes frustrating when DF forgets to tell me about a day he can't do (like next week as he has a root canal the day before!) but my work is understanding and our childminder quite flexible. But that frustration is well worth it.

It all depends on your family and your relationship with them.

My parents used to take DD two days per week. We cut it yo one when she hot older and more active. DMIL originally planned one day but felt she would find it too tiring week in, week out on top of other commitments- which is absolutely fine.

Dmil takes Dd when my parents are ill or on holiday. Both sides take occasional overnights too.

This all works really well, and DD has a lovely close relationship with all her grandparents. None will accept money so we buy occasional treats and bigger Christmas presents!

I would say the most important thing is openness, and, if your parents are older being aware of their fatigue levels.

It worked out brilliantly for us. My pils had my dd1 from 4 months old two mornings a week. They had her in their own home which they preferred, tbh I didn't worry about what they fed her, they had a great routine with her, they loved having her and she adored being with them. The arrangement went on for 2 years, until I had dd2, they then had dd2 for a few hours once a week. They wouldn't take any money, so occasionally I'd buy flowers, stuff for the garden, food from Marksies , things my mil coveted. I gave them money when they went on holidays for a night out.

Obviously I had to have back up plans incase they were ill, on holiday etc but you have to have that for all childcare.

Oh and I never asked them for additional babysitting at nights, weekends.

I don't think one day per week is unreasonable if you get on well and they will respect your parenting decisions.
I really enjoy looking after my grandchildren and would never let my daughter down on the last minute even if I was ill.
I wouldn't expect more than a day from them though as its surprising how much more tiring it is when you are older, especially if you have any health problems.

With hindsight I probably took advantage of my own parents (who were keen to be involved) because I really didn't realise that they would tire more easily than me. I was a bit thoughtless.

My dm has ds 1 day a week, she lives 45 minutes away but drives over to be at our house for 7.15am! she usually brings him out somewhere for the day or if I'm on nights takes him home to her house and keeps him overnight too, we don't pay her. She says she loves it, I know ds loves her to bits and they have a great relationship because of it! I'm on mat leave but she plans on continuing to do 1 day after dt's are born and I go back to work! l take annual leave when she goes on holidays. It works really well for us but as others have said think it depends on your relationship with your dm and mil!

I've not been back at work long. My parents have dd one day and PIL the other day.
It wouldn't be cost effective for me to work if I had to pay for childcare.
I'm so glad I can go to work because it give me a break!

So far it's been brilliant. I'm happy knowing dd is with family and I get updates via text a lot.

I try not to use them for extra babysitting as I don't want to take the piss.

I don't pay them but will be treating and buying flowers when I get my first pay packet.

If PIL or parents are Ill or on holiday the others will happily do the two days that week.

As long as you're happy that things may not be exactly as you do it and you're ok with that it can be great.
My DD is happy so I am as well.

Just don't.

trust me grandparents can't switch off from being grandparents. I had family loom after dd1 when I went back to work. paid before anyone moans about taking advantage.

I got charged more than originally agreed. they did Wtf they wanted when feeding her. like I spent hours each week preparing decent food only to have her fed crap completely age inappropriate ..

when she got older so appeared to be randomly dumped on friends i didn't even know. half of which were teenage kids of visiting friends and family members.

If you can afford to pay for full care. do it.

It depends on your family and your relationships, and how reliable they are. My mum has ds for a day a week and it works great, but we have a very open relationship and I'd feel I could tell her if I really wasn't happy with something she was doing, but on the other hand she's been really good with generally following how we do things, and I love the amazing relationship that my Mum has with my son. She does have to travel an hour each way for it, and I check regularly that she's still happy with the arrangement, but she really likes it. My parents go away for a few weeks a year, so I either get his childminder (who he normally goes to two days a week) to have him or I have the day of (dh is a teacher so can't just take a day off).

otoh, at one point my mil was making noises about having him for a day or two a week as well, and neither dh nor I were happy about that. She's the type who would hold it over our heads "I'm doing you a massive favour...etc", she's a bit older and to be honest I don't think she's got the energy levels for a constantly active 18 month old, and when we've been visiting she's never offered to feed/change a nappy/do any childcaring other than playing (not that I think she should do that stuff, but if she was going to look after him on her own then it would have been nice to see willing iyswim).

Giles-not every grandparent would do that, I feed my grandchildren on what my daughter suggests and would never "randomly dump" them.

OP knows her own DM and MIL and whether they can be trusted.

If its one day per week everyone could benefit and have a great time.

Also unless I was really skint I wouldn't charge, these days people in their 60s and 70s tend to be better off than young families on the whole.

I am a childminder (day off today) and this set up works for many of the families I work with. Most play groups I attend are mostly childminders and GPs. Try it if it doesn't work go to nursery full time.

We have benefited from family childcare, but it's not always been smooth sailing. When I went back to work after DC1 (2 half days and 1 full day per week), my mum had him for one half day, MIL for the other half day and they alternated the full day between them. They provided holiday cover for each other and it worked well. This continued until DC1 was 20 months and I stayed mat leave with DC2.
I didn't go back to work until DC2 was nearly 2, and everything had changed. I was on 2 full days a week and MIL made it clear that she wouldn't do any childcare. My mum stepped in, but it only lasted a month or so as the very early starts and long journey (40 mile round trip each day) were too much. We had to make rapid alternative arrangements, although my mum continued to do one half day for DC2.
Then she got cancer, so obviously wasn't able to do anything for us for several months (caught early and all removed, but not without complications).
I then had DC3. For the two years since I went back to work, my mum has done some childcare but we've mostly relied on a childminder. DC3's funded nursery hours start after next week and my mum will be collecting her after nursery one morning and the in laws have reluctantly agreed to collect her the other day (she's doing a double session on their day, so they'll only have her from 3.15). I don't like relying on them but my mum can't do the other day, the childminder has filled her space with a full timer and the nursery don't offer wrap around care. I'm hopeful that we can manage to make this work for the 4 terms she's at nursery.

drudge

I thought I knew this family member.

I'm trying to point out that this is exactly the kind if situation where you could well end up finding you don't know them as well as you thought and just how different in terms of parenting styles you are.

and that it can potentially ruin previously good relationships with people. they aren't always who you think they are once money or favours become involved.

My mum and mil have looked after DTs three days a week between them since they were 1, now 3.5. I am forever grateful for them doing this and realise how lucky we are.

They come to my house and look after them here, it's easier for them. There have been moments where it's been slightly tense (too much chocolate, too much day time sleep, nothing major). We had brilliant relationships with both before and even more so now and they are a very important part of DTs lives.

That's not to say they're not looking forward to them starting school though!

My mum has my baby two days a week. It's working really well. She respects my priorities, I'm happy to let her have free reign and don't try to micromanage her. I would advise testing it out when you're on maternity leave to get some experience of how to it works and give you a chance to iron out any problems.

You know your family. Sit down and have a good honest chat with them about how it will work - pros and cons. I relied heavily on family help and it worked out really well for everyone. I am forever grateful. Now, as a grandmother myself, I absolutely help my own children as much as I can and follow their wishes with regard to how they want their children cared for. What a privilege and joy it is to be a grandmother - no payment required!

It can work brilliantly

Dm and dmil do a day each. We drop ds with everything he needs for the day to make it easier for them. If one is on holiday the other will do 2 days and vice versa.

Sometimes they switch days and often just text or ring us and say 'we've arranged to swop this week.

We're all dreading ds going to school - us because this arrangement works brilliantly and them because they love seeing so much of ds. Both sides have grandchildren they don't see much because of distance and ds will probably be the last gc on both sides.

We're very lucky.

I have loads of help from PIL, including regular daytime childcare. I love the deep relationship that this gives dd with them, it really enriches her life. For me the benefits go far beyond saving nursery fees. She goes to nursery too, and I love that as well. And they offer flexible back up, so she can go there is she can't go to PIL for some reason.

May I help? I have done two days a week childcare for my dgc for 8 years now. Initially it was Monday and Wednesday from 8.30 to 5 in their house because everything was there. This started when dgs1 was 6 months old.
When he was 2.5 his little brother was born. While dd was on mat leave with dgs2 I had dgs1 two afternoons so dd had 1/1 time with the baby.
When she went back to work dgs1 was in preschool 2 mornings so I had the baby all day and dgs1 I picked up from preschool and we all had the afternoon.
This has continued until now when they are 6 and 8 and I do after school pick up, tea and play still on the same two days.
I consider it a privilege and would never take a penny. They use an excellent childminder the other 3 days. Dd is a teacher so holidays are not a problem.
I like to have the boys for the odd day during the holidays just for fun times. My days mean I can have a long weekend from Thursday to Monday morning if I want. It has worked very well for us and makes for a warm and loving family dynamic.

I think it could work out well. It'll be good for your DD not to be in nursery full time and easier for you being able (hopefully) to not have to do nursery run twice a week.

I'd ask for the GP's to do Monday and Friday though, as these are the quietest days at nurseries, so you've more chance of getting an emergency spot if one of them is ill or is on holiday.

My MIL is also unreliable at times and will cry 'ill' if she has been around people who are ill. As an example, SIL lives with her. SIL had a bug and MIL cancelled picking up DD2 (she does this weekly, no other options until September thank God) just in case she got it. My parents were away. Dh had to take the afternoon off work at short notice. MIL never became I'll, at all! Clearly had she been ill during the day, that would have been a different story. I have had to as well for something similar. Fortunately my employers are very good about things like that and know it's a rarity for my childcare to break down.

To second what some other posters have said: my MIL and FIL looked after DS once a week. They were always reasonably good at feeding him, and looked after him wonderfully. We have a great relationship normally, we did fall out about his naps though. They would either leave him to sleep way too long or too late, then I would have to spend my entire evening trying and failing to get him to sleep. It wasn't as simple as leaving him awake as he had to be up early for nursery the next day and also I had a younger DC to get to bed too, and that one was exhausted. However many times I asked them to wake him / get him to nap earlier, they refused, saying there was no problem. It completely wound me up and I had to put him in nursery eventually instead. They now sometimes have him for a few hours but it's much more flexible and we're all happier with that (I think).

By all means try your family looking after your DC. It might be brilliant! But just be prepared to end up using nursery more than you originally planned.