How to stop visiting my parents?

[erikas43]

Seven years ago I moved abroad and have since got married and bought a house in my new country. Initially I visited fairly regularly, but in recent years I've drifted away from old friends and ties in the UK and see fewer and fewer reasons to return. In addition, I am terrified of flying, and when I lived in the UK, I had a number of traumatic experiences (I was abused and raped). I have NO desire to return to the UK even for a visit. It's too much for me and would disturb an otherwise happy and peaceful existence I've got going for me here.

I have drifted away from my parents somewhat over the past year or so, and although I have no objection to them visiting me should they wish to, I can't bring myself to visit them in the UK. Every time we speak on Skype, my mum asks me when I plan to visit and I keep putting it off and off. Eventually I'll need to tell her that I intend never to return.

But how? She has a tendency to leap into defensive mode and never accepts what I say ("Well you'll have to return at some point"). I want to leave the door open for them to visit me, but how can I tell them that I will not be visiting them anymore or how can I just drift away from them?

Sorry for this rambling message...just a stream of consciousness. Had to try to articulate how I'm feeling somehow/somewhere.

Could you write your Mum a letter or an email explaining in detail just how upsetting your memories here are, and how much damage it does having to return? Sometimes it's easier to get everything said in one go, let the other person digest it and hopefully respond when they've had time to think.

Ultimately, your decision is yours. Your Mum will be upset, of course. But you can't love your life to please others, you can only do what's right for you.

Do you have children op? I can see you've been through an awful time

But unless very good reason how hurt would you be if your dcs said they'd no Longer visit

What about when your parents are too elderly or infirm to travel

Are you an only child ?

I think it depends on the age of your parents and how easily they travel. Do you have siblings who live close to your parents? Why have you drifted away from them specifically in the last year?

You don't need to see each other to be very close. My closest friend I rarely see at all but we talk on the phone lots. Always in depth and very open