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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder what to do about what I saw with friend's au pair

53 replies

phewIdidit · 09/04/2015 21:57

I was at the park the other day with my son. We were there a couple of hours. A friend's children were there with their au pair. Initially I thought their mum might have been with them but they told me they were with the au pair. I asked them were she was. The older of the two pointed to a woman seemingly asleep some way off from the park in the grass - not facing the playground. The children she minds are 9 and 4. I was a bit taken aback. She remained in the same position for the entire time I was there. At one stage the younger child had a minor mishap and the elder child took the younger one to the au pair.
I realise being an au pair is low paid and the job description is a bit vague.
I don't particularly want to be a busy body however I wouldn't want my child to be fairly unsupervised in the playground. What do others think is the best course of action?

OP posts:

PoppyField · 09/04/2015 22:54

I was hoping you were going to say she was in bed with the husband. Shurely shome mishtake!

minionmadness · 09/04/2015 22:57

I'd want to know if the person being paid to look after my 4 year, wasn't actually doing that.

Even by the most laid back of parenting standards, being asleep in a public park in sole charge of a 4 year old is pretty bad really.

cerealqueen · 09/04/2015 23:17

I'd tell the parents.

Au pair expecting 9 yr to supervise.

4 is too young and my wander of and get in somebody's car and 9 is too young to be expected the prevent it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/04/2015 23:21

Boy Scout take off your toddler goggles. They're only 4 and 9 years old. How would you feel if it were your child!
Children don't stop needing to be safe guarded when they get past the toddler stage you know

Almostapril · 09/04/2015 23:45

I was in our very very busy urban area park today. Tons of parents, GP and carers letting 3-9 year olds play while they lazed in the sun chatting.all the carers were within sight of the DC and the DC knew where carers were. Mine and their friends included. My 3.5 yr old ran back when they had a bump then went again. Non issue

flyingpig7 · 09/04/2015 23:45

I was an au pair for a year. I would never have dreamed of being that unobservant when looking after the kids. I might not have always actively played with the 3 yr old (especially if he'd made some friends in the sandpit or whatever) but I would sit facing him and watch what he was doing.

highkickindandy · 09/04/2015 23:45

This happened to me when we had a nanny, my kids were similar ages, a bit younger. Nanny was apparently asleep in the car while my kids were in a crowded playground next to a busy road. I was so glad my friends told me - please tell your friend, then it's up to her what she does.

TheCowThatLaughs · 09/04/2015 23:49

The very least you can expect from someone looking after your child is that they be awake, imo. It's not much to ask really.

SaucyJack · 09/04/2015 23:52

YANBU. I think it's reasonable that au pairs are only expected to do the bare minimum...... but staying awake in case of an incident is the bare minimum.

Hamiltoes · 09/04/2015 23:57

I sit on the bench and read mumsnet when my 4yo is in the park .

Shes 4, she can talk. Or shout. Or scream. Or wail.

Hell if she had a 9 year old sibling I'd be putting the dinner on not in the park with them

MrsFlannel · 10/04/2015 00:01

Hamiltoes some parks are larger than others. Some are fenced. Some are not. Ours for instance is massive and surrounded by trees and fields and lanes. The sort of place where you could lose track of a 4 year old in the blink of an eye.

My friend's local park...it's tiny..fenced in and utterly safe to Mumsnet in while the DC play.

MrsFlannel · 10/04/2015 00:02

Also...as for "she can scream or shout or wail" who says? I saw an article once about a child who was almost abducted and she couldn't utter a single sound as she was so terrified.

SaucyJack · 10/04/2015 00:05

Hysteria aside- what if she falls on her head and knocks herself out? She won't make any noise then.

Springtimemama · 10/04/2015 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hamiltoes · 10/04/2015 00:07

MrsF specifically talking about my park which is in the middle of a field surrounded by the backs of houses, children everywhere.
And her being snatched isn't really something I'd ever considered. I more meant if she fell and hurt herself or such.

KoalaDownUnder · 10/04/2015 05:00

I would tell the mother exactly what I saw, but be v accurate.

Reading a book and glancing up occasionally is one thing. Lying down with your eyes shut for 10 minutes at a stretch is quite another.

musicalendorphins2 · 10/04/2015 05:08

I would tell the mother, as I would want to know. Perhaps she wasn't feeling well or something.

coolaschmoola · 10/04/2015 05:17

'seemingly asleep' is not definitely asleep and unless you watched her and not your own children the whole time you were there which would be borderline hypocrisy you can't possibly know that she was asleep or that she wasn't keeping an eye on them.

You could cause a lot of trouble over a 'seemingly'. If you were so concerned why didn't you go over to the AP?? If she was asleep it could've been accidental, or she may have been ill or even awake. The point is you don't know and you didn't check either.

In that situation I would have gone over and said 'Hi X, are you ok?' not just left her to it, just in case.

Tryharder · 10/04/2015 05:25

I sometimes let my 10 year old play in the park with my 4 year old and 6 year old whilst I am in the post office/local co-op round the corner.

Is that bad?
I obviously have different - much lower- standards.

The au pair was there, would've been no different if she was reading a book. She probably wasn't asleep, just enjoying the sun.

I actually wouldn't think anything of this.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 10/04/2015 05:42

Not good to be sleeping in the park. I am sure it can be tiring - but AP is unlikely have same worry reflex as a parent. That said, I have told the nanny that works with is to have a sleep whenever the baby naps as it is hard work!!

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 10/04/2015 05:43

That is at home though, not in a park obviously.

chrome100 · 10/04/2015 05:46

I think YABU.

A 4 and 9 year old are perfectly capable of playing in a park without their hands being held and if anything were to happen the au pair is just nearby.

She doesn't need to sit there staring at them.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 08:01

I think some people like chrome and Tryharder aren't getting the fact that the au pair was some way away and not even facing the play area. That's a very different thing from sitting there and reading where you can glance up and check the children regularly. When my children were that age I used to take the newspapers or a book but always had an ear open so I was aware if they fell or anything.

Satsumafairy · 10/04/2015 08:09

Sitting on a bench reading or MNetting is very different from sleeping some distance away from them in the park. 4 is absolutely to young to be left unattended like this. I would mentioning to the parent of I were you.

Satsumafairy · 10/04/2015 08:11

You won't cause unnecessary trouble because the parent will either be concerned and deal with it or be unconcerned and do nothing.

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