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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with BF for taking her husband back

8 replies

PinkFairy22 · 09/04/2015 15:01

I feel so torn and desperately want my best friend to be happy. I think she's making a huge mistake, but it's her life so AIBU to be feeling so fed up?

BF found out her DH had been cheating on her before Christmas with a mutual friend. She admitted she hasn't been happy for years and he's very controlling, unpredictable behaviour, emotional bullying etc. I'd suspected some of these personality traits but the reality was horrific.

To cut a very long story short, she kicked him out, their 3 DCs are devastated and he has behaved like a total arse. She decided pretty early on that she wanted out, but was willing to try mediation for a few months.

Another friend and I have been "on call" for her for months now - she and the kids have spent weekends, evenings with us, literally hours on the phone each week. We have dropped plans at the last minute numerous times to help her out when she's needed us. We have planned treats for her (sent flowers, taken her for her spa day) and taken kids on outings because we just wanted to see them smile again.

It got pretty vicious and nasty between her and her DH and, last month, she decided on divorce. A couple of days later she changed her mind because she can't face being a single mum and believes he can change. She told him and he was over the moon - THEN he admits that he's still having the affair and was hedging his bets!! BF is sticking by her decision and wants to give it another go?!

Our other friend and I are so worried about her and being totally honest feel a bit let down after all the emotional energy we have devoted to supporting her. We got a text saying "still happy to work through things with DH. Kids so happy but I need your support so please continue to be there for me [smiley]".

AIBU?

OP posts:
MsAspreyDiamonds · 09/04/2015 15:07

I would step back but be there when if it falls apart and it will. A leopard can't change its spots as they say, you have done all you can and its now time for her to find out for herself.

Purplepoodle · 09/04/2015 15:07

Bless her she doesn't have the courage to breakaway. He sounds like he would be very good at manipulation and the kids probably giving her hell. Judy text her and tell her you will be there for her, then take a step back. Wait for her to contact you again.

Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 15:08

Well, no, but I was your friend for a long long time and I can quite see how frustrating I must have been. Just the same I've been dropped like a hot potato by most which does hurt :(

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 09/04/2015 15:15

oh.... its hard when our friends/family dont do what we think they should - i suppose all you can do is be there and not be judgey

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 09/04/2015 15:18

I don't think you should begrudge her the emotional energy/time etc you've put into the friendship as that's what friends do. YANBU for disagreeing with her decision, and I would tell her that (in the nicest possible way). But as a friend, you'll always offer support and advice. Try to put yourself in her shoes; she probably knows she's making an ill-judged decision but it's a horrid situation to be in and not easy to walk away when it's happening to you, no matter how strong you try to be.

Chrysanthemum5 · 09/04/2015 15:21

I think you can't stop her going back to him but you need to consider yourself. Can you offer support when it happens again? Can you be there for her if she keeps on going back? If you don't feel you can then you need to be honest with yourself and walk away. If you can support her then just be there when she needs you. trying again with her H is up to her, your choice is limited to how much you feel you can continue to support her.

ConkerGame · 09/04/2015 15:22

Ah, such a difficult situation. I have been in a very similar situation and it can be so draining. You have obviously been a great friend and it can feel very frustrating when you see someone essentially undoing the good work and progress they have made so far, especially when you know it will all fall apart again. However, you can't really be a good supportive friend only on the condition that she does what you think she should do! So I think as others have said you should stay clear whilst they are 'trying again' which will probably only last a month or so anyway and then be there again for her when it all falls apart - hopefully making her see that he really will never change.

We've all been there though when we've broken up with someone we love because their behaviour just isn't acceptable but because we still love them we struggle to move on and almost need to hope they can change. So try not to be too judgey on her - it is hard, especially with kids.

Original poster
PinkFairy22 · 09/04/2015 15:26

You are all so wise! Thanks for the great advice and it really helped me to write it out down.

I am going to take a deep breath and pray that everything works out - but will of course be there just in case it doesn't....

Thanks again Flowers all round

OP posts:
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