Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IVF is worse for your health than smoking

18 replies

Edenviolet · 09/04/2015 13:12

Saw DM today. She has started smoking again despite being ill many times and hospitalised (and very nearly died from a smoking related condition).
I mentioned to her how the doctors had been very insistent she never smoked again and she got very annoyed.

She then proceeded to tell me I'm in no position to pass comment as I'm having IVF which is apparently "more dangerous for your health than smoking" and that if I have complications or get pregnant it "will cost the nhs more than its cost them to treat me for anything to do with smoking"

I'm really upset. I don't want to see DM in intensive care again but her comments really hurt. IVF is different to smoking surely or is it what DM refers to as "self inflicted possible health damage and drain on the nhs"??

OP posts:
bumblebreed · 09/04/2015 13:17

Your DM is an addict and she is trying to defend her addiction and her behaviour by making herself look better at your expense.

I think you need to learn to distance yourself from her behaviour. You cannot make her change no matter how much you love her. No one can, the change has to come from her.

I'm sorry you are going through this and that your DM has been so hurtful. I wish you all the best on your journey.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 09/04/2015 13:21

I agree with bumblebreed fully her reply is sensible and helpful.
But also it is a self inflicted expense, just like pregnancy.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 09/04/2015 13:26

Its just a comparison between two things that I wouldn't have ever thought anyone would make. It really upset me but then made me wonder and now I'm feeling quite down it really offended me

OP posts:
Jollyphonics · 09/04/2015 13:32

Some addicts will say that black is white to justify their behaviour. It's irrational and doesn't mean they actually believe what they're saying. You have to try and ignore it. Although you could point out that your IVF will result in a baby and her smoking will result in a funeral.

Trooperslane · 09/04/2015 14:01

That's totally shit op.

Agree she's trying to make herself feel better by putting your big focus down.

You have enough to get on with - ignore, ignore, ignore (easier said than done) x

geekymommy · 09/04/2015 14:05

I wouldn't bring up her smoking to her again, unless it's to ask her not to smoke in a specific place or situation (your car or your house, for example). She knows that smoking is dangerous. You don't need to tell her that. The doctors and the media already have. You're just going to antagonize her and make her defensive if you bring it up. (I think that's what happened- you talked about her smoking, and she got defensive) Yes, it would be wonderful if she would stop smoking, but your telling her that smoking is dangerous is probably not going to result in that.

PannaDoll · 09/04/2015 14:15

I agree with geekymommy. It's not like you are giving her fresh information. She's an adult making an informed choice (even if it's sadly killing her).

She struck out at you in frustration and went for what hurt most. Family are good at knowing which buttons to push.

I have a smidgin of sympathy for her as I abuse salt on my food and every single time I sit down to dinner, someone invariably informs that salt is bad for me as if they are delivering this information as fresh news, as if it wasn't common knowledge and it makes me want to punch them in the head.

I'm sorry she hurt you but yeah, maybe don't state the obvious at her again.

squoosh · 09/04/2015 14:19

Understandably no smoker likes being nagged but if my mother was smoking again after nearly dying from a smoking related disease I'd certainly say something.

I'm sorry she lashed out at you in this way, mark it down as defensive clap-trap. Pretty shitty behaviour on her part.

Good luck with your IVF. Flowers

geekymommy · 09/04/2015 14:46

if my mother was smoking again after nearly dying from a smoking related disease I'd certainly say something.

It might be reasonable to express your concern, once. Much more than that is nagging, which may damage your relationship and most probably isn't going to result in her not smoking any more. And if you are going to say something, you should be prepared for a defensive reaction, or for her to blow you off. You should also be prepared for your saying something to not have any effect on her smoking. If getting people to stop smoking were as easy as having someone they love ask them not to smoke, there wouldn't be anywhere near as many smokers as there are. You need to have realistic expectations of what is likely to happen when you say something like this. Unrealistic expectations aren't going to help anybody.

It sure would be nice if there were a simple way to get people we care about to stop smoking. Unfortunately, as far as we know right now, there isn't. We know a whole lot of things that are very unlikely to work, and nagging them is one of those.

squoosh · 09/04/2015 14:50

I know all that geeky. I used to smoke and know that the only thing that can make a smoker quit is them wanting to do it. But if I'd previously had a close shave with death due to my smoking habit I wouldn't be surprised if my nearest and dearest said 'wtf are you doing?'.

geekymommy · 09/04/2015 14:54

And the problem is, you can't make someone else want to quit doing something.

squoosh · 09/04/2015 14:57

No you're right, you can't. But I think in this sort of situation where someone's health is in immediate danger a loved one can be forgiven a concerned outburst.

vestandknickers · 09/04/2015 14:58

She said something very hurtful and wrong, but I can see why she lashed out. She is an adult who can make her own choices. Clearly she has been making bad ones for a long time, but it is not your place to say so. She needs your support, not judgement. Please try to make friends with her and move on from the hurtful things you have both said.
Good luck with your IVF.

Acer77 · 09/04/2015 15:31

Ooh I would be livid! Sorry... the other responses here are far more patient and understanding of your DM's response so you should probably listen to them not me! But the comparison between IVF and smoking with regards to either health risk or drain on the NHS is totally ridiculous! Needing IVF isn't the result of years of indulging in a habit everyone has known for decades is dangerous unlike smoking related illnesses...She is just trying to justify her habit because there is a lot of backlash recently about the fact that smoking costs the NHS billions of £s a year and the NHS is on it's knees at the moment. As a result she is probably hearing the same thing from all directions - her Dr, the media, her family...

Also I don't think it is unreasonable for you to nag her about starting smoking again TBH. When you are worried about a loved one's health and they are risking their own life with a bad habit I think you have a responsibility to say something. Admittedly, as others have pointed out, it may not get the response you would like but I understand you saying something to her none the less.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 09/04/2015 15:53

It's just such a shame as she had managed three months not smoking

OP posts:
Islanegra · 09/04/2015 17:31

You know what, your mum's response it shit. It really is. It's calculated to hurt and she knew it was a vulnerable spot to hit at. Shame on her.

And also, it's utter, utter bollocks.

Aridane · 09/04/2015 19:25

Lay off your Mum and smoking - she know's what's what with the smoking - she was lashing out and hurt you on your most vulnerable spot

Aridane · 09/04/2015 19:26

Sorry - of course she was wrong!!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page