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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please let me vent my spleen for a bit

26 replies

Freakingthefeckout · 09/04/2015 12:40

Back story; nanny helping out a family that had a serious mental health crisis around Xmas, father of family has cancer, mother had severe depressive episode, children are just about school age twins.

Things have gotten better for the most part, I'm still living with them on a part time basis and put them to bed around half of the time. Social services were involved and happy with the steps being taken.

Twins dad (TD) has finished chemo now and is working from home most days. He made a lot of talk about stepping up and parenting his children but I've seen almost no evidence of it, plus I think he's resentful of my constant presence in the house. He walks in on me when I'm sleeping and keeps putting my stuff away where I can't find it, and I think he uses my bed during the day when I'm not there. A single child's bed in a house with two doubles and three sofas. I wouldn't have to be here so often if he would raise his own children.

Last night is my main beef. I finished my day job with another family around 6 and went back there, about ten minutes after I got in we find out that Twins mum (TM) elderly father has had an episode of some sort so we all pile into the car to find out what's happened. Kids want to go with mummy, I go to keep them occupied, TD asks why he has to go.

Elderly father is taken to hospital, TD the kids and myself go home and it's getting near bedtime so I get them sorted and down for the night. About 9pm I finally get to have dinner and a shower. Then i go to my room to internet for a while.

Around 11pm I hear crying. I'm in the attic and the twins room is under and to the far side of that, the sound doesn't carry and the only reason i heard anything was because i heard girl twin slam a door. TDs room is right beside hers. She had diarrhea and couldn't clean herself up. So I got her sorted and back to bed.

An hour later, i hear her brother crying. He was crying for a while before i heard him, i think. He wears a pull up at night and had diarrhea too, and was very distressed. I had to wipe him from the tummy down and he was crying the whole time. You would have to be profoundly deaf not to hear him and as it happens, I am quite hard of hearing and i still heard all this.

I stayed with boy twin in his bed until TM got home at around 1am, and was back up at 6am. I'm so tired today I put Netflix on for the other kids at work so i could sit in peace for a while and i feel terrible about that.

Thanks for reading AngrySad

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 09/04/2015 12:46

Why have you got two jobs? How is the "mental health" crisis relevant?

Are you paid to be on call for the children?

I'd have a problem with you as day care for my children if you are working nights.

TheoriginalLEM · 09/04/2015 12:47

Im sorry if that doesn't sound very sympathetic but i think your problem is having two jobs. It appears to have a simple solution.

hesterton · 09/04/2015 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 12:53

I've had two jobs in the past.

Walking in on you is not on at all.

ChipDip · 09/04/2015 12:57

Where is the mother in all of this? Is she stepping up herself?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 09/04/2015 12:58

If your main job is suffering, then second job has to go, regardless of whether or not you're trying to help.

chickenfuckingpox · 09/04/2015 12:58

ive had two jobs i dont see that as an issue the issue is the dad? he mouths the right noises but does nothing?

you need a lock on your door and the next time he says a lot about stepping up etc agree and suggest he does x or y?

is this your permanent job?

stinkingbishop · 09/04/2015 13:00

If you're not a night nanny then why are you staying overnight? If you are, then presumably getting up for the kids is thought of as your job? His chemo may have finished but he could well still be v poorly/knackered, hence keeping you on.

How would it work if you asked to sit down with them to go through responsibilities, expectations etc to clarify everything?

Original poster
Freakingthefeckout · 09/04/2015 13:01

The mental health crisis is why I'm there. I worked for them since the twins were babies, once they started school i finished up with them but stayed in regular contact, like an aunt would, and started work with new family. Then the crisis happened and they have no one else so I said I'd help out while i was needed. My other boss knows this and understands.

Asking TD to pull his weight or otherwise criticizing him has usually resulted in a ramp up in passive aggressive nonsense which i don't care about but makes his wife miserable, it's actually easier for me to just do the job better.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 09/04/2015 13:03

It sounds like you need a description of your duties, but if they are to be on-call for the children then you need to consider whether you are able to give 100% to both jobs. If this is a one off due to the incident with the eldery father then just have a quiet day today and get an early night tonight.

TheoriginalLEM · 09/04/2015 13:05

I think thats where the problem is, you staying to help out is very kind, however i assume you are being paid? This may lead the couple to expect more from you than you expected to give? I think you need to sit down and discuss exactly what you are able to do. Be aware that chemo knocks you for six for a long time afterwards.

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 13:07

Someone who has had chemo could very well be feeling pretty crap for quite a long time after its finished.

The feeling crap doesn't just stop when the chemo stops.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 09/04/2015 13:09

IMO yanbu but you do need to consider if it's worth it for you. Irrespective of any physical or mental health issues the parents have, it sounds to me as though this new not so official nannying set up is only beneficial to them. And it's absolutely not on that he touches your stuff or sleeps on your bed.

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 13:12

I'm hoping you have changed quite a few details in your post OP because you have given rather a lot of information.

If I were your employer and spotted this I'd not be pleased. Nancy's are presumably meant to keep everything confidential so I hope you have factored that in.

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 13:12

Nannies not "Nancy's"!!

WicksEnd · 09/04/2015 13:18

I remember your previous post OP. They all sound truly ungrateful and are really taking advantage of you. I can't believe you're still there helping them.
Are you essentially a live in nanny with them but with an alternate day job? Just trying to understand why you're there overnight still?

Time to say enough is enough.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 09/04/2015 13:19

Are you being paid? As a parent I have to deal with broken nights and sick DC and the going to work the next day. You have a duty of care for the family you are working for during the day.

Is a frank discussion off the cards? Are social services involved, do they check you are OK with the level of help you are providing? How long can you do this?

ThingummyJigg · 09/04/2015 13:20

I think you should step away from this family. I'm sure you love the children, and you are doing what you're doing to help them and their mum (clearly you don't like their dad and on the evidence in your OP, who would? At best he has boundary issues, at worst he's a perv)

However.

You are not family. You are an employee. The fact is if they can afford you, they can afford someone else. The children you look after in the daytime are not benefitting from your care, they ended up in front of Netflix. I'd be pissed off about that if I were their mum, so I do understand you feel terrible about it.

I think you should hand your notice in. It is not your job to carry this family. The father doesn't want you there. In your absence he might do more.

Why on earth did everyone have to go to see what was going on with the grandfather? It sounds quite inappropriate to bring the children along, could no one say 'no' to them if they were pestering?

There is too much of a burden placed upon you and it's time to hand in your notice.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/04/2015 13:23

I remember your previous thread.

Dad still taking the utter, absolute and complete piss out of you then?

Are you still unpaid?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/04/2015 13:23

Were they good employers before they were ill?

giantpurplepeopleeater · 09/04/2015 13:25

Wow! What a difficult situation.

Are you being paid for the help you are giving the family? I mean, is this a job for you, or are you helping out for the sake of the twins??

To be honest, it sounds like TD, bad as it is, believes that you are there to look after the twins - so if you are there, you are responsible for them, no matter what the time or what he is doing.

Do you have to live there? Can you help out without living there? I would not want to live in a place where I was a) being taken for granted and b) being the subject of the passive aggressive nonesense that the TD is up to.

If you are working there, I would suggest that you clarify with both of them (in writing) what your role is, what times you will be working, and what you are responsible for.

If you can, I would try to help out without living there.

Also, this seems to be having quite an impact on you. I don't think it would be wrong to back away from the situation and either reduce your hours or work with the family to sort a different solution to the problems they are having. Like others said, you have to be mindful of the impact this is having on your ability to do your job.

Twirlwirlywoo · 09/04/2015 13:25

I think I remember you posting before about this - Christmas timemaybe?? when all this first kicked off! You were very concerned about the children if I recall correctly and thats why you stepped in to help??

Sorry if I am thinking of someone else similar.

Fwiw - I think they are maybe taking you a little bit too much for granted. Are you able to reduce your hours a little to see how they cope? Or suggest a new full time nanny is what they need?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 09/04/2015 13:31

regardless of anything else and ignoring all the family's difficulties, the father should not be walking into your room , interferring with your stuff and napping on your bed. That is just plain creepy! I would be laying down the law about boundaries and out of there at the first sign of MY rules being broken.

scallopsrgreat · 09/04/2015 13:41

I too remember you posting about this before. Dad was an arse then, still an arse now. No wonder the mother has mental health issues. She'd probably lose those if she lost him.

I'm with others. I think you need to start detaching.

It is worrying for the children so I can understand the dilemma you are in. but unless you can set up boundaries of where your work lies (and they/he will stick to those) you may have to walk away. Your health matters too.

He is abusive. Maybe you should tell his wife as much? It may start some lightbulb moments for her and who knows where that may lead...

ThingummyJigg · 09/04/2015 13:54

You know even if the twins' mother were family, I think we'd all be saying the same thing. Get out asap! If the family can't survive with you, what they need is help from social services which won't be forthcoming until THEY seek it.

Seriously, are you unpaid?