To ask you to Help me cancel my wedding

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Fucking long story but basically the only reason we are getting married AND having a wedding reception (going to cost us about £15k inc honeymoon) is because when we told mil we were going abroad to get married she assumed she was invited then threw a HUGE hissy fit when we told her nobody was invited inc her....fast forward a year and we've sent out the invites for this blasted wedding day as we decided one day "not quiet how we planned" is better than a life of HELL from dp's parents. As soon as those fucking invites were sent out my narc of a mil said "well if it's costing so much why didn't you elope/get married abroad/on your own? We would have understood"
Sorry but fuck this for a laugh.
We've spent about 1.5k so far on this wedding and we needn't waste much of it, we could still have our ceremony ON OUR OWN AS WE WISHED, stay in our lovely hotel we've booked and go on our honeymoon and just lose the deposit for the reception, only thing we've paid for is the photographer who we can still use.
I've realised my in laws are going to make life difficult regardless of this wedding and to be honest- I'm beyond caring.
How do I cancel this wedding? We've sent the invites out? Do I send a "we've cancelled our wedding" card out? How do people do this?
And how do I tell mil we're getting married but cancelling the party and not having ANYONE at our ceremony?
I feel so embarrassed, I've discussed my fucking wedding plans with everyone for a year now, what a mess
I'm going to have to pay people back their deposits for hotels too
Help me

I'd send cards/emails and say that you've decided to Plan An Elopement for just you two, rather than the traditional manner.

Whether you go into detail or not, is obviously dependent on who you're telling. People will gossip either way, I spose.

Dear Guests, we just wanted to say
That you're no longer required on our day
To sum up in a word
The cost is absurd
So fuck it, we're running away

I would do a handwritten note to each household. Handwritten letters are very hard to misinterpret. Make sure you are clear that you are staying together as a couple, no change of address etc.

The sooner the better but I really wouldn't mind a bit if I were a guest.

Tell your PIL they can use the deposit they have paid on the apartment instead of getting you a wedding present. You could call the apartment and hotel and see if they would consider giving people back their deposits without penalty as its so far off. How many guests will you need to contact? I think an email explaining the wedding got a little out of control and you have both reconsidered and decided to do it low key abroad is fine.

Don't wait. Another 10 people could pay for deposits while you get round to doing it. I wouldn't rush to tell PIL though. That's not your job actually. Its your OH's.

Well done you OP. Sincerely.

If i were you i would write a letter to the guests (you can use a 'stock letter' and tweak it per recipient if needs be). Explain that you are sorry but the big wedding is off, you have decided to downsize to the point of having just the two of you on the day and that anyone now out of pocket must of course get in touch, as you would hate anyone to be so and to not mention it.

Have no qualms about it. It's your life and your wedding

I really don't think you need to worry about handwritten notes or phone calls to each household - firstly because that'll be quite time consuming and you need to let people know asap (so they don't book hotels) and secondly because I don't think it should be that much of a big deal! People will understand and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Some friends of mine were in your situation a few years back - I can't remember exactly what the letter they sent everyone said but they just explained that they'd come to realise a big wedding wasn't what they wanted and that they'd decided to go abroad have a much smaller affair. My friends and I totally understood - we just wanted them to do whatever made them happy!

Really feel for you - agree with others that you should cancel if it's causing you financial stress. Is be careful about offering to pay deposits or the cost will keep mounting. Your friends will understand, anyone who's seriously out of pocket will let you know and best of all you will not be dancing to MIL's tune. Weddings are stressful no two ways about it. Going forward worth you and DF agreeing strategy for keeping MIL under control. Good Luck!

Apt poem by QueenEileen!

And YANBU to want to elope! DH and I had a huge wedding, but we did it because we wanted that ourselves. If you have your own dream of a tiny wedding with just the two of you, just go for that and don't feel forced by your FMIL!

Just one thing, I wouldn't say the wedding is cancelled, but the wedding celebration is cancelled.

I don't think you're being silly at all.

Definitely let the venue know asap, and also write, again asap, to everyone you invited with a brief explanation (tailored to how well you know the person - and how well your FMIL knows them too).

There is no point spending money you don't have on a wedding you don't want - it's bloody stupid.

You could always circulate that great limerick by Eileen

You know what OP, bloody well done. I'm proud of you for not ploughing on and ending up regretting it.

If I was your friend, so long as we weren't out of pocket I'd be happy that you'd cancelled if it wasn't what you wanted. I'd also be enjoying the story I'd have to tell ('...so then they said fuck it! And now they're off to Mexico to get married on horseback in the moonlight!!' or whatever). But I'm a gossipy mare.

Just make your un-invite positive and cheery and please use Eileens poem

Thank you everyone for your replies. I've just sat here in tears because map angry withuself for letting it get this far.
The truth is I love my own family and actually many of dps family too and if it wasn't for both mine and dps relationship with his parents we would've loved a big wedding with those we appreiciate the company of.
It's been a rocky road with dps parents and we've desperately (dp esp) tried to build a healthy relationship with them. Unfortunately it's very on/off and they go from very normal parents to very demanding a lot and make it tough for dp to decide what kind of relationship he wants wth them.
We decided to get married here and have a big wedding because we would have had a lovely regardless of difficult parents/in laws however throughout the planning process dp has said many a time he just wants a wedding with just me and him (and I have to say I've agreed).
We are torn. And just wish his parents were normal. I feel so sorry for him.

On the practicalities, I don't think you can say "contact me to get your deposit back". People hate talking about money and it would be so awkward for them that they are likely to suck it up and inwardly resent you. If you can arrange it, far better to tell your hotel to refund the deposits to the guests' credit cards and for you to pay the equivalent to the hotel. It might be more hassle for you but it is way more considerate for your guests.

Also think about their travel costs if you are going down the refund route - if I were a guest at a wedding abroad, I am far more likely to book my flight before I book my hotel so you may be looking at a heftier bill than you think.

You sound really lovelyand under huge pressure, I hope it all works out for you but I just wanted to mention those two things that would probably be my point of view if I were a guest in that situation. Best of luck.

QueenEileen

I was just going to see if the collective wisdom of mumsnet could come up with a parody of the wishing well invite poem to send to guests to explain- but I see you've started us off nicely.

Great job OP in standing up for what you want. Takes guts but it's the right call. 8 years on- I wish we had done as we wanted. And I've sat through a lot of weddings where we couldn't for the life of us work out how and why the B&G had spent £15-20k on a wedding. Have the day you two want. That's all that matters.

I think once you've bitten the bullet and actually cancelled, all you'll feel is relief. And you can console yourself by planning how to spend all that lovely extra money you'll have.

Oh chuckit dont cry x Is there no compromise to be found?

What about a private wedding and a blessing a few days afterwards with special people? A sort of mini wedding?

Or a private wedding and a big cheap & cheerful, super relaxed party - a hog roast at a cricket club and a bouncy castle type affair?!

I'm trying to think of things crazy in laws might hate might find hard to squash the fun out of and aren't costly.

I think while you don't have time.. Take MIL out of the equation... What kind of a wedding would you have factoring in the cost?

If it is get married abroad then do that.

If not figure out what you want to do...This day isn't about MIL this is about the 2 of you making a commitment to spend the rest of your life together.

My Wedding was very small but my favorite part of the day was when we made our vows to each other as that is what it was about. No one else mattered at that point

I take my hat off to you OP.

Send a card as suggested. Everyone will completely understand. If someone sent me a card saying plans had changed I would think (a) hope everything's ok, and (b). I can't think of a (b) actually. Sticking with (a), just concern that all is well.

My wedding day was railroaded by my mother. At what should have been the most exciting time of my life, it was instead filled with arguments, tears and now 15 years of resentment (longer than the marriage lasted!)

Have the day you both want.

I think Sycamore's idea of getting the hotel to refund any deposits and you paying them is a good one. I expect a lot of people won't have even booked yet. The hotel ought to refund people in full anyway, they have six months to rebook rooms anyway.

I would write a note saying that the wedding has escalated into something bigger, fussier and more expensive than you really wanted so you have decided to cancel it and have something much smaller in its place. If you really wanted you could book a local hall and have a party for those that won't be going and who may like to wish you well - none of the drama of the frilly wedding, just a party..

have it quiet but just have parents and go out for dinner after -you won't have to reimburse in laws then.

I would write a note saying that the wedding has escalated into something bigger, fussier and more expensive than you really wanted so you have decided to cancel it and have something much smaller in its place.

Perfect. Honest and frank - many invitees will completely understand and applaud your decision

One couple I knew spent their wedding reception budget on several smallish get-togethers with their friends & relations in various places - that is, they did the travelling and hosted a pub lunch or similar with each group. It was a neat way of sidestepping the organisation & diplomatic issues.

OP - this weekend I want you to:

1. drink a lot of wine or eat a lot of chocolate (if you don't drink)
2. Sit down with DF with a pencil and pad
3. Write a wishlist of what it is that YOU TWO want to do
4. Do it

Whose wedding is this anyway? MIL has already had her special day so she shouldn't be making any comments at all. This day is about two people who love each other, expressing their commitment in the way they want, whether it be with 2 people or 200 or 2,000. I mean (and I'm off on one), what do the blasted vows say? This man. This woman. NOT does this arsing mother demand to be part of the arsing service?

I had a load of this when my own DM wanted to invite a load of her friends and relatives' boyfriends/girlfriends of all of 6 weeks to my wedding. The venue only seated 60 people so I showed her the guest list and told her to cross off the names of the people we had to uninvite to make room for the dog's vet's cousin's godfather.

My own DD is getting to the age when we're joking about her getting married but, do you know what? She can have whatever day she wants with or without me tagging along as this marriage is about her and her chosen one.

So remember, you and DF stand together on this one and as long as the two of your are in unison with your decision then you'll be fine. Those who really love you will respect your decision and laugh about this in years to come. And those who don't, well, they don't deserve to be part of your wedding anyway.

xx

I think you're being very sensible and brave. A lot of people would just carry for people's sake and it take guts to realise your mistake and change your plans for the better. Go for it. And I hope you have a lovely day, just the two of you.
As for the FMIL, that's a whole different story.

If your PIL weren't difficult, would you have a big wedding with your families there? Could you not invite them? If they are that difficult then why bother but then I've got no time for shit like this.

If you truely want to bugger off together, then do it and don't let your ILs dictate anything in your life. YOUR life, not theirs!

Good luck.