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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD 14 and boyfriend .....

24 replies

Redwineplease42 · 08/04/2015 12:01

DD has a boyfriend same age as her for a year.
They see each other about once a week but are on facetime loads. He usually comes here for a few hours I let them in DD's room but door open. We live in quite a teeny house . DD keeps asking for him to sleepover I say no.
Anyhow one of my friends got really shitty with me for a) Allowing DD to have a boyfriend b) for allowing him in her room.
She was really patronising about it and basically said I was inviting them to get sexual and she couldn't believe I'd even consider allowing him in the house.
How do others deal with teens relationships?!

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 08/04/2015 12:02

You sound very sensible to me. Your friend can do what she likes with her own teens, if you are happy with the way you treat yours who cares what she thinks?

madreloco · 08/04/2015 12:04

hous, yes. bedroom no. 14 is far too young for any hint from you that they should be cosy in her room, especially if she is looking for sleepovers.

Sugarfreeriot · 08/04/2015 12:05

Sounds like you've got the right idea imo. Ignore your friend and do what's best in your opinion, she's your dd and telling her she can't have a boyfriend is unlikely to work, she'll have a boyfriend if she wants regardless

owlborn · 08/04/2015 12:08

Sounds quite reasonable. At 14 they will want their privacy, if only to talk. Door open seems like a sensible compromise.

TheCraicDealer · 08/04/2015 12:09

Well one of you is fostering an open and honest relationship between you and your daughter with clear, defined boundaries. The other is just sticking her head in the sand and thinking that not being allowed in someone’s bedroom means you defo won’t be having sex, oh no, not ever.

Ignore.

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/04/2015 12:10

I do the same with my 13yr old, I think it's fine.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/04/2015 12:23

I'm not saying your dd is sexually involved with her boyfriend but my attitude is. It's better under my roof than up an entry or in a park.

candidkate · 08/04/2015 12:29

Obviously no one can judge your choices as a mother....I do believe that people are too quick to label not allowing your children to do certain things as unrealistic, controlling etc - especially on MN.

When i was being raised I went to an all girls school, had a curfew to be home by after school, any sleepovers were checked over (mom called the parents during the stay at least once, met them and dropped me off and agreed on the plan). It was literally impossible for me to get up to some of the shit my peers were. However i was well entertained and had fun - i just went to dance class instead of shagging behind a shed.

With that being said - you can have a boy in the house and keep in innocent if you have open conversations with your daughter about womanhood, relationships and the intentions of the average teenage boy. You can give a little and still have boundaries! However....a boyfriend at 14 should be watched and monitored very very carefully. I'm not sure I would allow it. There is more to growing up and womanhood than boys/sex/makeup....I fear too many young girls think that's the be all and end all of growing up.

Anyway you are an amazing mom and are clearly concerned. How dare that prick judge you!

Leaving the door open and no sleepovers is a good rule - you and her need to have a proper chat though (why does she want him to sleep over for?....)

Most importantly OP .....Keeping the relationship appropriate shouldn't just be your agenda as a mother ....but her agenda as a young lady. - This is why talks are vital!

What do you think?

facedontfit · 08/04/2015 12:30

14, sounds quite reasonable to me. At my daughters school she is called names because she doesn't have a boyfriend..........she is 10.

Boutonneux · 08/04/2015 12:34

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost - completely agree with what you said.

OP, I would happily ignore your friend. Actually no, I'd tell her to mind her own fucking business actually (assuming you didn't actually ask her opinion on it?).

My eldest is now 19 but she had a fairly serious boyfriend at that age and I was even more relaxed than you. I did allow them to close the door, believing they were entitled to their privacy and would rather they got up to whatever they might have got up to under my roof, where they were at least safe. Daughter and I have always had a very open relationship in regards to sex and I believed her when she told me they weren't at that stage. She came to me just before she turned 16 to discuss it further (contraception etc) and I'm glad she felt she could do that (I never could with my mum). This was with the same boyfriend btw.

Treat her like the young adult she is becoming, make sure she knows she can discuss anything of a sexual nature with you at any time, teach her to respect her body and you won't go far wrong OP.

HMF1 · 08/04/2015 12:39

DS3 who has just turned 14 has first girlfriend ( this is way younger than his brothers) he is off to see her today at her home, her mum is there. They met at a drama class & don't go to school together, I think this is a good thing. I would be happy for her to visit us as well. I want to know who my son's friends are the boys as well as the girlfriends, I wouldn't refuse any reasonable request to have friends over at that age you need to pick the battles & if they are happy to meet up at your home rather than hanging about outside I think that is a good sign, it's probably the boy/girlfriend's they don't want you to meet that you have to worry about.

RabidFairy · 08/04/2015 12:39

Sounds like you're handling the situation brilliantly OP. Your friend is being unrealistic, dramatic and ridiculous!

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 08/04/2015 12:45

i hope your friend hasn't got a dog, i LOVED long countryside dog walks

Bowlersarm · 08/04/2015 12:50

I think what you are doing is fine. We've always done bedrooms are fine, as long as the door is open. My friends mainly use this approach with their teens too.

LittleBairn · 08/04/2015 12:52

I would agree with your friend in not allowing him in her bedroom. You are sending her mixed signals which is why she's bothering you about having him stay overnight.

mariamin · 08/04/2015 12:53

I had a boyfriend at this age and had him in my bedroom with the door closed. I lost my virginity way later than a lot of my friends. And I was able to talk to my mum about these kind of issues. One of my friends who was forbidden to have boyfriends, had a baby at 16 years of age. She was with an older boy who pushed her into sex. Of course she couldn't talk to her mum about any of this, as she wasn't allowed boyfriends.

candidkate · 08/04/2015 13:18

mariamin Just because you are not allowed to have a boyfriend doesnt mean you are going to rush into sex and be bullied.....and just because you have a boyfriend doesnt mean that you will make good safe choices!!

No matter what you choose as a parent OP DIALOGUE is all that matters. I wasn't allowed a boyfriend but my mum kept me active social and entertained in a million other ways. We spoke about sex and relationships openly until the cows bloody came home. She didn't just say NO, beat her chest and say "because i said so" like an ignorant lazy parent.

I'm sorry for your friend mariamin but guess what....people who are allowed boyfriends also go through abuse unwanted pregnancy and all types of shit! It's about a support system no matter what you decide!

daughterofliz · 08/04/2015 13:25

If they're both 14 I would be rather surprised if they're even considering having sex. I'm not saying it never happens, but lots of 14 year olds wouldn't consider themselves ready and even being in a bedroom together probably wouldn't suddenly put the idea in their heads.

Does she specifically want him to sleep over in her room or just in the house? Although I was a bit older at the time, my first boyfriend slept on the sofa at our house a couple of times because he lived in a village in the middle of nowhere and it would have been difficult for him to get home after a party in my town. I also slept at his house for the same reason, but they had a spare room (his older sister's old room). It never occurred to us not to stay put at night. I don't think there would be any harm in an arrangement like that, but would probably draw the line at letting him sleep in her room, not so much because I'd assume they were up to something, but because people like your friend would probably make life difficult for all concerned with their comments.

LokiBear · 08/04/2015 13:29

Your dd will have sex when she thinks she is ready. Unfortunately, that can be much earlier than you might hope. The best thing to do is to have 'the talk' with her. Not just in terms of unwanted pregnancy and stis, you need to talk to her about the emotional aspects of sex too. Talk about what makes a healthy relationship and how sex is a tiny part of that. I think keeping the door open as you have been is fine.

Original poster

Redwineplease42 · 08/04/2015 15:25

Thank you everyone . Was just so taken aback /fuming that she thought I was being so naive and was so shocked it made me think .
I did have "the talk" with DD who was horrified and said "What do you think of me gggooodddddd".

OP posts:

mariamin · 08/04/2015 15:56

Kate, I know girls who are allowed boyfriends can also be bullied into sex. The key is dialogue as you say. And forbidding a girl to have a boyfriend, just forces her to hide from her parents anyoyfriend she has.

Original poster

Redwineplease42 · 08/04/2015 16:21

I just think if teens want to do something they will find a way. I was not allowed to mix with boys, go to parties etc so I'd say "I'm going to Annies for dinner and revision" Annie would tell her mum she was coming to revise at mine. We'd stay in the local park/woods all night drinking/smoking/snogging(and way worse).
I try and be open minded i'd prefer her to not have a boyfriend yet but she does and if i banned it she'd only go behind my back and he seems like a nice boy.
I don't agree I'm afraid that not many 14 year olds think of having sex (wish they didn't) but it seems many do I just like to hope mine doesn't yet .
I make very frequent trips upstairs .

OP posts:

Georgethesecond · 08/04/2015 16:24

Yes there's always laundry to put away isn't there

Sickoffrozen · 08/04/2015 16:37

If only hormones kicked in later. It seems this obsession with sex is taking over young peoples lives and if it was anything like it was for me as a younger girl, it was almost always shit! A lads fumbling hands is certainly not how you envisage romance to be when you are dreaming of love!

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