AIBU to cut contact with their Dad now....is it ok for me to stop now...I cant do it anymore??

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Advice needed as I've reached my absolute limit and would love nothing more to not bother and seriously thinking about sitting my two (boys 13 and 14) down and saying Im sorry I cant do it anymore. Bit of a long one sorry....

History of it all..........Split with ex husband when the boys were aged 5 and 7. He never stuck to any agreement for contact whether ringing or seeing them or to contribute financially so went to the csa. He quit his job after a handful of payments. I then was offered a job 45 -60 minutes away full time so I took it so as to guarantee an income. Lived in Middlesbrough moved to Wetherby.

We came to an arrangement financially however he was finding every excuse in the book not to see them and not ringing etc He failed to meet the financial agreement so I went back to the CSA. He then cut contact with the boys completely no birthday cards christas cards etc.. including his parents. I cant tell you how bad I felt...blamed it all on myself....was a bit of a dark time. Despite trying to reestablish something it was always met with radio silence. After that I carried on with the csa as in mind.....he might of cut responsibilities but he should at least meet these. What followed was him leaving a couple of jobs finaly after several years the csa began making payments into my bank. It stopped after a few months...I was told he'd quit his job again and was now unable to make payments as he was now a student.

I should say at this point the lump sum of all the csa payments put together are 600.00 give or take a pound. I know this as I never dared spend any of it so put it in each of the boys accounts and there is about 300.00 in each of their accounts. My concern was he would forever use this money to blame me for his cutting contact.

As there was no contact now I went were the best paid job was for me and best flexibility for the boys and now live in halifax. 1 1/2 hour away from Middlesbrough.

My Dad died over a year ago and wanted even more the boys to know there Dad. Managed to reestablish contact with the mother of their Dad (Grandma) and got a result as their Dad wanted to see them. I then would travel up once a month go see my relatives and drop the boys to him.....despite it being 40 miles out of the way. He had left his wife and with a new girlfriend. Id planned to spend christmas day up there with friends and somehow got bamboozled into taking the boys to him on christmas day.....what had been agreed as he would pick them up from my friends and drop back off...that way I was having a wine with dinner. He couldnt manage that as the times weren't convenient....so I ended up on christmas day sat with the ex husband his new girlfriend and the ex mother in law...........I can never sit and do that ever again in a million years. All I heard was ho9w hard its been for their Dad. I dint say a word but ended up crying on the way home.

I havent been up north since and want no further contact with any of them. Ive explained to their dad hes welcome to come down, to ring, skype, email them etc. Hes been given their numbers, house number, a friends number in case he cant contact them but never used them. He's facebooked them now and agian saying hed like to them.

At easter hed text to say he was off and would meet half way, then i got a text to say his car is now written off.....well I lost it, completely and utterly!!! his girlfriend wayed in too slating me left right and centre. The crux of it is.....is they want me to do all the driving not even pick them up from a family friend up north and they want me to do this once a month!!! I had already said to them I was seeing family at easter so said I would bring them up to the grandmas this friday.....found out they have transport to get about!!! Im livid....Im effectively paying him to see his own kids and doing everything else too and he still doesnt contribte unless its a tenner at christmas. Ive also warned that if he throws the csa in my face one more time I would give him his 600 quid back.

AIBU to block all contact with myself and to not have anything to do with him obviously this will affect the kids but they are now 13 and 14...I wont stop communications between them if that happens and if their Dad comes down to see them to facilitate that but thats were it stops....is that unreasonable????

YANBU!! I think after all this time of trying you have done your bit. If he wants to see his sons it's now time for him to step up. Something tells me he won't bother though . How do your boys feel about their dad? Do they want to see him?

Not unreasonable at all. You have been MORE than reasonable and I'm sorry this moron doesn't care more about his children.

FWIW my father was similar and from the age of about 8/9 I could see it was all wrong, and it shouldn't be up to the mother or the kids to keep the father in their lives. I told her to stop bothering and I haven't spoken to him in at least 15 years - he has never made an effort to get in touch with me. I don't regret it or miss him at all. I'm sure your boys can see him for what he is as well, and they won't blame you a bit.

Your children are old enough to have a say in what happens now. Do they still want to see their Dad?

If they want to see their dad I'd facilitate it. It wouldn't be doing favours for him, it woudo be doing something for your children, which is probably what you spend most of your time doing anyway. There's only a few years tops left where they'd need you to help make arrangements, and then they will be able to see their dad without your input if they want to.

Decide what you are willing to do, for your children's sake, and then stick to it. Of course it is shit that your ex is a flakey irresponsible twat, but he is still your children's father and if they want to see him then they should be able to. Even if he's being a prick.

Do not threaten to give him back his £600. It is worthless as a threat because it would be detrimental to you and your children and beneficial for him.

Your boys are definitely old enough for you to sit them down and explain that you have tried your best, but it has gone beyond what you can do. Tell them you are not stopping their dad from seeing them, the door is 100% open, but it can't all be down to you.

Don't give the money back. that is for your boys not his pockets.

You have done over and above the call of duty on this op, really believe that children will work out what type of person a parent is, when that parent is left to be who they are.

I don't think that he will step up and be the wonderful father that your boys deserve. I think it is more likely that he will just not bother.

Your dc's don't need some flaky half measure in their lives, they need people that they can depend on, such as yourself.

I hope that you feel better and lighter about things soon.

Do not feel guilty for another's crappy behaviour

TedAndLola - Thank you....I still find it shocking that some Dads dont't make that effort whereas others would cross oceans and mountains....crazy stuff

Yanbu and PtolemysNeedle....my eldest has said he doesnt want to see him. Ive said that I believe hes only saying this as he's seen me upset and that Ill be taking him friday to see his grandma if anything and if his dad happens to be there then he's there...which hes agreed to. My youngest still wants to see him.

PtolemysNeedle - your right about the £600 but Im tired of him using it as a weapon to blame his not bothering on to me. It would be so nice to give him it back so he can stick it were the sun dont shine

YANBU.

Your boys are at the age now where if dad can't drive to collect them for whatever reason, they can travel alone and so he can pay for them to get the train or a coach to him.

He's just not that arsed really, is he? It's you leading on all the contact, so just stop. Stop trying to force something he clearly doesn't want.

The thing with the money is that even if you did give it back to him, he would still find a reason to blame you for his faults. It wouldn't achieve anything, and you'd be £600 down.

That's what happens when you have to argue with a fool, you're there thinking that you'd like the satisfaction of shoving the money up his arse, but as you're not dealing with a reasonable person who is capable of admitting their own failings, he will just find another irrelevant stick to beat you with.

I think you're doing the right thing by taking your boys on Friday. As draining as it is for you, you can be proud that no matter how difficult the twat has made it for you, you have always done the best by your children. That says a lot for you.

I think that forcing a relationship with a father that clearly doesn't want one, to the point that the OP is so frustrated and upset that she's crying in the car on the way home and "losing it" in front of the children, is doing them more harm than good.

Hi, hope you do not mind an additional comment (I joined this site years ago but have been lurking for the last few days). You sound as if you have bent over backwards to be accommodating and need to consider your own mental health and the fact that your boys will benefit from a stable environment (which you have given them) without all the uncertainty of will he/won't he see them. My DH left when I was pregnant, has never paid a penny in maintenance and I, like you, tried everything to maintain contact with him and DD (who is 18 this year) - he lives overseas now and hasn't seen her since she was seven. I ended up turning to drink from sheer frustration. Good luck. You sound like an excellent mother.

Op it sounds like you have done everything possible, and he won't change.

I agree with others, the CSA money belongs to your boys. Leave it in the savings accounts for them, and tell their dad that is where it is staying.

As your boys are old enough, I would leave it up to them to arrange to see their dad, if they so choose. Stop driving around for contact, if their dad wants contact he should be picking them up, especially as he is not paying towards their upkeep.

I wish you all the best, it sounds like you have done a fantastic job of raised your boys on your own.

Wow! You've done your absolute best to make it easy for him to have a relationship... Hes an arse!

Don't give him any money... Makes it look as if you think its wrong that you have it!!

I would also calculate EXACTLY how much money hes ever given you. (600£?). Then also work out how much he owes you over the years.

Then if ANYONE starts bad mouthing you... Just smile sweetly and say summat like ;

"I have gone beyond whats reasonable to make him take an interest. The last straw was when he wanted me to constantly deliver the boys to him. To add to this, I have been paying for the boys up keep for years. He shirks this. He has given me 600 £ of the five and half thousand he owes them (or whatever)that the law says he should be giving to support his sons."

Yes, your own sanity comes first!

You don't need any more crazy making.

Give yourself permission to focus on your life and your boys now.

What an awful situation, sounds as though you have gone above and beyond to try and sort contact out. I don't think there's anything more you can do! Leave it with him and I bet he won't even bother. Your boys will appreciate your efforts and see their useless father for what he is.
You sound like an excellent mum, I don't think there's anything else you can do.
Good luck with it all.

YANBU....However without you kicking him up the backside you may never hear from him again.
It's all about the kids after all.
To be honest...sometimes all the trying hangs a darker cloud over your life than actually not having a "dad".
Sometimes it's better to be at peace with it and enjoy life to the fullest. I'd give back the measly CSA and move forward with my boys and focus on helping them cope with their loss. They will be okay if it's dealt with properly. Because lets face it - your XDH has no intentions of being a father it sounds.

Fuck him. He's no father. All the toing and froing is more harmful imo to your boys than never seeing the waste of skin. Forget him. Build your life with your children and let him fade away. He's unlikely to make any effort.

I wouldn't facilitate anything. He's only ever going to let them down even when you do facilitate. If he wants the privilege of his children, he has to work for it.

I've been there. Bent over backwards with nothing in return. As soon as I stopped making the effort, things changed. Don't force someone to have a relationship with your boys, they don't deserve it. They deserve a relationship with someone who gives a shit.

What do your boys think? Do they still want to see him, do they have a old time when they are with him?

I agree with others that they are old enough to be decision makers in this as well - if they really want to see him then i guess you have to continue for a few more years, or they can travel up and he can pay. If they can see him for the arsehole that he is, then you have done all you can and yes, I would just leave it now.

I have to say though, you sound like a fantastic mum, your boys are very lucky!

*good time

DO NOT give him any money back.
The fact that you have worked and put aside the equivalent of what he should be paying in suppost of his children doesn't mean he has any rights to the money. Its for your kids. I agree
In this country we expect non residential parent to contribute to the upkeep of their children, the fact that he doesn't care or won't see them does not mean he can sidestep obligations.
CSA or whatever it is all the way from now on. You didnt make the law that says he should support his children.

Next You are not stopping contact. HE is.
He has the ability to phone, skype, write letters, emails. He chooses not to.
I mean how much effort would it take him to ping off an email,saying hi, what you been up to this week?
You have been a good mum going out of your way to make sure your boys see their dad but there is only so much you can do when it is so one sided and the father is making no effort at all. Dont listen to anyone saying otherwise.
Make yourself a gmail account and give him that as point of contact with you. Keep it only for discussing the kids. Bet it stays empty from his part.

Then block him on phone and other email

My best friend has an arse of an ex like yours. She bent over backwards trying to maintain contact. He saw it as a power play getting her to jump whenever he wanted.
You can do without the abuse

Yanbu at all. STOP this right now!!! Stop bending over backwards, and being a doormat to this man. It is obvious he is not I terested in a relationship with his ds, he is the father, sit back and let him make the effort and to tooing and frowing. Too bad if his car is broken, he will have to find another way.

Exactly rat, stop making an effort, he is the father, he has equal responsibility. Don't give him a penny, that's your kids money, that he owes them. He's got contact details, sit back and do nothing, balls in his court.

Yes the boys might want to see him, but they will soon get the measure of him, if he makes no effort on his part.

I guess that you feel a bit guilty that it's you that moved the boys further away, hence the "obligation" you feel to bring the boys to him. However, the reason you had to move in the first place was becasue he wasn't paying his part.

Also, do you think that if the boys were round the corner he would really make that much more effort?

Sounds like he is one of those people that blames everyone else for his own shortcomings. I agree that it's not about you cutting contact, it's him. he has plenty of ways he can contact the boys he just chooses not to use them. He could ask you to put them on transport (bus/train) and he could pick them up at the other end. It wouldn't be entirely unreasonable (if he wasn't such a git) if he is truly on his uppers, to ask you to pay half the cost of the transport. That's an offer you could make in writing that would show how much you are willing to facilitate contact.

What he then does is down to him.

Walk away. Walk away fast. Don't look back.

I think it costs more than £600 to raise two kids for years. So walk away with the money for your kids, as well.