AIBU to wonder what you do when a couple can't come to an agreement? Cleaning related.

[Uhplistrailer]

I'm posting here as opposed to Relationships because... well... they're a bit scary over there. I definitely don't want to LTB!

I posted last week about wanting to get a cleaner.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2338371-WIBU-to-secretly-hire-a-cleaner?pg=2

I talked to DP about it, and he said he'd give me an answer after the weekend. He said he can do more and said that if i took the kids out of his way he'd clean the house from top to bottom the next day. That never happened, even though we were home without much to do and he did no more housework than he'd normally do over the weekend.

'I'll tell you my answer after the weekend' turned out to be 'I've made up my mind already, but i just can't be bothered to have a conversation about it now.' and he said no again yesterday, even though i pointed out i'm taking on more work soon, the cleaner is actually 5 quid a session less than i initially thought it would be, are really flexible, so if we didn't need it one week, we wouldn't have to pay and saying that we could just trial it and if it doesn't work out we'd stop.

Thing is, i totally understand that he doesn't want to spend the money, i don't really either, but i think it would make us happier and more relaxed, and if it doesn't work out, then we let it go.

So, what do we do now? DP isn't willing to do the work and doesn't understand why it needs doing, i don't have time to do the work and he doesn't want to get someone else in to do it.

Any suggestions?

Off the top of my head, the only thing I can think of is to make a list of things you want doing and split them. I have to admit, having read your other thread I am in agreement with your DP - BUT, he should have talked to you about this and not just ignored it.

Can you convince him to have a one off spring cleaning? Maybe that will help him see reason.

It sounds like you are doing too much, from reading the other thread. You work almost the same hours yet you do most of the cooking and the cleaning. Something has to give.

Firstly I would get a sense check to make sure your standards aren't just too high. You say your partner can't see why you need the extra cleaning and, from seeing you describe all the cleaning you do, I think maybe he has a point. You do at least three hours a day yourself and you both do more at weekends, but you still think it's not clean enough?

If you really do need more cleaning, I would write a list of the daily cleaning chores and the weekly / monthly, and ask him to work out how you're going split it 50/50 (or 60/40 since he's out of the house slightly longer, if you want). If he won't agree to that and stick to it I would just go ahead and hire the cleaner, he can't really moan about that.

Well you could ask why he gets to decide and not you. But then that argument can easily be reversed.

Invest an hour or two in drawing up a list of jobs. Identify frequency and average duration. Print it out, and tell him that he may have first dibs on selecting which jobs he will do up to 50% of the overall time needed. Or, you can trial the cleaner idea.

If you need to, point out that it comes across as a cop out when he says that he doesn't see the necessity of the jobs.

I would get him to agree to a cleaning roster (by task eg you take bathrooms he takes vacuuming etc) then get a cleaner to do your tasks. He can choose to do his own housework if he likes.

From reading your other thread, it does seem like you have very high standards? You're getting two hours earlier every weekday to do housework and you say it's still not done - honestly, how much housework is there left after you've spent two hours a day on it?

You both work during the day so housework needs to split fairly evenly down the middle. Decide what needs to be done everyday (load dishwasher and washing machine, clean kitchen, hoover...maybe tidy up where you work) and split it. It's only fair that you clean up after your mindees, but surely DP can stick a load of washing on and wipe down the kitchen? It doesn't exactly take hours. This morning I put laundry on, did the dishes/wiped the sides, put a load of laundry away and it took me barely 20 minutes.

Big things like cleaning the bathroom, changing the beds or whatever, need to be done together at the weekend. But they shouldn't take long at all. Cleaning the bathroom (if done regularly) shouldn't take more than 15-20 minutes, for example, but it does need to split fairly between you. In our house, DP does the bathroom and I do the kitchen - that works for us, but you need to find something that works for you, AND that's fair.

The part where he promises to clean the house from top to bottom, and then just doesn't sounds very 'passive aggressive' to me

Tell him you're doing a two week trial of a rota (and patronising chart stuck to the fridge) to see if it is possible to get a better handle on what needs to be done, and if after that trial, it isn't better, you are hiring the cleaner.

If he doesn't like the idea of a cleaner, he needs to make the two week trial work

Just read your other thread and wondering, if it's your business, where cleanliness and tidiness are important, and potentially a cost to be offset to your business, why does your DP get the deciding vote? Does he incur expenses in getting to work? My DH doesn't like spending money he regards as unnecessary, so in situations like this I present it to him - why I think it necessary, advantages to the family, ways I can make the money up in other places. Last year I cut my mobile bill by £15 pcm, car and house insurance by £20pcm and shopped at Aldi when possible. I ended up saving over £50 a month. Which I then spent on something else

I think i was perhaps unclear on that bit, i get up earlier on weekend days to clean.

I wouldn't say my standards are that high, but i like the house to be dust free, clean floors and clean bathrooms. That has to be the case for me to be able to have other people's children in my home. It was really only those things that i want to hire a cleaner for, the rest we usually find the time to do. We do a lot of messy play, so i'll often do a quick clean up after the activity and have to clean it properly later on.

I said i could write some of it off as a tax expense, but as that won't really be beneficial until the next tax year, he wasn't interested.

We've tried cleaning rotas so many times, but i guess we could give it another go. He might be more motivated if i said it's this or getting a cleaner.

If a lot of the cleaning needs to be done due to your business, could it not come out of your profits as opposed to the household budget? So before you pay yourself, take out x amount per month for cleaning expenses. Maybe it would go down a bit better if he didn't feel like he was cleaning up after your mindees?

Having read your other thread I have to say, bugger coming to an agreement, just hire a cleaner.

You are a childminder, your home is also your place of work, it NEEDS to be clean and tidy or you will lose business. There is no choice in the matter. And for that reason, that he would be happy if the house was untidy and dirty is totally irrelevant - it needs done, he won't do it, you have enough on your plate and a cleaner is the only solution.

Put your foot down! If he really doesn't want to spend the money than he can get off his arse and DO HIS SHARE. Not leave you with everything to do, including what he agrees to do but then doesn't.

I think you may have been too reasonable with him. Maybe getting angry with his behaviour would get better results.

Your home is also your place of work. You don’t see me (or him!) staying past 17:00 to clean up after clocking off in our workplaces, so why should you? I would consider it one of the overheads of the business which enables you to work from home (and provides him with free childcare presumably) and tell him that it’s happening.

Well, I can fully appreciate it's difficult but my hesitation would be hovering around the fact that just over £20,000 p/a is a low income and whilst I am very sympathetic to the issues the OP talks about I have to admit I think paying for someone to do cleaning on that sort of income is really a very luxurious item indeed.

Of course, you would be absolutely entitled to have that luxury if BOTH were in agreement but you're evidently not.

In fairness, it doesn't sound as if you're living in a pigsty but I could be wrong. I find with children maurading around it's more tidiness than cleanliness anyway!

Ah. Right. Just do it.

I'd stop doing anything for him- washing his clothes, cooking for him etc. it's quite a tough line to take, but his attitude is awful. Doesn't want to pay for help,won't step up himself- he's assuming you will do it all. It smacks of disrespect for you.

?He wants you to be in no doubt that domestic work is the woman's burden ?