Its a wedding one. I'm so sorry.

[EatDessertFirst]

I had a thread on here a while ago about SIL issuing engagement party invites with 'no present ideas yet!'. I know general MN attitudes to weddings but I just want a spread of opinions.

DP and I and my B and future SIL are arranging our weddings at the same time. Complete opposites. Ours will be small, family/child friendly, afternoon reception, over by 8pm cheap and cheerful. SIL is planning theirs as the complete opposite, lavish, no kids, huge, all night party kinda thing. No issues with this, horses for courses etc etc.

The issue surrounds SILs expectations of me. She is expecting me to be a bridesmaid. No problem with that. But I have to buy my own shoes and accessories. She is also expecting a huge weekend away in a spa hen-do. Already, I'm being tagged in resort adverts on Facebook. Are these kind of things the norm now?
I've never been involved with planning a wedding of any kind so please forgive my ignorance. As we are currently planning for, and paying every penny for every aspect of our own wedding, I just can't justify spending £££'s on SIL 'demands'.

My AIBU is would IBU to just step down graciously from being a BM? The chances are I couldn't afford the hen night. I may be able to do the shoes if they are not too much. I desperately don't want to upset her but we just don't have the money to splash out.

I await your honest opinions.

I don't think YABU at all. If your SIL wants you to go/buy all this stuff, then she should pay. I somehow don't think she'd see it that way though. I certainly wouldn't stress about the expenses of someone else's weddibg if I was holding back on my own. (We had a modest wedding).

Congratulations on your engagement . I think the best option is to be honest with SIL. Tell her you're honoured to be her BM but the reality is that you're skint paying for your own wedding. Leave it to her to decide whether you quietly step down or be a BM but don't go on hen party/buy expensive accessories.

Hope you get it sorted.

Not at all unreasonable. I would just calmly and concisely explain that you do not feel you can fulfil all the duties expected of you, and will attend as a guest. Clean and clear cut.

Trust me, you will be glad to get out now. It sounds expensive!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Could you tell her that because you know she wants the whole champagne-and-roses-bridesmaid-dancing-attendance-on-her experience you think that it should be a bridesmaid who isn't caught up trying to organise a wedding of her own? That might come across to her as you acknowledging that the "honour" should go to someone who can take the job as "seriously" as it deserves

Thank you both for replying. The plannings of both are at the very early stages so stepping down would be easier now. We already moved our wedding forward so it wouldn't clash (be within the same few months) with theirs due to the stress and financial hardship it would cause. I'm going to have to woman-up and tell her.

Tell her exactly what you've told us. That you definitely won't be able to afford the hen do and that you're worrying about how to afford shoes etc, and that you are very flattered to be her bridesmaid, but feel a bit like you'd be letting her down by being so skint, and would she prefer to have someone else? Put your cards on the table from the start..

Cross-post JustHavin. Excellent point about 'honour' thing.

YANBU

Just apologise and tell her you can't afford it.

Say to her that you are really excited about being bridesmaid, but you won't be able to go on the hen party because you have your own wedding to pay for. You won't be able to pay for the shoes because you've got your wedding shoes to pay for (could you pay for the shoes? How much are they? Could you use them again?).

If she is not happy about these conditions, you could then agree that it would be better if you weren't a bridesmaid. Do it face to face. Don't then have a really expensive hen party!!

Hope you and sil have lovely weddings, good luck.

Just scared to message/call her! She is very used to getting her own way! She is lovely in every other way.