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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a church wedding?

28 replies

Sweetpea01 · 07/04/2015 15:38

Not relevant to me just yet really until next year but my friend recently got married in a church. She doesn't have a particular faith but it was where her in-laws wed.

I am an atheist and was a bridesmaid at the wedding, I really enjoyed the (CofE) service, I thought the hymns and words spoken were really lovely and actually shed a tear! Grin The building was gorgeous and I love these types of buildings.

So IABU to really, really, reaaaaaaally want to get married in a church at my wedding next year? What with me being a brazen heathen Easter Grin

If it helps, DP has the faith Wink

OP posts:
FluffyMcnuffy · 07/04/2015 15:39

I think it's direspectful to marry in church if you're an atheist.

gymboywalton · 07/04/2015 15:39

not unreasonable at all

everyone has the right to be married in the parish where they live

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 15:40

Go for it, why not?

I love a church wedding!

PinkFondantFancy · 07/04/2015 15:40

I think it's a bit hypocritical if you don't believe in any of it but lots of people seem to do it

OinkBalloon · 07/04/2015 15:42

Why not, if the service is meaningful to you?

Greenteandchives · 07/04/2015 15:44

Definitely not unreasonable. Sounds like it would be immensely meaningful for you, especially with your own choice of words and music, and surely that's what it's all about. Be prepared for pre wedding meetings etc with the vicar....

fredfredgeorgejnr · 07/04/2015 15:46

Tell the vicar, if he agrees (and he will...) enjoy! Just don't lie about it, that would be disrespectful, nothing disrespectful about doing it.

Original poster
Sweetpea01 · 07/04/2015 15:47

I am a bit of a strange atheist I guess, I really enjoy hymns (yes, this was inspired by that thread Grin ) and biblical stories. I tell them to my children, though we regard them as just that, lovely stories.

I really enjoy the depth of the service as opposed to registry office weddings I've been to. I know DP would like a religious ceremony.

OP posts:
HeyMicky · 07/04/2015 15:48

There's a middle ground - we had a civil service and then a blessing service.

So I didn't declare my marriage in front of God which I thought would be hypocritical, but DH and all the parents appreciated we had incorporated their faith and we got all the hymns and the sermon. We had both in a gorgeous venue, I got to choose two processionals and everyone was happy.

sparechange · 07/04/2015 15:48

I don't see anything wrong with it. Churches are civic buildings which have received enormous tax breaks by claiming they provide a public service. Let them provide it! You have a right to be married in your parish church...

Jewels234 · 07/04/2015 15:50

YANBU. Though expect to have to put in more work to get married there. So I've had to do 6 visits in 6 months, 2 marriage preparation days, and 2 days of hearing bans read.

ErrolTheDragon · 07/04/2015 15:54

So long as the CofE is the State church, YANBU. They're obliged to provide this service to parishoners. If you look on the CofE website they make it perfectly clear that they welcome all (well, straight first-timers anyway).

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 07/04/2015 15:55

We had a beautiful church wedding and are atheists. Vicar was fine. No classes or hurdles.

If god only welcomed the converted that would be a tad silly. One of your guests might see the light. Who knows. The church charges you anyway so it's a win win.

I love hymns and prayers too and the ritual. Why not.

Original poster
Sweetpea01 · 07/04/2015 15:56

Ooh I wasn't aware that I'd have a right to marry in a CofE church!

That's interesting Jewels, I'd probably quite enjoy all that tbh Smile

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 15:57

What would worry me is the actual vows. It was very important to me that DH and I were promising things that we meant. I couldn't have had religious vows for that reason.

StrawberryCheese · 07/04/2015 15:59

It depends how comfortable you are declaring your marriage in front of God. Personally DH and I would have felt that our marriage was beginning with a lie if we had done this. But if your DP is Christian and you are open minded then it's up to you (and the vicar).

We had a humanist ceremony, it was lovely Smile

Merse · 07/04/2015 16:04

Exactly what MrsTerryP said

trulybadlydeeply · 07/04/2015 16:06

For a brazen heathen you seem very keen on all the religious bits! Ah, the Lord works in mysterious ways... Grin

Original poster
Sweetpea01 · 07/04/2015 16:11

Haha quite true trulymadlydeeply !

I feel I have a great respect for religion and actually, would love to believe. However sadly my mind just cannot grasp the idea or presence of a God. Grin

OP posts:
FluffyMcnuffy · 07/04/2015 16:14

I stand by saying I think it's disrespectful. I do think it's disrespectful to sing hymns and say prayers when you don't believe because it's "nice".

But then again I am bitter as a church going lesbian who wasn't allowed to marry in my church.

MrsUrquhart · 07/04/2015 16:15

It's fine as long as you don't object to the fact that there will be a significant religious element to it! Sounds stupid but some people don't think of it and then get annoyed when they're not allowed to have absolutely everything the way they want it. You have a right to get married in your parish church, but not any church.

FrancesHB · 07/04/2015 16:22

I'm an atheist who got married in church. It meant a lot to my husband and his family and I wasn't that fussed - it got the job done without upsetting any family members.

If I was marrying again I wouldn't marry in church unless it meant a lot to my partner.

Original poster
Sweetpea01 · 07/04/2015 16:23

The church I'd want is the nearest to our home and is where I was christened as a child MrsUrquhart Smile

I don't mind (and would quite like) the traditional religious vows, because a part from the God element for myself I know it would mean a lot to DP - which has probably swayed me quite a bit, as I previously wanted to get married in our local Town Hall (not registry office, the venue part) in a civil ceremony.

OP posts:
MrsRossPoldark · 07/04/2015 16:34

As a Christian I suspect the vicar will be more than happy. As previous posters said, it is your right for you to be able to marry in a church. From a religious pov, I guess the vicar would hope that a spiritual setting could always convert you or produce a religious experience if not a conversion, but who knows! The church is always open to it.

From a purely legal PoV, what's most important is that you are declaring your vows in public - that's why you need witnesses in a registry office wedding. You can't legally marry in private.

Go for it! Enjoy those hymns & absorb the messages from the biblical readings you choose. Even if you're not Christian, they have so much meaning & teaching to give you as you start married life.

Good luck! X

ErrolTheDragon · 07/04/2015 16:40

Actually, it doesn't even have to be your parish church - there's a list of criteria here.

I found the bit from the CofE website:
'As long as it's legal, you’re welcome to marry in the Church of England whatever your beliefs, whether or not you are christened and regardless of whether you go to church or not. It’s your church, and we welcome you!'

Hope you and your TBDH have a lovely day. Smile