Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to give me birthday presents months in advance?

22 replies

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 10:45

Consequently leaving me nothing to open on the day?

DH gave me my birthday present this year, right after New Year. It's my birthday in a few weeks. Don't misunderstand - it was a good present I'd been thinking of buying for myself as a treat anyway, & I've used it a lot. But I could have managed perfectly ok without it (it's an "I fancy" item rather than a needed item, IYSWIM). I did ask him, before he bought it, to wait until my birthday to give me it, so I'd have something to open. He made me feel so guilty & ungrateful that I backed down & accepted it.

He does this every year. He's already planned & picked out my Christmas present & next year's birthday present. I suspect he'd have bought them already if he had the money. It just seems like it's all about his fun in giving me them, rather than giving me something because it's what I want. (And no I don't do the same. He gets his presents on his birthday and he gets some things he's asked for & some surprises.)

Maybe I should stop being ungrateful & just be glad that he cared enough to get me something nice? I don't know. I'm feeling a bit low at the moment anyway and maybe I'm overthinking this.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 07/04/2015 10:47

Don't open them, keep them til your birthday in the wardrobe/cupboard Smile

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 10:50

He made me feel so guilty & ungrateful that I backed down & accepted it.

Is he usually such an arse?[ confused]

He's already planned and picked out your Christmas and next years b/day presents, this is utterly bizarre but then you already know that.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 10:51

How does he know what you even want next year?

Original poster
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 10:56

Laurie - I did think of keeping it in a cupboard & not opening it, but it's electrical goods so I needed to check it all worked. Several different items, some from third parties. Bless him, he spent a long time picking it all out - I'd have felt awful if I'd left it until my birthday, then to open it & find out something was wrong & be unable to return it.

SanDiego - I wouldn't say an arse. Financially incontinent! As are his parents. He/they absolutely cannot see they value of waiting for anything, ever. They want something, they get it, to hell with the consequences. I wasn't brought up like that & find it very difficult.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 11:00

You've told him you don't like this and want to receive the gifts on your birthday yet he has continued to ignore your feelings and is showing no signs of stopping either.

You're not overthinking this.

Original poster
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 11:02

SanDiego - he's good at listening to comments I make about stuff I need. Not hints I drop - eg my watch is on it's way out so he's going to get me a new one. I'd really like a proper food processor, like a Kenwood, so he's looking at those. Not low value items, but they are the sort of thing that I could feasibly manage without (or just buy a cheap watch).

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 07/04/2015 11:04

My family do something similar. They buy something months in advance and you get it not wrapped up or anything, usually handed to you in the shop while they loudly pay for it and announce so everyone can hear, and telling the check out person that it's a gift for you while you stand like Blush and everyone looks on with a 'i don't give a shit, just hurry up and get out of my way' face.

ActingBusy · 07/04/2015 11:10

I get what you mean with this.

My DH used to do something kind of similar which really irritated me - he'd buy me something (which I didn't know about) and then tell/show it to everyone... friends, family, work colleagues, next door neighbour's dog, before he gave it to me.

It took the shine off our engagement a bit when I was telling people our news and showing off my engagement ring and they were like "yeah, DH showed it to me last week, it's very nice, congratulations".

The thing is, when I asked him why he kept doing it, and told him that it bothered me, he stopped doing it.

Ignoring your wishes and then making you feel guilty and ungrateful is not good, but you know that already.

Original poster
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 11:16

I will tell him (after my birthday) that I'd like him to give me things on the day, rather than before. If I do it now, he'll buy me something else, which isn't what I want - I'm not greedy & he's not stingy. We are on a low income though, and I don't want him spending his fairly limited available money, on an extra present for me. (Which he would - financially incontinent.)

OP posts:
notsmartenough · 07/04/2015 11:44

My mother used to buy herself something, usually a cardigan or bag then decide she didn't like it. She would offer it to me and if I said ok, she would then tell me that i could have it for my birthday/Christmas.
No - it's not much fun if you want to open the present on your birthday, but at least there's a fair chance you will receive something that you actually wanted!

Original poster
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 11:46

That's terrible smartenough!

OP posts:
BlackNoSugar · 07/04/2015 11:55

Have you asked him how he'd feel if he had nothing to open on his birthday? I wonder if he's all about the 'giving' and not actually thinking about your 'receiving', if that makes sense?

Dosydoly · 07/04/2015 12:07

Stillstayingclassy bit of an overreaction there, you'll be suggesting she needs to LTB in a minute!! My husband does this but then forgets I've already had a present and buys something else so I can't advise but I'm watching with interest.

Original poster
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 12:19

BlackNoSugar - worried if I do that, he'll take it as a request for additional gifts. Which I don't want! It just all seems to be about him buying me stuff! Of course he then has no money & I have to pay for all the normal boring stuff but that doesn't get the same kudos as a fancy present.

Maybe he will get me something else. He has a couple of times because he's seen something extra at the last minute (we've been together over a decade) but I usually get my present anything from a few months to a week early. I've tried putting it aside & saying I want to open it on my birthday but I get the hurt looks & he says he thought I would like it early. NO I BLOODY DON'T!

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 12:29

Dosy over reaction where? Hmm

OP doesn't want a birthday present 4 months in advance of the actual day yet her dh gets miffy and makes her feel ungrateful so she backs down, would you be happy with that?

For the record, I've never suggested to anyone to ltb.

BackforGood · 07/04/2015 12:34

Well I think it's lovely that he gives you gifts as and when he "sees something and thinks of you"

dh and I don't generally bother with gifts for each other on our birthdays, as neither of us are "things" people, and it turned into 'thinking of something to give because it is a certain date in the year' rather than 'Oh, dh would really like that, I'm going to get it for him' which we prefer.

Original poster
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 12:54

BackforGood - he does get me good gifts. Thing is, though, we do in fact, do birthdays (supposedly), and he is a very "things" person. If he had unlimited money I've no doubt he'd get me lots of gifts pretty often. But he doesn't have much (and does spend it mostly on frivolous things for all of us) whereas I pay the bills. It just seems like he gets to do all the "fun" spending and he gets to dictate everything around it. This was in fact, somethjng I was going to save up & buy for myself, but I couldn't because I have to pay the bills. Maybe if he paid some of the bills I could have afforded it.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 07/04/2015 13:00

Well, that's then taking the discussion into a whole different question, of why you are paying all the bills whilst he uses his money only for fun and frivolous things - nothing to do with when you get a gift at all.

Original poster
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 07/04/2015 14:21

Because until fairly recently he had no income at all & I paid for everything. He's not stingy with his money, buys takeaway, pays for the odd day out etc (which we couldn't previously afford) but it does seem a bit like he gets to do the Disney stuff & I do the boring/RL stuff.

OP posts:
Charlesroi · 07/04/2015 14:51

Oh. That's not good.
He's maybe just seeing his new income as extra money and I think you have to explain the household budget to him (i.e. it's extra money for ALL of you). It still doesn't excuse him playing Lady Bountiful with it though.
I think I'd tot up the monthly bills (include all expenses like cars, repairs, furniture, holidays), divide them up proportionately so you have equal 'piss it up the wall' money and say that's what we've got to spend on ourselves and gifts. Doing the grand gestures and not paying a fair share of the bills is no longer an option.

Qwebec · 07/04/2015 15:02

You need to talk to him about sharing the bills.
For the gift giving, if you already talked to him about it and he persists, maybe you can just accept thats how he likes to show you he loves you? If it really distubs you a lot talk to him about it again,

My DP in 6y has only been able to keep a secret about what he planned for me once. He just can't. He gets so excited and then he frets in case I won't like it, in the end he spills the beans. Now I find it sweet, not so much in the beginning.

crazykat · 07/04/2015 16:07

Yanbu. It's lovely that he likes buying you things but rubbish that he gives them early. Giving you some new boots to replace broken ones you can't afford to replace a couple of weeks before Christmas is one thing but giving 'nice to have' presents months early ruins the gift and the thought behind it.

I'm always excited about giving presents and want to give them early but don't as I know it will ruin it. The only time I have given a present a couple of months early was concert tickets for dh which I couldn't afford to get 'just because' so they were an early Christmas present which he loved.

Have you explained that you love the presents he gives you but that it ruins Christmas and birthdays as you them.have nothing to open on the day?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread