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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To obsess about having a third child?

18 replies

BigBoris · 07/04/2015 09:22

Just that really. I have two, the youngest is 4. I am so happy with them but ever since my youngest was born I have been OBSESSING about having a third child. My DH is absolutely sure that he doesn't want another, and never has done. I thought four years after my DS arrived, I would have got past this broodiness and longing for another but it doesn't seem to go away.

I feel so conflicted though - massive regret about not having a third, but on the other hand, no particular interest in another period of maternity leave. I worry that having another would effectively end my career which I have worked really hard at, but on the other hand, don't know how much I really care. And whether career success even matters that much compared to family. But on the other hand, I know that I don't do well with extended periods at home, I find it a bit boring. I also worry about the financial implications of having three - then on the other hand, know that we'd probably manage. And then I worry about ending my career and my DH having to take the full burden of breadwinning in his stressful job. But then he says that he wouldn't actually mind.

Aaarrgh. WHY do I feel so conflicted? (I do want to acknowledge that I know how very lucky I am to have two). Will it ever go away? Has anyone else been in this situation? Shall I just have another one (I'm 42! Haven't got long to decide!)

OP posts:

championnibbler · 07/04/2015 09:25

Shall I just have another one
You also say your husband is sure he doesn't want another child.

Squitten · 07/04/2015 09:29

How do you intend to have another one if your DH doesn't want any more?

Original poster

BigBoris · 07/04/2015 09:31

Because he has said that if I will be really unhappy without a third, he would go for it. But yes - the fact that he is not keen is obviously a major factor preventing me from doing it! And I would not go ahead without his agreement. It's complicated. Aren't marriages always? But thanks for those replies!

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 07/04/2015 09:40

It doesn't sound to me that having another child is going to improve your life in any way, and if your husband isn't keen I would just stick with your happy family unit.

But, I am not in the least bit maternal and have never been able to understand this obsession with having more children. So feel free to ignore me.

shewept · 07/04/2015 09:43

I can't help, but I can say that mum is 60 and still broody now. She is glad she didn't really, due to personal circumstance and she wouldn't have one now. But she is broody. She just fills it with grandkids.

I am the opposite, have 2 and that's enough. I never get broody.

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2015 09:48

I was in your position a few years ago. We never did have a third. I do regret it but I am no longer 'obsessed' -it's a deep but gentle regret.

My dh also said he would go along with it if I really, really wanted to. But, reluctantly, I decided it wasn't really fair to do this. Was also afraid of bringing a child into the world that he might (deep down) resent - esp as he'd been so happy about the first 2.

shewept · 07/04/2015 09:53

I also think in these situations, how do you know if you have a third, you won't still feel the same?

Genuine question, I can never figure out how people know they will definitely feel different.

Original poster

BigBoris · 07/04/2015 10:25

Thanks so much for all your kind answers to what is I know a not really terrible problem to have.

Shewept, that's such an interesting one - although I do feel strongly at the moment that I definitely wouldn't want four. In fact another thing on the 'con' side is what if I got pregnant and it was twins!

Maybe regrets are an inevitable part of life - and best if they are gentle.

I think that one of the things that confuses me about this is that it's as though I have two sides of my nature - 'mother' and 'work' - pulling in exactly opposite directions. I don't think I anticipated such a conflict before I had children. I suppose in a weird way I think that if I had three the conflict would be over as work would be seriously downgraded. But then, perhaps I would just be miserable and bitter about that. God, I sound like a nutter.

OP posts:

Elisheva · 07/04/2015 10:31

Felt exactly the same as you and had dc3 when dc2 was 4 years old.
Love her to bits, we all do! She felt like a surprise bonus and it felt like our family was complete.
However...she is now 14 months and I can feel the broodiness creeping back again!
I am having to be very strict with myself and think about the potential negatives (expense, bigger car, less time, less sleep, could be twins, could be complications, older kids miss out...) and not about tiny, squidgy little newborns

TheOldestCat · 07/04/2015 10:37

I have never wanted a third and I got broody briefly when DC2 was 4 and about to start school. It was a 'end of one era, beginning of another' I think as I'm not particularly maternal and didn't enjoy parenting at the baby/toddler stage.

Since then I have been fine and actually the logical arguments against having three (more expensive, we'd need to move, time out of work again, age, MH issues, sheer exhaustion as we have no family help etc) didn't sway me. I just don't want another. But sounds like you do and you are just concerned about work and so on. Don't know what to suggest except you talk talk talk some more to DH.

LokiBear · 07/04/2015 10:40

I can't help either. However, you cant control what happens when you get pregnant. You could get pregnant with twins or triplets. Are you prepared for that? What if you still feel broody after 3? Two children and a career sounds pretty perfect to me.

samG76 · 07/04/2015 10:44

We had a 3rd, and was very good for the family dynamic. I'd say go for it, unless you would be incurring major capital expenditure (new house, car, etc...)

hennybeans · 07/04/2015 11:04

My DH was 50/50 for having a third and I really wanted a third so we did. DS is such an integral part of our family now that we can't imagine it without him. I wanted a fourth but DH was absolutely against- so I left it.

Unfortunately, I don't think you can force your DH's hand in this. It's not fair as he would have to parent this child too. Of course he would love your DC, but you just don't know if resentment would creep in and ruin your marriage.

For all the other reasons you give about your career, etc, those wouldn't stop me personally having another. You can always work on your career later in life, and if DH could support everyone financially and would be happy about it, then all the better.

But for your DH not wanting another- I think it has to be a no then.

Jackieharris · 07/04/2015 11:12

Have you sat down and worked out the finances? Ie how much does the older DCs before/after school holiday care cost? Are you paying that now? How much would ft nursery be for a dc3? Can you afford this? Do you get tax credits now? The thread hold is higher for 3dcs especially if you have high childcare costs so do all these calculations first.

I'm pregnant with dc3 after a big gap and in actually very surprised how much in tax credits we'd get if we used ft nursery.

In your situation I'd be worrying about your age. For one you may not be able to get pregnant naturally. Would you go down the ivf/donor route? Then there's the higher risk of abnormalities. Think about if you'd have an amnio and what you'd do if you had a positive result. It's better to discuss these things now than later when there are time pressures.

Eva50 · 07/04/2015 11:18

I always wanted three but dh was happy with two. However when ds2 went to school I became really broody and dh, having forgotton the early years, decided one more wouldn't hurt. It took 4 years and two miscarriages (including a late one with twins) to get ds3 but once I had started I couldn't bear to give up. I was 42 by the time he arrived.

Obviously we all adore him. He is so sweet, funny, clever and adds so much to our family. His baby years were a piece of cake. I had every bit as much energy as I had when the others were babies and much more patience. However over the last few years I have developed some health problems. I have been unable to continue my stressful job and so money is tight and I don't have the energy to do a lot of things with him so feel, in some ways, he misses out. He's now 8 so more independent but I'm so thankful that he wasn't twins or more and also that he doesn't have any s/n's (his brothers do) as I can't see how I would cope now.

I wouldn't swap him for the world but, if I had my time again, I don't think I would make the same choices.

hennybeans · 07/04/2015 11:20

Also, when I start to feel broody, I list all the things that we are just on the brink of being able to do with our family that wouldn't be possible with a baby: going to the Sat morning family cinema, having a semi- peaceful meal in restaurant, a holiday where we don't spend the entire day chasing/ entertaining kids, being able to go out all day without worrying about nap time, going out without a pushchair and bag full of nappies and snacks and toys, going swimming at the pool and not needing more adults to meet the adult/child ratio.

hairylittlegoblin · 07/04/2015 11:24

I was obsessed with having a third too. The really intense part lasted about 3 years. Then it slowly began to fade.

DH absolutely didn't want 3 and in retrospect I think he was right. I find the baby stage really difficult and a third would have put a lot of pressure on us both. I think I liked the idea of a third DC more than the reality which is not a good reason to have a child.

For me it helped to imagine it from DH's point of view. How would I feel if he came home and said he'd really like another so would I mind having sleepless nights, working more hours, having less disposable cash, less time with each DC etc? (I know here are plenty of counter arguments to each of those points btw)

DS is 5 now and I'm glad we stopped at 2. I've only felt that way for about a year and it feels amazing to be at this point because for a long time I thought I'd always feel sad about not having a third. I think it's different for each family but I know when I was obsessed I thought I'd always carry a bit of sadness at not having 3 and just wanted you to know that's not always the case.

Sorry - bit of an essay! We got a dog instead, I'm never broody now and we can leave him with the dog sitter when we go on holiday

VillyCazalet · 07/04/2015 19:45

I feel the same as you OP. Obsessed about having 3 since ds1, he's now 8! We really are at our limit in every way, especially energy-wise but are not being terribly careful and I know I'd be thrilled if I became pg, despite it being a Terrible idea!

It's tricky isn't it, I feel my regrets at not being a mother of 3 (weird way to put it but it's how I feel) would never leave me. I'm a bit like that though, dramatic and melancholy.

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