Unhappy childhood, scared I'll end up like my passive aggressive mother, please read & advise:(

[indiana7]

I have 2 dd's I adore so much they are both 2 & under. My childhood was very hard grew up in the 80s without much money. My mom worked very hard as a nurse & my dad worked in a minimum wage job. My Nana minded me alot of the time. Growing up I was never told I was able enough, loved, pretty or good at anything. I was just snapped at, critisiced, pushed away or made to feel like a burden. I acted up to get attention... At school I never tried as my family believed only "big shots" like solicitors kids etc stood any chance of achieving anything & before my exams my father told me " I would end up sweeping the streets".....
My mom would constantly react to anything I would do as a child, often pretended to run away & leave me, told me I was nothing, blatently preferred my older sister & she still does as did my father... I now have crippling self esteem issues, social anxiety & I never did achieve anything great even though as a child I had plenty of ambition & truely believed the world was my oystersad
I am so scared I will end up like my mom, I am not as affectionate with my children, I can be emotionally distant, lack empathy & tend to overreact to the usual toddler anticssad My 2 year old dd is going through a hitting phase & I am blaming my parenting, I honestly think I'll end up like my mother, How do I break the cycle? Even with dh I hugely over react to the slightest thing, I turn into a monster like my mom used to & also to my dd's I terrify myself not to mind them.... All I want is for them to have a happy childhood & not to project my own anxieties onto them. My mother had a huge inferiority complex which I inherited & it has held me back so much in life, I am so scared of my dd's turning out like me in return

I think you need you need to get some counselling so you can start to deal with your issues.

You can see the cycle is repeating itself so that is a start.

I am always constantly careful how I behave or how I phrase things with my DC as I don't want to be my mother.

I wish I could be more helpful but I do hope someone more knowledgeable will be able to help more

I think you need to distinguish between the kind of parenting you experienced and were affected by - which had an understandably big impact on you - and ideas of 'turning into your mother' or 'inheriting' traits, as if there's some inalterable cycle you're inevitably locked in to.

I had a miserable childhood in many ways, and my father and mother were poor parents with zero expectations for me - but I'm a completely different person, who has had completely different life experiences. I'm completely unlike my mother as a parent. I think about how she would have handled things and act differently. I think it sounds as if you would benefit from counselling to talk through the impact of your childhood, and your anxieties about repeating behaviour.

You're not going to end up like your mum because you can identify exactly where she went wrong and do the opposite - tell your kids how great they are and how much you believe in them. You might have one or two slip ups where you automatically fall back into that learned behaviour but if you can see where the problems are, you can make a conscious effort with it, which it sounds like you're already doing.

One of my parents came from an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household, and they made a conscious decision not to parent like their parents. There were occasional slip ups but broadly they managed it and so will you. You are already doing much better than your mum because you are worried about whether you're doing it right, you're caring.

You and I could have been siblings. My mother loved using the phras and'people like you were born to keep other people up', eg other people wI'll succeed because you're shit. I've personally had a hard time telling a counselor about it, because she conditioned me to think she was right, and if I told about the abuse (it was physically as well), I'd destroy our family. I feel sick just writing this, she still has a hold even though she can hurt me anymore.

I'm sorry I'm not much help. Just remember, you are not your parents. You take what they taught you, and do the opposite. Please try and get some form of counseling as well, don't let them have a hold on you your entire life .

I never tried as my family believed only "big shots" like solicitors kids etc stood any chance of achieving anything & before my exams my father told me " I would end up sweeping the streets"…..

Is there more to that sentence? Like what he actually said was 'You never seem to try at school and if you don't make more of an effort with your exams you'll end up sweeping the streets' ?

Which would be a bit different, wouldn't it?

Thanks for the replies, much appreciated.
No, my father drank quite a bit, told me on a daily basis I wasn't nearly as clever as my older sister & I was sat on the couch trying to cram before an exam & he sneered & said you're going to end up sweeping the streets like X(a lady who lived in our town), I can still feel to this day how humiliated & worthless he made me feel that night, tears welling up now:(

My mum went through a situation like your own, but she never stops trying and loves me anyway, no matter how much we fight or argue. You sound like a lovely person and know what to avoid, don't doubt yourself and be a little kinder to yourself as well. Speak to a counsellor and don't dwell on two people who didn't deserve you.

You have insight into your issues this really positive. Make sure you tell your children how much you live them and try and count to ten if you feel your anger rising. I say this as someone with a terrible temper who has managed to curb it since having kids. Finally some kind of therapy will help. Good luck you can change these patterns.

I agree with everything that's already been said. Just wanted to add that if you say or do something that you feel bad about, one thing that has helped me a) with the guilt/worry I'm like my mother and b) help my kids is to remember/imagine how I felt/would have felt as a child in the same situation and then ask my son and then see what he's feeling and if it's bothers him, to apologise.

So, say I shout. When I've calmed down I ask DS, "Were you frightened when mummy shouted?" He says yes. "I'm sorry for shouting. Mummy didn't want you to [insert X], because [insert reason], but she shouldn't have shouted."

The reason I do this (or try to) is because my parents never apologised for anything, ever and I think it at least takes the edge off my bad moments of parenting. However, clearly it's not a solution and I've had counselling to help understand why I blow up or snap at small things. It's really helped.

Thanks so much, I will definitly look into counselling, I want my dd's to have a fun,loving mother & a fun childhood not worrying about my reactions to everything.
Even now my sisters children are always the favourites as is my sister. Nowadays my mother who is 73 tries to antagonise me to start an arguement, I always rise to the bait & she tries to lay the guilt trip on talking about when "she's dead & gone" & how she has no will made etc... Emotional blackmail....

Have you thought about stepping away and winding down the contact with your mum?

I just want to encourage you really. You sound like a loving, thoughtful and sensitive mother. That's who you are. The behaviours that you've learnt from your experiences can be 'unlearnt'. Counselling is a priority. Be kind to yourself. And yes, perhaps trying to distance yourself from your mum (for the time being, until you feel stronger) would be a good idea.

Hi there. I haven't rtft so I don't know if this has been said...but I had a horribly abusive childhood. I use this to remember how NOT to behave with my kids iyswim? X