I'm not being unreasonable, but I need to be sure.

[CuppaSarah]

I nearly posted about this yesterday, but I was too wound up to really. Its another Easter one, but this time it's not about chocolate. Just so as not to drip feed, my sister is nearly 30, has some mh problems but is in a very good patch ATM, so it's not having much of an effect on her behavour currently. Dd is 2.

My sister and mum have some issues respecting my boundaries especially with dd. My sister especially loves to scare dd and wind her till she gets over excited and cries. When I stop this horrible behavour im branded precious and rude, but funnily enough im not going to let out get out of hand. Which resulted in until recently dd screaming and cowering from my sister of she saw her. I minimizer their time together and set out some boundaries with my sister. This seemed to sort thing things out a bit.

Today, we had family round in the afternoon and being Easter, people were giving dd chocolate. Dd was acting cutesy and attention seeking to try and get more chocolate out of people. Nothing rude or naughty, just doing silly dances or playing music. My sister very quickly got jealous of dd and starts copying her. Talking in a baby voice and insisting on sitting on my mums lap even though it was hurting mum.

This jealous behaviour is the norm from my sister so no one bats an eyelid. But thinking back, its quite odd behavoir really. Anyway the final straw, making me think it's time to cut my sister from dds life came at the end of the afternoon as people were leaving. I caught her holding dds hand with her foot at her head, miming kicking her. I then hear her say in her baby voice ' I could kick you! I could just kick you right in the head'

She said this right in in front of everyone. I told her calmly her what she was doing was disgusting and horrible and she did it couple times more looking at me smirking. It was a really scary moment as my sister has physically attacked me before and knowing how she reacts to be told off I had to keep my tone very calm or she might just do it out of anger. After doing it twice more she stopped and left. But showed no remorse, she seemed to find it funny. I don't think I ever want to see her again. I'm disgusted with her. But my family didn't even really seem to notice or be bothered, but this is a grown woman. Threatening a toddler! Its not right is it? My families reaction has me worried I'm over thinking this. But I'm not am I? This isn't right?

Yanbu. She may not be help how she is acting, however that does not mean she should be around your dd. Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn't matter whether people can help it or not. It's not safe to put your child in that position. That's the most important thing at the moment.

No you're not overreacting. Your sister sounds unstable and like she resents your little daughter.
Did you mention it to your parents at all? What did they say?

Yanbu. She's threatening your dd, quite blatently. It's not mucking around (ie I used to say to dd youre so heavy, I'll drop you and tip her upside down. Difference was I was joking and dd thought it was funny too).

I would go no contact with her. She will abuse your daughter and is already testing the waters. If she has mh problems, is she correctly medicated? Doesn't sound like it.

YANBU. Don't let her near your child.

I agree with mummytime that it sounds like there is something else going on, I also completely agree with everyone that you are well within your rights to decide that no contact is the safest route from now on. Best of luck with the rest of the family and their reactions.

Thank you for the support everyone. I'm glad to hear I'm not unreasonable, but so that it's not clear cut like I thought.

YANBU. Go NC with your sister.

"Which resulted in until recently dd screaming and cowering from my sister of she saw her."

Google "little Albert" for an idea of the effect your sister is having on your daughter, and then keep them the fuck apart. This one incident is sufficient reason to.

I agree that it's irrelevant why your sister behaves likes she does her behaviour is frightening and potentially harmful for your DD I wouldn't let her be around her again, I'd also think now about how you deal with the rest of your family as if they minimise her behaviour would they still facilitate access e.g. if your mum was babysitting would she take your DD around to see your sister? It's a real bugbear of mine that on MN some posters seem to think that mental health issues or special needs automatically = no malicious intent or responsibility for the behaviour. The picture is far more complicated than that for some people with severe mental health conditions they may have diminished responsibility for their behaviour or their behaviour may be entirely a consequence of the mental health problem but this is by no means a given. I know lots of people with mental health problems who are excellent parents and would never behave in this way towards a child.

It is never ok to wind up up a child, scare them and make them cry. That is reason alone for not letting her near your dd. It is emotional abuse. Children of that age can't understand sarcasm so their feelings get genuinely hurt. YANBU.

To your response about the other parents not being as tolerable.... That really makes it seem like she fully understands that she can use her MH as a 'get out of jail free card' but again, that would be difficult to be sure of. She might play up for you more for personal reasons completely beyond her control.
Perhaps there are underlying issues she has with YOU so she extends those issues, by default, to your DD?
Were you close as children? What is your age difference? Has her MH held her back in life? While your 'normal' health has let you excel beyond her? Surpass her? Maintain a relationships, work and have children etc?

I'm just thinking out loud as I have little experience.
I kind of feel if she has serious MH issues then cutting her out 100% could be detrimental.
Ensure, if you choose to continue seeing her, that it's only ever in an up cycle of her depression.
Be less tolerable.
Even someone with MH issues can still learn where the limits are.

I assume she is seeking help?

I have a sister. She too has a range of needs which impact on her emotions and behaviour. Growing up, I was on the receiving end of many a violent outburst (as we're my parents and other sibling).

I tried to establish a solid relationship between my sister and my ds when he was little. But I couldn't trust her to not be rough with him and to keep her temper in check. She never actually did anything because I was always there.

So my sister sees my dc about once a year, under strict supervision. She doesn't seem interested in them anyway. I will not expose my dc to the violent outbursts I experienced.

So YADNBU. It's hard but whatever the cause for your sister's behaviour, it is unacceptable around your dd.

I agree you need to keep you dd away from your sister. But can you also talk to your family about getting her some more help? It sounds as if she clearly needs any medication she is on to be reviewed.

littlemiss thank you for your insight. I do think she has issues with me. We have a two year age gap and were very close as children. She was very academic and I was very social. When we were teens our childhood became quite unhealthy. With each of us being in the receiving end of abuse from different parents. I was emotionally and mentally abused by my mother, whereas she feels my dad was emotionally abusive to her. As we never saw what the other parent did, it created tension. She also bece very hostile and violent with me as a teen. So after a while of always supporting her I backed off for my own healths sake. I was a motherly figure for her as a teen. So she probably is very upset my dd has taken that role. She also feels I've had an easier life than her.

She has a really good full time job, great hobby's and loads of friends, but thinks our mum sees me as more successful. Mum does like to play us against each other a bit. But my sister refuses to see it.

Our family situation was a big mess, but after I backed off from them things calmed down. My mother apart from the odd small thing has accepted her issues and is getting better. My sister thinks she has done the same, but has a long way to go sadly. I just want a normal happy family, where dd can safely be alone with them.

YANBU by keeping her away. I'm in a similar situation. In my case it was the in ability of my sibling to stick to age appropriate material when chatting to my children. I have the oldest grandchildren so it's been up to me to draw boundaries. I've found that while my family understand the reasons for keeping my kids away they're not supportive and have invited them anyway. After the last incident where I kicked off at their behaviour and told everyone I wouldn't put up with it they have managed to behave appropriately in front of my children. So I know that they have been using their mental health problems to behave in appropriately.

To be honest it doesn't really matter what her MH problems are, what would have happened if she had actually kicked your daughter in the head? Worst case scenario- death. That fact alone would be enough me to make sure she was never alone with my ds again

From what you have said I think your mother was / is abussive to both of you. Your sister was the "golden child" and you the"scapegoat".

Unfortunately if you don't have a "nice normal" family, however you try isn't going to make that happen.

Maybe read some of the stately home thread, and keep these people out of your life as much as possible. Especially protect your DD from your sister, preferably by no contact.

YANBU. Your dd is your priority.

Yanbu. I'd keep her well away & tbh I would tell your mum exactly the reasons. The fact she behaves around a different child who has parents that don't tolerate it speaks volumes.

With the additional information of childhood abuse and the fact that your mum is still being abusive by playing you two against each other I would say cut your losses and cut these people out of your life.

As PP has said no matter how hard you try your chasing a dream And you can't force change into emotional abusive and manipulative people.

Your mother uses you both as tools in her own game and sets you against each other. You have no idea what gets said when your not there. Throw away comments can have huge lasting impacts on someone mentally and emotionally weak.

Your sister, having learned from your mum, is using your dd as a tool to get to you.

If you really really want your dd to know them then strict supervised visits 2/3 times a year and don't expect to leave the room as it sounds like your family is not capable of safeguarding her against themselves.

Your dd is your priority.

Your DD is your priority. It sounds like the toxic atmosphere is still maintained through your parents and sister and it's not fair to you or your DD.

I caught her holding dds hand with her foot at her head, miming kicking her. I then hear her say in her baby voice ' I could kick you! I could just kick you right in the head'

It was a really scary moment as my sister has physically attacked me before.

my family didn't even really seem to notice or be bothered

I've highlighted those bits because:

She threatened your DD. That in itself is enough to at the very least reduce contact.

She has history of physically attacking you and therefore it is possible it isn't an empty threat.

Your family didn't stop her/pull her up on it. So they can't be trusted to stop her if it happens and you don't see it.

You have more than enough reasons there to not put DD anywhere near her again.

I think the MH issue is a bit of a red herring really. You need to protect your dd from this behaviour, whatever the cause may be.

By brother in law has bi polar and I found he used to behave like this when our children were small. He made no allowances at all for them being kids. He expected them to behave as adults and would often get cross with them if they didn't.
I remember one incident where he hurt another nephew, dropping him on his head for what he perceived as misbehaviour!!!
The kid was fine anyway but I would never have left this guy alone with my kids.
I never blamed him, I assumed it was part of his illness. But I have a responsibility to protect my kids.
I would have to kep away from her if I were you, OP.

I really wouldn't recognise any of those behaviours as being part of Bipolar FoodieToo, some people are just cunts and some of those happen to have Bipolar too.