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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

or is ndn (trivial really)

24 replies

wheresthelight · 05/04/2015 23:19

we bought our house early last year and have slowly been saving up to do work to it that needs doing, we have done some bits to the garden to make it safer for the children especially dd who is 19 months old. eg the previous owners had a strawberry patch and dd is allergic to them, just a splash of strawberry juice brings her out in hives and blister type welts so last summer I dug all the plants out and binned them, dp has used some spare slabs that had been left stacked up by the previous owner to put a bit of a make shift patio in until we are able to have the top end levelled and laid with bark chippings for the kids play equipment to go on. ndn has a clear view of the garden and as soon as I had removed all the plants she started commenting about how the previous owner would be devastated to see what we were doing to her garden. I smiled and and made some platitudes and ignored it. however they have been away this last week and dp and I have made the most of the nicer weather and have started tidying up the garden a bit, there was a nasty half dead conifer in the flower bed at the edge of the garden. it casts a massive shadow and is killing the grass as well as making the patio outside the back door unusable as the scent triggers my asthma. I have cut it down this weekend, no sooner have ndns got back off holiday and seen us out and about and she is commenting again about how devastated the previous owner will be when she finds out we have taken the tree out.

wibu to point out that it isnt the previous owners bloody garden it's ours and if she was so bloody precious about her plants she should have taken the half dead rotten things with her??!

I won't actually say anything because for the most part ndns are very nice and we have no problems with noise and she is very good at keeping her kids quiet if she k ow dp is asleep (he works night). but this constant crap about the previous owner is really annoying me now!!

OP posts:
KatoPotato · 05/04/2015 23:33

All you can do is smile and nod. Maybe a 'haha! Oh well!'

Yanbu

EastMidsMummy · 05/04/2015 23:35

Neither of you is being unreasonable.

PuntasticUsername · 05/04/2015 23:39

YANBU at all. As you say - it's your garden now, you can do whatever you want with it. Nod and smile, nod and smile...

You would be highly UR, however, not to wind NDN up about it at every opportunity. "Oh, the patio is just an interim measure, of course, until we get around to installing the all-weather flashing disco floor".

holeinmyheart · 05/04/2015 23:44

YANBU at all, your neighbour should really keep her tactless opinions to herself shouldn't she?
However, she may be your neighbour for a long time so you have to weigh up how to approach this carefully. Unless you want to start WW3.

You could tell her aggressively as in' why don't you shut the F up' and keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.

Or you do nothing and just rant on MumsNet, as you have. T

Or you could try the following, next time she does it

Dear neighbour, Thankyou for your opinion about my garden but you have said several times now that the previous owners would be devastated by what I am doing. However, your comments make me feel as though you are are not happy with what I am doing. ( there must be an element of truth in this)
I have to make the garden safe for my DC as she has an allergy to strawberry plants and the tree was casting a big shadow over a large part of it. What would you do in the circumstances?

That should shut her up.

However, personally I would say nothing and just keep out of her way. I don't think it is a good idea to get too friendly with neighbours. If you fall out with them it can be devastating.
She has already shown herself to be an opinionated,tactless, annoying person, hasn't she? And you have only been her neighbour for five minutes.
Forty years of her, oh dear!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/04/2015 23:46

who cares what some person you don't even know who used to live there would think? If they didn't want the garden to change they shouldn't have sold it, but they did.

But I agree the smile and nod approach is best. Oh say brightly "oh, well we like it" with a BIG smile.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/04/2015 23:50

I imagine she's having a great time planting up a new garden

Or the Pp about 'we like it' plus big smile.

Whatever your do don't invite comment by telling her about your plans for the space.

And put up a higher fence Grin

wheresthelight · 06/04/2015 00:36

as I said in the op I have no intention of actually drying anything as generally she is lovely. just grates on me that she has to comment every time! and a fence would make little difference as she can see from her bedroom window!

I do like the flashing dance floor thing though so I may keep that for s time when I feel the need to wind her up! Grin

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Welshmaenad · 06/04/2015 00:40

Just say "oh, that's a shame, but we're so excited about putting our stamp on and making it our own!"

Will shut her right up. Only a complete bastard would piss on the dreams of excited new homeowners.

mamapain · 06/04/2015 00:41

A cheery "Oh well, lucky she doesn't live here anymore" would be my stock response.

TBH it sounds more like your neighbour is hinting they don't like the changes, but then she may also just be trotting out some line that has stuck in her head. In the way people will always ask if your hoping for the opposite gender to the child you already have.

A bit irritating but harmless. Just brush her off with a smile.

wheresthelight · 06/04/2015 09:31

Welsh - that's pretty much been my response so far. along with just smiling and saying "oh well". I just find it really irritating that she feels the need to comment. they are a lovely couple and their girls are really sweet so I don't want to rock the boat.

I am not sure how she can't like the changes. we haven't really done much except put some low level fencing up against the hedge to stop the dog and our toddler getting into their garden and taken out a few plants. but maybe she was hoping to raid the strawberries when they ripened?!

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IFinishedTheBiscuits · 06/04/2015 10:05

It is a bit of an odd thing to say... Are you sure she didn't mean it in a different way though: "Last owner would be DEVASTATED" [She always was a total control freak]

Think I'd probably ask "why?" and if answer was that ex-owners' garden was her pride and joy, say she's probably creating herself a new pride and joy in her new home now. (Unless she's in residential care...)
I definitely wouldn't fall out or be rude though.

wheresthelight · 06/04/2015 10:30

Ifinished it has definitely been said in a "the garden is her pride and joy" sort of way. as I have said all along I have no intention of saying anything but just wondered if I was the only one who thought it was a very odd.

OP posts:
Dunkling · 06/04/2015 10:38

YANBU that it is now your garden, but has it not occurred to enter into an actual dialogue with your neighbour? I'm dumbfounded by this. How hard is it really to have said "Oh I can imagine, but DD is allergic to strawberries so they had to go" and "Damn thing triggered my asthma, but it's going to be so much lighter." You know, adult conversation, making friends, being neighbourly.

wheresthelight · 06/04/2015 10:47

dunkling thanks so much for your helpful insight. it had never occurred to me. Hmm

OP posts:
JigsawsAreAllLittlePieces · 06/04/2015 12:25

Maybe NDN has buried a body in your garden and she's worried you'll find it... so she's making comments to put you off. Grin

Neighbours can be annoying but do live next door - I would much rather be on speaking terms with my neighbours even if it is only Hi, nice day etc.

My neighbour in my old house expressed surprise as to why I was taking out an old, dead bush from my front garden "you're taking it out completely?" and planting flowers instead "in a flower bed, how odd?!"

If she continues making comments just say something along the lines of "it's so nice to have a garden this size so we can do x,y and z" bat the comments away.

wheresthelight · 06/04/2015 12:43

jigsaw that has properly made me laugh out loud! Grin Grin Grin

we get on fine I just find her comments a bit odd. Maybe it's just a clumsy way of her trying to find out what we are planning and trying to open a conversation I guess.

her kids have been round today to play with my dd and the slides and swings so she obviously doesn't hate me! Grin

OP posts:
JigsawsAreAllLittlePieces · 06/04/2015 12:49
Grin
Aridane · 06/04/2015 14:58

Don't see why Dunkling has got the response she has, especially as OP doesn't seems to have tried this friendly interaction . . .

Dunkling · 06/04/2015 15:01

Thanks for the Hmm. Though your sarcasm (or needing to post on here than have said conversation) doesn't quite uphold your "it had never occurred to me" repartee, does it? But now it is clear... you're just rude to everyone.

Lweji · 06/04/2015 15:05

From the perspective of someone who had created a lovely strawberry patch before renting out our house, your post did make me a bit sad.
Could you at least have given away the strawberry plants?

Maybe she also feels emotionally attached to the previous garden?

But YANBU in doing whatever you want with your garden. So, just smile and ignore.

SoupDreggon · 06/04/2015 15:10

Don't see why Dunkling has got the response she has

Probably because of the patronising/condescending tone that went with her post.

EveBoswell · 06/04/2015 15:15

I agree with Lweji. I had someone come to do my garden this mroning and I had some flags left over. I asked him if he'd like to have them - perhaps for other clients - and he accepted. I've got rid of a lot of oregano on Freecycle, too. There's always someone out there who'd liek anything.

EveBoswell · 06/04/2015 15:15

...like ...

wheresthelight · 06/04/2015 17:17

lewji to be honest they were rotten as the house had been empty for over a year which makes her comments all the more odd

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