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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that passive calm men are the best?

49 replies

Jacobsmum1973 · 05/04/2015 22:11

Dh is just so easygoing, he literally never loses his temper and dispite rudeness from my attention seeking and extremely difficult mum today he managed to keep his cool.

Is your dh like this or Aibu?

OP posts:

mamapain · 06/04/2015 00:05

No, I don't like this at all.

My DH isn't anxious or a panic pants (I'm aware i sound like an 8 year old but I'm too zonked out to articulate this point like an adult). He is however, not a passive calm man at all. He doesn't get wound up easily, and isn't wandering round bursting into tears, so I suppose is laid back in that respect.

However, he's got a lot of fight in him and a short temper. I love it when he loses his temper as we can have a proper, no holds barred row, I usually feel far better after. I like that he will put his foot down and that he isn't scared of confrontation. You would never see him back away. I find it very attractive.

A friend's husband, will not argue with her, he's too laid back. It irritates her but would be unbearable for me.

Levismum · 06/04/2015 01:12

Passive...calm?
Spent 16 years with a man that fitted that description. Seriously, never had a row or even a decent conversation in 16 years.

Never complained or moaned at me & never ever shouted. He reacted the same when i was talking about our weekly shopping or that our sons were Autistic.

Never supported me but never complained about anything i did or didn't do.

What a waste of 16 years!

justonemoretime2p · 06/04/2015 01:18

I am a male DP I'm quite easy going but more than that I am a living bomb shelter, I can take a lot before I lose my temper but when I do I am very very angry.

CadMaryzCremeEggzAreASwizz · 06/04/2015 01:24

dh is very, very easygoing.

Every so often I push him into having a major row

Seriously, though, easygoing is good; I'm a bit angsty so we'd find it tough if both of us were like that.

justonemoretime2p · 06/04/2015 01:32

CadMaryzCremeEggzAreASwizz - My DP wouldn't do that, would she? WOULD SHE???? Frankly typing your name broke a part of me.

99pokerface · 06/04/2015 08:18

Yuk passive or to put it a diffrent way hen pecked no thanks I like my men with a bit of fight in them

My dear bil is very passive to dear sil and I amfarid he just comes over somone to be pitted and is being builled by dear wife

He has to ask if he can go out like a child i remember the fuss that was made over him going to dh stag do which he nearly didn't attnded

Original poster

Jacobsmum1973 · 06/04/2015 09:54

I can have a conversation with dh though I don't think that reAlly relates to the traits.

OP posts:

HeyheyheyGoodbye · 06/04/2015 10:11

My DH is like this and it's great. I'm a neurotic crankypants so it's brilliant that one of is is remotely reasonable

He's very assertive at work, when we talk about politics, and in the bedroom but the rest of the time he's very happy to go with the flow. He doesn't get upset, offended or angry at things and does a wonderful job of keeping me calmer. I love him. Wish I was more like him, really...I'm an hysterical windbag.

ampersandand · 06/04/2015 10:19

I thought my dp was calm and laid back, turns out he's just lazy...

AnyFucker · 06/04/2015 10:27

I can't stand "alpha men"

we clash, and not in a good way

Icimoi · 06/04/2015 10:31

Up to a point. DH is sort of within that category, and for a lot of the time it's been great. For instance, he was fantastic when my father died, and he takes some things like coping with our elderly mothers' varying degrees of dementia in his stride. Generally speaking, he doesn't panic about anything or overreact. But there have been times when I wish he would show a little more emotion, for example when the dc were born or when I had miscarriages.

shewept · 06/04/2015 10:33

My dh is calm. Especially when dealing with my overly emotional mum. But you couldn't walk all over him and he is passionate.

My dad is very quiet, but has a way of making people pay attention when he needs/ wants them to. Has a very commanding presence, but only when he needs to. In everyday life he is very laid back.

FryOneFatManic · 06/04/2015 10:41

justonemoretime2p Copy and paste the user name, it'll save your sanity

Teeste · 06/04/2015 10:41

My DH is a Zen Buddha, but in no way a pushover, not even by me! He wants what he wants but is pretty easy going when it comes to other stuff and always willing to compromise. There are two things that can annoy him: DIY and parking. He has the amazing (to me) ability to just shrug things off and not let them bother him. He also occasionally lets his inner bitchiness out with an immensely satisfying, laconic and hilarious one liner. He is the rock to my cloud and I wouldn't want him any other way.

liveloveluggage · 06/04/2015 10:51

Going off on a sight tangent, butI admire anyone male or female who can keep their cool with difficult people, I wouldn't say my dh is too bad that way but the best person I know is my boss, a woman. She is excellent with them and I try to copy her manner.

FryOneFatManic · 06/04/2015 10:54

I like calm, but not passive. I like people to have an opinion and also a personality!

Some passive people I have come across seem to have no personality at all. I have wondered if this is down to their upbringing, and perhaps never having the opportunity or permission to express their opinions or preferences, so they've never known how to do this.

CadMaryzCremeEggzAreASwizz · 06/04/2015 11:13

justonemoretime2p, I will change my name back now

ShouldIworryornothelp · 06/04/2015 11:24

I don't like men that are drips

My H is assertive but calm with it, probably why he's good at the job he does. He frustrates me no end with his ability to calmly state his point and stick to it without deviating during an argument. He rarely loses his temper but when he does, and I've only seen it once in all the years ive known him, it's like someone's set off a bomb. Otherwise he's relatively even tempered

hennybeans · 06/04/2015 14:49

After having grown up around lots of men with fiery tempers (my dad, stepdad, best friend's dad), I am so glad my DH isn't like that. I grew up walking on eggshells- not that these men were abusive, but heaven forbid I didn't do my chores exactly right, or turned up the thermostat too high, or was playing too boisterously, or made a mess somewhere, or any number of things. I'd get an earful every time. There was no being reasonable or nicely asking for something to be done.

My stepdad has a habit of losing his keys/ mobile/ glasses. Even now, I just leave the room if he's lost something of his- he ends up losing his temper over it every time.

I wouldn't want a man who is passive and never has an opinion, but I would not want a man who can;t just chill out about things either. Not much at all phases DH. He can ask dc to calmly clean up if they've made a mess, we can discuss things in a reasonable way and he doesn't take offense and get wound up. Yes, I think a calm man is the best.

Sallystyle · 06/04/2015 15:01

My husband is not passive. My ex husband was and it was fucking horrible. He was also so laid back he boarded on being apathetic about everything (god rest his soul). He never got angry or has passionate opinions about anything and it was not nice to live with.

My dh is calm, treats people very well but will not let people walk all over him. Calm, assertive when needed and passionate suits me better.

SpecificOcean · 06/04/2015 15:13

I wouldn't want a man who is a walkover, especially as I am pretty assertive.
DH is mostly calm and pretty stoic, though when things matter to him the passion is just under the surface and he is very opinionated/resolute.
I wouldn't want him any other way, I wouldn't want somebody boiling with rage over nothing nor a meek creature too scared to speak up.
I think we have the balance about right, we seem to compliment each other.

planetbatman · 06/04/2015 15:17

DH is extremely calm and easygoing. We literally have never argued in 15 years and I've never seen him in an argument or confrontation. He doesn't let people walk all over him, but always deals with situations calmly and with a very convincing layer of pleasantness which I could never muster myself! He is very clever at working out solutions, which helps - people go along with his ideas/suggestions because he's always right. My dad is the same. They both have opinions though and we have good discussions together, we like a good natter about politics etc.

Our household is really quiet and calm, we are never shouty here at all. That suits all of us.

CoffeeBeanie · 06/04/2015 15:29

My DH is calm and quiet, I'm not

Works for us. He's not passive though, knows what he wants.

lasareena · 06/04/2015 15:30

My DP is not calm, he's a terrible flapper, anxious, irritable, low on patience, gets shouty when worried, not great in a crisis.

Emotional intelligence: the ability not just to grasp the emotional state of another person but to control your own emotions in order to interact effectively with that person. DP has the first part in spades, the second part not so much.

He's also warm, loving, passionate, smart, likes a good debate. Many good things too

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