MIL issues

[Sunshine4444]

Hi I was wondering if anyone could offer some advice.

I've always had a good relationship with PIL but since DD was born MIL is a nightmare. We go to their house and I am expected to hand DD right away and I don't get her back the whole time I'm there. Even when DD was crying she wouldn't give her back and was comforting her.

She has now started to critics what DD is wearing and asking my DH things like 'I hope she was wrapped up when you went for a walk' like I would put her in just a vest!!!

I feel like they could give a damn about me they have DD and that's all they want. I get she is the first grandchild so they are excited but I can't cope.

I know I need to get help for my anxiety as I'm struggling and the thought of going there must be feel sick. I'm getting paranoid that they think I am useless and they are talking behind my back.

It didn't help that straight after I had DD (in the delivery room) they all came to meet her and MIL was telling DH that a girl from work wanted him to call/text her (they all work at the same place) but this is a girl who I have questioned their closeness and then she repeated the same thing the next day!! It's not what I want to hear or think about after labour and I really resent her for saying it as it was so odd!!

Thanks so much for reading I just need help on how to be more assertive xx

stop going to theirs and invite them to yours when it suits you?

my mum was like this with my dd when she was born so I do sympathise but in the nicest possible way you need to grow a pair and put your foot down with her. if baby is crying and mil is failing to settle her then simply walk over and take her back and say "think she needs mummy cuddles" and don't let her argue. the more you let her take control the more she will.

as for the wrapped up thing - that's just her way of trying to help, you would be very surprised to see some of the babies around when I walk the dog! dd was wrapped up in full outfit plus snowsuit and blanket in the pram or my coat over her as well if in the carrier and yet there would be people pushing their babies jot much older than her in just jeans and a thin top. she is going about it the wrong way but she is doing it out of love.

try having a chat with her, tell her you are struggling and feel like everyone is talking about you and saying you are failing and could she not make those comments because they are making you feel worse even though you know she doesn't mean to.

also I would speak to your hv as it does sound like mild pnd and they can help lots with support groups etc.

She won't give you your baby back? You damn we'll take her babk or demand YOUR baby she had no right to keep a crying baby from it's mother, how dare she? So distressing the baby is better than not holding it?

if baby is crying and mil is failing to settle her then simply walk over and take her back and say "think she needs mummy cuddles" and don't let her argue. the more you let her take control the more she will

Start by re asserting control, for instance, dont go there, or if you do, make sure you have an excuse to leave sooner rather than later, appt, date etc.

Then if she goes to take the baby say " No, dd isnt too well today, lets just leave her where she is, she hasnt had much sleep" if she tries to take her - say again slowly and sweetly " sorry maybe you didnt hear me, she needs to rest, leave her there"

another time if she takes her, you must again even if she is not crying, after a little while, get her back. esp if she is crying, why are you letting her domineer you, with domineering people like this you MUST defend and assert yourself, they have no boundaries and before you know where you are your down trodden and need to climb up from long long way down.

Ahhhh OP I've been here my MIL tried to take over and at first I would get anxious and upset (and fume) about it before I decided that enough is enough. Not only did I start by firmly but politely taking my baby back off of her when I thought it was needed, I called her out on her (catty imo) remarks about my parenting. how I dressed DD, the fact I haven't breastfed or used reusable nappies, that I had my baby at 21 and this apparently means I'm not as maternal as I would be if I was older when I had her.... I wasn't nasty back but I did point out she was rude/overstepping the mark/whatever. if other people witnessed it so much the better. really made her squirm. and so she should. the best one was when MIL's own mother told her off (GMIL had her first baby at 21 too).

We get on much better nowadays although she can still piss me off a lot its not coz shes rude just clash of personalities nowadays and I must piss her off too. She wasn't anywhere near as bad when DS was born.

My mil used to do this, just snatch DD, she pretty much single handedly ruined my attempts at breast feeding. I look back now and wonder why the hell I let her, I'm not usually such a walk over but I think baby hormones make most of us a bit daft. From experience once I started saying no it soon stopped, if you dont feel comfortable your OH should help initially it's his mum try talking to him

Oh dear she sounds a pita op.

First get your dh onside. I echo not going to visit them for a while too. Of your dh wants to go let him but you stay home with the dd. that might make her remember that you are In charge.

You may need to practise being assertive but the first time you take your baby back off her or stand up to her it will get much easier.

Where's your own mother in all this op? If you were my dd I would be having a word with her myself.

You don't sound any more anxious than any new mom so don't let her undermine you.

Xxxx

I can totally relate to this, my inlaws were ok but then DD came along and they were organising visitors for me, discussing schools and how FIL should speak to her in his language no one else in the family here speaks it and would then over feed her/snatch her/never change her nappy.

I used to see them weekly, did this for 9 months then said ENOUGH. DH now takes DD around every fortnight, I have not seen them since October.

You and DH need to set very clear boundaries with them, also cut back on the visits, make DH do some on his own, you don't need the stress and worry :)

My MIL did this. They came to our house every day for absolutely weeks, possibly months (they are self employed) & MIL would just take DD & hold her the entire time. She wouldn't let me soothe her when DD cried, wouldn't pass her back except to feed, which obviously didn't do my milk supply any good, I was made to feel totally redundant. It got to the point I dreaded seeing them, they would arrive & demand to be let in without checking first if it was convenient for us. If I was out in town she'd phone & ask where I was & arrange to meet up without asking if I actually had plans - if I managed to get a word in edgeways & say I was busy, she was sometimes waiting in the car when I arrived home, & demanded her "cuddle time" with DD. It got to the point that I couldn't soothe DD, she wouldn't settle for anyone but MIL. I've told DH there will be no more DCs until we've moved away, far away from PILs. Shame really as we always got on well before I had DD.

Don't stand for it. Some people will take a mile if you offer them an inch.

My MIL was the same when my first was born. I'm very non-confrontational so it would have choked me to ask for baby back. Thankfully DP realised how it was making me feel and started speaking up for me, sometimes even walking over and taking DC off her.

So my suggestion would be to get your DH onside first of all.

Secondly, don't sweat the small stuff. Recognise that the little comments that feel like digs come from a good place.

My MIL drove my crazy when my first was born, but now my youngest is about to reach pre-school I can see just how hard it must have been for her. I joke that I'll be a nightmare as a MIL because I'll never want to give my DGCs back either! Oh, and I was the best parent ever so I'll obviously have the best advice

my mil tried this one she would jiggle my son and SHUSH SHUSH him loudly rocking back and forth madly i told her he didnt like it nonsense was her reply SHUSH SHUSH her husband walked in FOR GODS SAKE STOP KILLING HIM HAND HIM BACK!

i like my fil

the bit about the woman from work out of order needs stopping very im actually offended on your behalf! i would have said perhaps he can spend some time with his wife and children?

the wrapping up warm thing? cut her off with a hand flap and a yes of course

Currently in the middle of a cold war with my MIL about this: she thinks DD (5.5mo) "doesn't need to nap" when we go round there of a Sunday because "It's her duty to stay awake when she comes to see us.". I'm also subjected to snide remarks every ~15 seconds, lectured on everything from the baby's outfit to the way I fed her, and grabbed at whenever I take DD back for a bit.

Final straw came a couple of weeks ago when I went to put DD down - MIL asked if she should sit with her and I said (truthfully!) that we're working hard to teach DD (terrible napper) to sleep on her own. I'd just settled DD when MIL came creaking in and woke her up. I said, "Oh, the door's just woken her up" - MIL went downstairs, sobbed to FIL, DH and DBILs that I'd been rude to her and why couldn't she have the baby without me etc. etc. Before we left, she slammed two books that I'd bought her to read the baby down on the table in front of me and stormed off.

DD and I have not been round for the last three weeks. Keep it simple, OP. Put your foot down, scary as it might be, reward good behaviour and don't tolerate bad. MIL will have to learn, and make sure DH backs you up. I think it must be hard to learn how to grand-parent instead of parenting, but it's just a bit tough: you are your baby's mum, and she needs you. Don't let her down.

Actually Big it isn't hard to learn how to GP, you just need a bit of sense, a load of love, and to understand that this baby is not your GC and you don't get to decide, take over or over react.

I am a very doting GM but if I ever forgot that my GC are not mine to decide about or treat as my personal playthings my DD/DiL would certainly have reminded me and quite right too. Don't be afraid to speak up Sunshine If you want to take your baby back then do so. You are the one who knows what she needs, what she likes and what is good for her.

You didn't say how old your LO is, perhaps your MiL is just over excited and will settle down.

Being assertive is pretty important when you're a parent.

Just walk over, like you're walking over to a kid whose not doing as they're told say "I'll take her" and just put your hands on your baby and pick her up. If there's any argument you say "I said, I'll take her [MIL]." Don't ask for permission. Don't say thank you.

She sounds a nightmare. I'd be furious about the woman from work thing as well. As if this woman from work (who you say there have been issues about their closeness) is deserving of a phone call in the midst of all the mayhem of giving birth. It's like she wanted to unsettle you, and also spoil a joyous occasion.

Oh, I could adopt you, meercat23 - let's hope my MIL (and the OP's, for that matter) learns to take a leaf out of your book! x

I think you're right op that you need to try to be a little more assertive about what you want, tough as it must be when you're feeling fragile.

For all the stories on here about terrible mils, I think there might be another side to this. She might sense that you are anxious and want to give you a break from always being the one to have to hold the baby, so to speak. Or she might be really over excited about first gc and not realise she's gone too far. Or she might just be a cow. Whichever it is, you won't know for sure until you and your dh team up and assert your desire to look after your dc.

Plus - the too cold thing - that's what grandmothers are physically programmed to say, dm or mil. If I had a penny for every time it's been said to me ... even when dd is wrapped up like a proper pfb ... well, you know

Good luck. It's really hard when you're feeling crap and sleep deprived.

OP I just wanted to say that I know how you feel and it's horrible to feel so anxious about your issues especially with a lack of sleep on top! I had a hard time when my baby arrived for similar reasons and reducing my visits to partner's DM really helped! It gave me a time to myself and I didn't have the feeling of dread when I knew a visit was coming up. I think your DH needs to have a chat to his DM about her behaviour too. First time grandmothers are understandably excited but can also be incredibly thoughtless (in my experience!)

Haha, yes thw too cold thing. My mum did this the first time I went out with DD and my mum & sister. They werw both obsessed with trying to cover DD up with blankets (she was in a sling that day). When we got to cafe in town, I took DD out & mum took her & was shocked that she was so hot. Er yes mum, that's what I've been saying for the last 20 minutes. She didn't need those blankets...

Listen to your instincts, OP. They are generally there for a reason.

Yes my mum does the too cold thing, in every other way a very laid back GP. I always have to add extra layers until she is satisfied. DF is a stickler for table manners, (obviously not for a baby) but will happily tell a small child off for being a tiny bit messy. He's a pussy cat in every other way, I've just had to accept table manners is his thing.

The other stuff I would be wanting to keep my distance over. Not being able to cuddle my own DCs for an entire day would upset me so much.

Aw op I have been there too.

You've had lots of good advice here.

All I will add is that you need to set firm boundaries asap. It's better for you all. We were far too lenient with my mil who was a little more extreme than yours admittedly but as a result things got out of hand and eventually there was a big falling out and we not have nothing to do with them. Our kids don't know them, they last saw dc1 at 8months old. Never met dc2.

It's such a sad situation to be in. I wish to this day we had put our foot down early on as o think she would have (sulked) but eventually conceded to our wishes.

Hope things pick up for you. Don't let this ruin your pfbs first year, we did and we still resent ILs for that x