Post 40 1st child- freezing eggs

[Sussexbelle73]

My BF is 40 in a few months and has just met a lovely new man. She wants kids at some point in the next few years but its very early on in the relationship.

i suggested (as tactfully as possible) recently that she might want to get her fertility checked and possibly think about freezing eggs as time is off the essence if she really wants kids. I was lucky to have my kids st 34 & 38 but I think I would have considered this as an option had time gone on any more.

The thing is- she doesnt see age as a factor at all or have any sense of urgency. She was matter of factly talking about having a baby at 45. And hopefully she will be fine and I am just sounding like a patronising old bag!!

And of course, its none of my business fundamentally but I think she is nuts and naive and I worry for her. Even at 38, I found it exhausting and I had easy healthy pregnancies.

AIBU to try and impress on her that there is a time factor here and that considering her options would be sensible if she thinks she might want kids with this man.

Or am I being massively patronising?

I think it's right to worry about fertility over 40. I'm not sure she's really naive about it. Or she knows but rather bury her head and not face the fact.

As for being exhausting, I had mine at 35 and 39 and didn't find it remotely exhausting. Except having morning sickness during the first trimester. Looking after a newborn is a doodle really.

But I agree freezing eggs should be considered. Is it better odds with younger eggs with IVF? I honestly don't know. Or at 40 it's already too late. I remember reading somewhere that it's easier to fall pregnancy naturally at an older age than IVF. That is for woman who had no fertility problems. Something about us oldies can't produce a lot of eggs and that's not good odds for IVF.

'Nuts and naive.'

That is unpleasant.

Say once, nicely, that she might want to consider getting her fertility checked as babies in your 40s isn't always possible, then leave it.

As you said, you were lucky.

She's not an idiot, she will know the chances are low. Let her get on with it. You've tried, now let it go.

Maybe she gas thought it through but would rather leave it to fate?

Sorry, has not gas.

The thing is, you could be right - or she could. Dwindling fertility is a fact, but it's a statistic and not an absolute. Plenty of women have no problems conceiving in their 40s, myself included. Neither did I find pregnancy / baby exhausting. At all.

But, plenty of women do have trouble. Just like they do in their 20s and 30s. It's the luck of the draw. I'm not sure, in your friend's position, I would be checking my fertility. But neither would I be waiting 5 years (and I very much doubt that his her real plan either - but she is, quite rightly, playing it cautious as her relationship is new).
It's nice to be worried about her but in total honesty, you wouldn't be telling her anything she doesn't already know.

Only 20 babies have been born in the UK as a result of egg freezing. It really isn't a very successful procedure (and since the reason for increasing infertility with age is egg quality, the chances of it working with a 40 year old egg is negligible).

If you mention egg freezing, you won't be giving her a reality check, you'll be giving her more false hope!

I think this is a 'smile and nod' situation. Freezing eggs really isn't an option, IVF with your own eggs over 40 is also rarely successful as harvesting the eggs is difficult ( our bodies don't react strongly enough to the drugs) and egg quality is not good enough (generally) to get to transfer stage.

I am 40, one DS conceived at 37, three heart breaking miscarriages since. Your friend is wandering into a fertility war zone quite honestly but some will be successful, many won't, hopefully your friend will be one of the lucky ones.

Just be there for masses of tea and sympathy.

The poor odds quoted above for egg freezing may be slightly out of date. I know the clinic where I had IVF offer it now because a technique called vitrification (I think) makes it more viable. It's true though that the odds are considerably lower than for embryo freezing which is more likely to be successful. www.crgh.co.uk/treatments/egg-freezing/

It's also true that her chances of getting pregnant with her own eggs (naturally or IVF) are likely to be be low if she waits until she's 45. But I agree with the poster above that you've mentioned it once and should leave it now.

Freezing eggs is often mentioned as some kind of wonderful back-up plan but the rates of success using frozen eggs are not great. I have a friend undergoing IVF at only 36 and her first cycle they froze her eggs due to issues with sperm. Once that was sorted they unfroze them and she did get pregnant but miscarried at 6 weeks. Her clinic only then informed her that she was the first pregnancy they'd ever had using frozen eggs rather than fresh eggs or frozen embryos. This is a well regarded clinic by the way. I was so annoyed on her behalf that they hadn't warned her before the treatment. It's just not yet the great safety net that seems to be always heralded.

I understand that egg freezing has a very low chance of producing a baby. very few babies have actually been born from it.

Yanbu to suggest it. You would be unreasonable, to keep mentioning it. She probably does realise but doesn't want to talk about. Talking about makes it more real, maybe.

It sounds like you care about your friend's happiness but if you keep on about this it could sour the relationship. You've raised the subject, leave it now and let your friend live her life as she sees fit. If she does struggle with infertility in the future then your role as her friend is to support her through this.

Maybe she really finds babies terribly dull and doesn't want any of her own but is too polite to say as it's all you bang on about!! Unless she's a complete idiot she will know the odds, say it once then leave her to it, motherhood isn't the be all and end all.

I am in the same boat worry about my friend who will be 40 in a couple of months and who has already decided to freeze her eggs.