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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to get pissed as dh has ruined easter with his drinking?

39 replies

HoraceCope · 04/04/2015 19:48

well?

i never drink, i am thoughtful of his problems with alcohol. but typicallly he has ruined another occasion. fXX him

OP posts:

gardencorner · 04/04/2015 22:01

It's put me off drinking, especially to excess!

Mine's had this problem on and off for 20 years. I can tolerate it now because he works away and I only see him a couple of times a week at most.

He too can give up for a week, month, and so on, completely, but he always goes back to it. Occasions and events especially fill me with dread, my first thought is that I hope he hasn't been drinking.

Horace.

I don't have the answer, obviously. One day I will cut ties completely with him, and I look forward to that day, but at the moment I'm just managing the situation as best I can.

Topseyt · 04/04/2015 22:02

My BIL has always been like this.

We would say he is an alcoholic, as when he starts he really can't seem to stop. He gets angry and aggressive with it too. It cost him his marriage, home and eventually access to his child.

Sometimes he seemed to be able to stay sober for a few weeks, even months, but the mask always slipped again eventually.

In short, you cannot change him if he doesn't want to stop. That's the nub of it. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter. Leave him to nurse his hangover.

Can you go and see family or friends to get away from it so that you don't have to witness him being an arse.

Original poster

HoraceCope · 04/04/2015 22:04

exactly gardencorner.
one day .....

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/04/2015 22:11

I reckon being "thoughtful of his problems with alcohol" means to him that you're tolerating it. Maybe even colluding in it if you don't make your feelings clear about the consequences of him continuing down this path. Thus spaketh the daughter of a selfish binge-drinker. I honestly wish sometimes that my mother had put her foot down and chucked him out

whatatit · 04/04/2015 22:13

As Topseyt said, go out tomorrow. Leave him to wallow in his hangover alone. Have fun with your dd and concentrate on yourselves. Don't sit around in this environment. Go out and enjoy life x

Original poster

HoraceCope · 04/04/2015 22:13

i mean being thoughtful, as I dont have a drink myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

HoraceCope · 04/04/2015 22:13

i would like to chuck him out,
he wont go

OP posts:

Original poster

HoraceCope · 04/04/2015 22:13

and by the time he sobers up i relent,

OP posts:

Original poster

HoraceCope · 04/04/2015 22:14

yes thanks,
We will go out tomorrow, and leave him to it, as we did yesterday.

we will make plans without him

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 05/04/2015 00:46

He can be made to go. If there is any history of aggressive behaviour (doesn't have to be hitting you, but smashing things or threats to hurt you or the children also count) you can get a court order to force him out of the house. Or you can file for divorce and a court will either enforce the sale of the house or (again) ban him from living there even if he contributes to the mortgage.
The point is, he doesn't have all the power. You do not need his permission or his co-operation to end the marriage, if you decide that you have had enough. It should be possible to place restrictions on his contact with the DC as well if you throw him out for drinking ie if he turns up pissed for contact you can refuse to let him take DC.

YOu may not be ready to take these steps yet and it's your decision whether you do or not: my advice is that you get all the information so you can make that choice. GOod luck.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 05/04/2015 00:53

Horace, glad you've had empathetic responses on this thread. I think 6 months/2 years isn't bad for being sober? DH doesn't drink as much as he did but I think the longest he's gone without a drink in the last 8 years is a week. And he only did that once.
Sorry you're sad though. I'm from a family of heavy drinkers and hate the effect alcohol has had on them.
Whatatit, I tried banning alcohol in the house and DH just went and spent hours and £££s in the pub instead...

whatatit · 05/04/2015 08:04

I never banned alcohol from the house. I banned him from being a nob . He drank regularly until he was an annoying, gibbering twat. He'd drink until there was nothing left.

He's had to learn how to control how much he drinks and how often.

He now drinks sometimes and a lot less, hence the 'could slip back ' but doesn't as he knows he'd be out.

We live in the middle of nowhere, so no chance of getting to a pub.

Blueskybrightstar · 05/04/2015 08:56

I met up with an ex recently who always had a drink problem...in the intervening years he hasn't sorted it out at all and I thank God for my lucky escape. I think of all the things I accomplished and all the things i did thatmade me truly happy since we split up and know for sure I wouldn't have achieved any of it if I'd been with him - as all my energy would have gone on dealing its his problems and issues and the fall out from Them. And my little one would NOT be the happy go lucky guy he is with a dad like that. So well rid...and they never change. Sorry to hear what you are going through OP x

wheresthelight · 05/04/2015 09:03

Op your dh sounds very like my dad. depression and excessive stress triggers his drinking. he was on the wagon for 12 years and then fell off in spectacular style for a few months and has been back on it for the last 14 years. alcoholics are awful because they don't see or care the damage they are doing to other people. however the right push can help.

as others have said the ultimatum and meaning it is a good tactic, it worked for my dad. mum saw a solicitor and was told that because of his violent temper and drinking he wouldn't get custody or access to me and my sister (this was in the mid 80's). mum produced the documentation to dad and told him he had 2 options, stop drinking and get help or leave and never see his kids again. he stopped drinking almost over night (not all will) and as I said with the exception of a brief spell he has been sober ever since. as I have got older I am better able to read the signs that trigger dad and we all have excellent ways of keeping him sober and now he has grandkids he knows damn well that one drop passes his lips and he will never see them again ever.

good luck but you need to get tough

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