to wonder if you can be a better grandmother than you were a mum?

[ahbollocks]

Just that really.
Always had a bit of a fractious relationship with my mum. She had addictions while I was a child, wasnt very loving, suspicious of me, threw me out over nothing etc etc.
Has been a long road forgiving her and building up a relationship and trust over the last 7 years and ive finally let her babysit my ds.
He is age 3 and she is perfect with him;
Spoils him, plays, reads, no apparent mental health problems and addiction free for 10 years plus.
Part of me is just soconfused.

My maternal grandmother is better as a grandmother than she was a mum but not by any means perfect. She permed my hair when I was 18 months old, for example .

I think in your mums case, maybe it's a bit of a wanting to make it up to you/having mellowed with age/can give the children back sort of situation?

I don't think I was a very good Mum I was in an abusive relationship, I was working full time, I was studying so that I could get a better job.

I loved my dc hugely but I didn't seem to be able to be the Mum I had hoped I would be..

I spent so many of those years struggling to keep abusive exh happy. I was disappointed in the lack of 'motherliness' that I felt.

Now, as a grandmother I am more secure in who I am as an individual, I am more able to balance my time and I think I am a fab gran in a way in which I was not a fab mum.

Yes. I always thought it was much easier to be a granddaughter than a daughter to my grandmother. Our relationship was free of all the tensions that she brought to her mothering of my own (amazing) mum, and it was just a whole load easier.

I definitely believe you can be a grandmother than you can be a mum.

My mum was a good mum, but she never played with me or did homework with me, but she's always been really good at playing with my dc and been interested in their education.

I think without all the rigmarole that goes along with day to day parenting, it must be easier to do all the other things, and if it's been easier for my mum who didn't have the issues yours did, then it's got to be easier for your mum too.

My mum was a pretty indifferent mother, not actually bad but I wouldn't nominate her for mother of the year. She is a very good granny though.

My mother wasn't a great mum, and she's still not a great grandma to my son - disinterested, never wants to do anything with him same as she was with me.
I will definitely be a better grandma - and I know I'm a better more nurturing mother. She just isn't maternal whereas I've always loved children.

My mother was physically and emotionally abusive and wasted no time reminding us throughout our childhood that we were the bane of her life.
she however is a good grandmother. We don't live close by but when we do see her she is great with my dc and she never forgets their birthdays. She also often sends them parcels of toys etc. She does however show signs of being harsh with them so even though she often says to leave them with her and my df for a holiday, I would never trust her enough to do so.
My own relationship with her is fine but I would never leave her alone with the grandchildren.

My mum wasn't the best. Very selfish, not at all maternal, a bit of a narc. Eventually had an affair when I was 16 and moved out with the OM 2 days before my first GCSE exam. She's absolutely fantastic with my daughter (16 months) though and DD adores her.

Yes, definitely. Same goes for fathers making much better grandfathers. I suppose some people regret and learn from their mistakes.

My mum is a much better nana than she was a mother. I don't know if it's lack of pressure, more money, more time, more confidence in herself, experience or just time but she is great with my kids - infinitely patient, very gentle, lots of times for cuddles and TV watching, reading. She's doing an Easter egg hunt in her garden for them in the morning, when we were kids she would have sniffed and rolled her eyes at such an idea.

Absolutely. My mum's grandma was wonderful doted on my mum; accepted her for who she was, listened, played, bought pressies etc. She had been a horrible mother to her daughter (my mum's mum). Resented her for ruining her independence, made it clear she didn't want her around.

I think for some people it's much easier to be a grandparent than a parent; less responsibility, more distance, less pressure. Maybe they feel they can relax more since the child doesn't reflect on them and dredge up whatever issues they have as much. Maybe they've just sorted out their mental health.

My mum is a brilliant mother and a brilliant grandma in very different ways, maybe because of changing circumstances. Growing up I remember her playing with us and always being there when I needed to talk but she did also work a lot and put herself through college and uni as a mature student so was often stressed. She's a lot more chilled with my DD than she was with us growing up and definitely lets her get away with a few more things but she is also very good at encouraging manners, good behaviour, etc. so I know DD will never try to play us off each other.

My mum was practical and functional when I was growing up. She looked after us but wasn't cuddly, didn't play and I found her difficult to talk to. With my two DS she is totally different. Cuddly, plays, listens to them. I think there is less stress on her and she doesn't have the responsibility of them.

Yes I think so. My mum is much more stable, plus it's not as intense a relationship. She does a good job as a grandma. I should probably tell her that really...

Definitely. My Nana was the best thing about my childhood - always kind, loving, comforting, stable. She read to me, made up stories that were the best and most thrilling there could be, took me on holidays, always had room for me in her big warm lap. I loved her so much and I still miss her and always will.

However, her relationship with her own daughter, my mother, was prickly at best. My mother had stories about her own childhood that I could honestly scarcely believe, about how she would walk in and ask with a child's innocence 'what's for tea' and be snarled by Nan - 'Shit and sugar!'

I think when Nan had her own children she had a difficult husband, was trying to work several jobs, and had the house and children to manage too on little money. By the time she had grandchildren, her life was so much easier; she was happy and had time for and could enjoy the pace of life with a small child.

And when my grown-up mother had an accident and was helpless and bedbound for a while, my Nan stepped in and nursed her with all the love and kindness she hadn't been able to show when my mother was a child.

I'm so glad for you that your mother and your DS have this loving relationship. Her love for you comes out in that.

Both my Mum and Dad were really good grandparents to all 5 of our children(my Mum sadly passed away last April)my Dad is still great at being a Grandad but they both really struggled with being parents.

My childhood was really not good,but I forgave them for that a few years ago,I am a parent myself and I've been really lucky I haven't really struggled with being a Mum,but I'm old enough now and wise enough to realize that not everyone should have children,not everyone is suited to it.

It is so so interesting. I feel a bit torn in that I am so happy ds has so many people who adore him but I still dont get that cuddly open love with her.
Luckily my dad is very warm etc so I didnt do without but your relationship with your mum is so important and I often find myself hoping im doing okay raising gorgeous ds

My mum made plenty of mistakes when I was a child, not all of them her fault but it did mean I hated living with her and moved to live with my Nan's when I was 14.

However now we get on a lot better and my son adores her. He worships the ground she walks on. She does everything she can for him, she hugs him, kisses him, knows all his favourite things.

She has a lot less going on with her life than she did when we were kids, and is more into kids than it seemed she was with us. She is a really great nan so yes I do believe it is possible. People can learn from their mistakes.

My Granny was the archetypal perfect Granny. I loved her to bits.
I think my Mum found it hard that we all loved her so much and thought she was so lovely, because she had given my mum a very hard time as a teen, she was going through menopause and very critical and in the end my Grandpa told my mum to leave home.

By the time she was a Grandma, she had mellowed

apples that made me well up!

My partners mum, by his own admission, wasn't the best and was more interested in men, so when he was about 14/15 he went to live with his grandparents. Although him and his mum have always still been on speaking terms, he's always said he couldn't and wouldn't ever be able to live with her. He has a daughter who is nearly 6, and my partners grandparents have even said that it's almost as if she's trying to make up being a rubbish parent through trying to be a good grandparent.
However we both (probably more me) can see straight through it, and my partners not even sure if they would be on speaking terms if it hadn't of been for him having his daughter.

Yes I think you can be a good grandparent even if you weren't the best parent. Parenting is very full on 24/7. As a grandparent you get to do all the fun and then hand them back over. Much less pressure.

Yes it is possible I think. My maternal grandmother was awful to my mum when she was growing up, but has always loved/spoilt me, and I've never experienced the nastiness she reserved for my mother. I think she felt guilty, and very relieved that my mum didn't bear grudges, as we all get on really well now.

I have a lovely mother - we are so close but before I had kids it was totally different! She is a brilliant granny and my kids dote on her and I hope to be the same when my children are parents but I'd like to think I'm closer to my kids now as well as when they're older - not just when they have kids.