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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at people who can't be arsed to learn to drive but then expect me to give them lifts all the time?????

29 replies

Twoplus3 · 04/04/2015 17:08

I know in the grand scheme of things this isn't very important but I'm seriously fed up of people in mine and dh's fsmily and dorm friends thinking they can use us as a taxi service. I cannot understand (medical reasons aside) why anyone would not want to learn to drive, especially when they ha e young children and it would offer them independence and allow them to go practically anywhere.

So as it stands me and dh now have a car each, we'd always managed with one car until dh got a new job miles away, and as I need mine for the school run we had to buy another. One of my sister in laws doesn't drive, she's nonincentive to learn either as my Mil, Dh and myself seem to ferry her everywhere, and she openly admits that lessons are too expensive (yeah right) more likes she's knows she'll get a free ride with us!

Now I'm not a nasty person, I'm not unreasonable and will usually do anything to help anybody but i feel like she is taking the piss. Every time she suggests that we get the family together for a meal or something I always get a text asking can one of us pick her kids up as they wont all fit in my Mil's car. And last week it dawned on me why she wanted both me and my dh to go to my neice's 10th birthday party (all the other parties were local and we've always dropped our kids off and then gone back to pick them up) well this time she has booked this extravagant party about 20 miles away. She asked could my eldest two go to which I said yes. I said I'd just drop them off if that was ok and then head to the shopping outlet that is round the corner as my youngest needed some new glasses so I thought it would be a good opportunity to get it sorted. She then goes on to say oh well I'd like it if both you and Ste (dh) could come, I said right ok. Then an hour later dh texts saying oh whilst you and Ste are coming do you think you could take some of the kids in your car!!! I was fuming, as it suddenly dawned on me this is why she wanted us to come. Both me and dh have 7 seats in our car so she's knows we can easily fit our 5 in plus her and her 3 kids plus a few of her kids friends! Am I seriously being unreasonable to feel pretty fooking annoyed?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 04/04/2015 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EveBoswell · 04/04/2015 17:11

YANBU at all. It's time to say no sometimes.

Icimoi · 04/04/2015 17:11

Tell her no, you can't take anyone in the car. Always remembering the MN mantra about "No" being a full sentence.

Imnotaslimjim · 04/04/2015 17:11

Start saying no. And YANBU to be cross about it, she is using you

StayingSamVimesGirl · 04/04/2015 17:11

No, YANBU. I can see why you are feeling used, and I would be pretty annoyed too - it certainly looks as if she's assumed you and your dh will chauffeur people around for this party. I would tell her that your dh can't make it for the start of the party, but may drop in later on - and watch her squirm.

Nolim · 04/04/2015 17:14

Yanbu

Original poster

Twoplus3 · 04/04/2015 17:19

I know I need to start saying no, but what reason do I give? It's kind of awkward as the only reason I have is that I just can't be arsed! During the week I am constantly driving, ferrying my kids back and forth to two different schools/nurseries, then they have a different after school activity every night so at the weekend I just like to have a rest from it all.

OP posts:

Mrsstarlord · 04/04/2015 17:19

'No, we can't offer lifts. We are just going to bring one car as we can all fit in there and its a fair way for 2 cars to travel'

YANBU

pluCaChange · 04/04/2015 17:21

Why not say candidly that you wish she had actually checked with you before making arrangements for a party which required your help; say you feel they take you for granted. There's no need to get all arsey, but stating that will help make your position clear.

Going forward, maybe think about getting a smaller car. After all, a "normal" car is big enough for 5, and I guess you will be encouraging your children to learn to drive...

Quitelikely · 04/04/2015 17:25

The question is: are you brave enough to tackle her over it or get your husband to?

LadyGregory · 04/04/2015 17:27

You don't need a reason to refuse to be exploited. ''Sorry, that doesn't work for us' or 'Not possible, I'm afraid.' When she realises you're no longer a sure thing, she won't be able to rely on you so securely. Why are you so concerned with having an 'excuse' when her behaviour to you is so nakedly entitled?

Probably not relevant to your situation, but there are non-drivers for non-medical reasons who have genuinely tried and failed to learn. I'm one of them. Because of living in central London, I didn't start lessons till my early 40s, when we moved to the country, and despite my best efforts, I have an appalling fear of driving. I'm talking vomiting on the verge during lessons, not able to sleep the night before, panic attack type fear. Having said that, I never expect lifts - I get the bus, walk or cycle. But it's not always 'couldn't be arsed'. I'm about to try again with a different instructor, but dreading it.

ThreeFrazzledFandangos · 04/04/2015 17:27

Just say we can't all fit as we're just taking one car. No explanations, you don't owe her any.

Mrsstarlord · 04/04/2015 17:28

I also think it's OK to say, we are only using one car because I spend a lot of time driving the kids around and I just want a rest from it. and DH and I are going to have a bit of child free time when we go to the shopping centre so thanks ever so much for the party invitation and looking after the kids whilst we do this

pluCaChange · 04/04/2015 17:31

Also, if she isn't scared of getting someone who is already tired to drive, then she's a fool. Tiredness and driving are not to be messed about with.

TelephoneEggGnawingMachine · 04/04/2015 17:33

YABU and YANBU. Lessons may not be that expensive in the grand scheme of thing - but running a car is. DH & I don't have a car, for this reason.

However, if you don't want to be used as a taxi service, then don't. Make sure you're busy/don't have enough fuel in the tank/you've already had a glass of wine/there's no room in the car/don't feel well today/too tired/you're bringing other guests/you're not arriving at the same time as them.

They are being cheeky buggers, assuming that other people will pick up the slack from their life choices/financial issues/whatever. It's rude and entitled. At the very least they could ask at the outset if you could help, instead of trying to back you into a corner.

Original poster

Twoplus3 · 04/04/2015 17:34

Yes we will be getting smaller cars once our youngests starts school, but at the minute he's still in his pram as he has additional needs. My dh only got the car he has as he got a cracking deal and its great on fuel despite being a medium sized car and the extra two Seats aren't permantlt fixed, they're kust extras in the boot. Wish he'd got a two seater convertible instead now lol x

OP posts:

nunkspugget · 04/04/2015 17:42

Tell her to get her provisional, then she can drive you about as 'free' lessons in your car. Or remove spare seats and tell her someone spilled milk on them and they now stink???

Nolim · 04/04/2015 17:42

Maybe you can tell her that your car is nor fuel eficient and are trying to cut all non essential trips to save on gas. Say that since you are driving her around your fuel bill has increased significantly.

Coyoacan · 04/04/2015 17:42

Is there no public transport where you live?

Original poster

Twoplus3 · 04/04/2015 17:45

Sorry if I caused any offence there I didn't mean to. I know there are genuine reasons why people can't drive or don't want to drive. But in this case my Sil can learn, and cpuld afford to but she just doesn't want to, this she has said many times. She lives very close to her kids schools so she doesn't need a car to take them, and for everything else, or shopping, days out, running errands she relies heavily on my inlaws and me and dh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Twoplus3 · 04/04/2015 17:46

There is tons and tons of public transport, trains, buses, trams, taxis you name it, she just "can't affford" to use them!

OP posts:

Original poster

Twoplus3 · 04/04/2015 17:49

And that's a good point about the cost of fuel. I put in around £50-60 at the minute which has gone up from £40-45 since I've been ferrying her around. Dh puts in around £55 a week to go to work, and then any little "extra" journeys. But we also pay £220 a month finance on my car, £100 per month insurance for both cars and then there's tax and Mot's. She has none of this to falk out so she knows she got it easy.

OP posts:

Pantone363 · 04/04/2015 17:52

YANBU

I have 3 non driving friends. Meet ups always seem to happen at theirs as obviously it's easier than them getting a bus/train here. Everytime I am at one persons house I get the "could you just run me to Tesco/town/blah blah blah?"

ThingummyJigg · 04/04/2015 17:56

I think you say this to her, it's perfect, reasonable, clear, polite, honest and to the point:

"During the week I am constantly driving, ferrying my kids back and forth to two different schools/nurseries, then they have a different after school activity every night so at the weekend I just like to have a rest from it all."

Start with "No" and end with the bit about petrol costs, and add something about wear and tear too. If she bleats, say "Have you thought of booking a taxi?"

Ratfinkandbobo · 04/04/2015 17:58

I don't drive as I'm a nervous wreck behind the wheel but I don't ask for lifts either. I'm with Mrsstarlord. Say you're having a day off!'

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