AIBU - So Called Friends

[WingsofaDragonfly]

Feeling low so being self pitying, but its dawned on me that my so called friends actually aren't, they just use me for childcare and when they want me to listen and sympathise when something has gone wrong for them (which I always do). I had some real issues with work a while back and really needed someone who I thought was a good friend to listen and support me, she just said I was being boring and needed to get a grip. She rang today and after chatting dropped in to conversation could I watch her little one while she popped to the shops, I knew it was coming as she only ever calls when she wants something, and was braced for it and said no (me and dh both work full time and I just wanted this Easter holiday for us and ds to relax as a family). People only bother with me when I'm doing something for them and I stupidly thought they liked me, but if I'm honest with myself I have always been scared to say no in case I lost their friendship. I was pretty ill a while back and no-one even called for a chat to see if I was ok. AIBU to just think sod you all, I'm not helping/babysitting etc anymore and just do what suits me.

YANBU and I will join you in your "Sod You" stance as I feel the very same today

Am glad you came came to that conclusion. In life you only need one friend. That may be your dear husband. Bounce things off him. Lots of friends is trouble. If you can manage on your own do it. Remember your not an island because you have family.

If she thought you were boring then she is not a friend. She should have listened even when she was didn't like. That's what friends do then start a more exciting topic.

but if I'm honest with myself I have always been scared to say no in case I lost their friendship.

Eurgh. I can so sympathise.

I had a friend who I was terrified I'd lose her friendship. I'd lend her money (£300 at one point), drove her everywhere, when to every single birthday weekend away.

I then realised she'd never once celebrated my birthday, not once.

I stopped caring.

We should have a "care jar", same as a swear jar. Whenever you feel yourself caring put some money in the jar.

Enjoy your Easter weekend op.

I am so happy for you that you said no. Now stick to your guns.

Also for those so called friends who like to moan but don't reciprocate... Just have some phrases ready.. Oh dear- you will have to fix that problem yourself. The best answers to problem are within.

It may sound cheesy but why should you have to put up with it when they are not reciprocating - ever.

Cheeky woman should be minding her own children today. Lazy or what !

This is the story of my life.
I'm always everybody's shoulder to cry on, people are always saying I'm a great listen/friend/counsellor but when I need someone I don't feel like anyone cares enough to listen.
I used to bend over backwards to look after friend's DCs but now I don't bother unless I know they'll return the favour - not that I often ask but it's good to have a back up in case of an emergency.
I also have a friend who expects me and everybody else to drop everything to celebrate her birthday, it's always expensive and she expects me there. But for years and years she never ever attended my birthday celebrations because her DH's birthday was too close to mine so no money. Yeh thanks mate!
I definitely agree with the ''care jar''. I think over the years I have learnt to care less about others and just concentrate on my family more. But I think I am a natural carer and giver. I want to please people. Or maybe I'm just constantly seeking their acceptance? I suppose there's a fine line.

Thank you for your lovely responses. I seek acceptance too and I think its how I end up being used. Birthdays are a real bug bear for me, I always celebrate with my "friends" but never bother mentioning my own cos I know few people would bother to celebrate with me. Dh and I do have a nice circle of couples that we socialise with but I prefer to stay on the outskirts of the group. I love catching up and going out but don't really involve myself to much so don't expect anything from them other than a good night out and a laugh every now and then.

This particular friend who has really used me, pretty much insisted that we became best friends and then dropped me when someone more interesting came along. I felt like I always had to entertain her and it became really wearing. Her dropping me was a relief at first as I got fed up of the hour long phone calls most nights from her (about her). I'm just hurt that she still thinks its ok to use me for her convenience and I know I will made out to be the bad guy for saying no.

Anyway I to will be starting a "care jar", fab idea Glory.

I love mumsnet, you've all made me feel so much better.

I had this for years. One friend used to call me for regular chats before asking for childcare would have a gossip and a cuppa after. I didn't mind at the time although it was quite one way but my working pattern was easier. Anyhow fast forward to them now being 14 I have barely spoken to her for two years and seen her briefly twice as her daughters of an age I'm not required any more. I had a relationship breakdown not so much as a text or call or on my birthday.
I was hurt for a while but stopped making the effort back as was all one way this way I lost about 10 "friends" but have three genuine friends who are there and vice versa.

Yanbu consign that friendship to the dustbin with other similar ones for you

She is a real user, sod the lot of em

Just to say there ARE loads of good people out there who do reciprocate and are interested, for example the OP herself and the other who have posted. So do not give up on humanity, just keep looking.

Well done for being more assertive. If these 'friends' start to drop off once it becomes obvious that you are no longer willing to be taken for granted then you'll know where you stood all along, won't you? It'll be hurtful but it's better than living your life as a people pleaser, always in doing someone else's bidding for fear of being rejected by them.

you will make better friends, these ones are not true friends

I could almost have written your post myself. I had friends or rather so called. Where it was all one sided. They'd go out together I. Their little clique and I wouldn't get asked. It took along time but I eventually woke up smelt the coffee.
And wiped them from my life. And I've never looked back. It's better to have no friends that ones that treat you like shit.
I saw a relative of one of them and she said, you should go down and see our insert name here. She misses you. It's not too late to fix things and my reply was.... our insert name here should have treated me properly
Ynbu btw

Redwine, I have a friend (a different one to the one I mentioned yesterday), who treats me just the same, I actually once rushed back from somewhere cos I'd arranged to have a cup of tea and a chat with her at a certain time, turns out she just wanted me to mind one of her children while she took the other one to a party. I felt such a fool!! She is next on my list of no's, she works 1 day a week but still can't manage to get to the hairdressers etc when her kids are at school and constantly asks me to watch them, often when I've just got in from work. I do say no to her sometimes but she never takes the hint and asks over again for favours. I get the impression she thinks she's just much more important than me and my family,

I've had enough, just working out how to say no to the requests without sounding unreasonable or pathetic. I'm going to try the "no that just doesn't work for me".

Iliveinthelighthouse, stick to your guns, how horrible of them not to invite you out.

I had a friend that used to call me when she was going through her seperation/divorce as a shoulder to cry on. Invited here and her children round for meals, met up in the holidays, etc. Then when her youngest was having mental health problems I was also 'on call' to talk her through. I spoke to Dr's for her, her ex and helped her with school issues.

However, when I was going through tough times with my mum dying, a single mum myself with a child with MH issues...nothing. Big, fat zero. Nada. Zilch.

Our paths no longer cross which is a good thing.

i used to have user friends and i was afraid to say no in case they wouldn't like me anymore. i got wise and dropped them and slowly replaced them with kind, lovely people. i'm much much happier!

you've had the lightbulb moment. it'll get better. while your time is taken up with users you can't meet the nice ones.

I had a friend like this - broke up with my ex and didn't hear a peep from her. I could have topped myself for all she knew... Bizarrely it still took a further 3 years to cut her out of my life

You can do without people like this in your life xx

OP. I'm not unsympathetic, but I think (judging from what you say) that you need to take a certain amount of responsibility for setting up this one-sided situation and allowing it to continue. What you say reminds me strongly of my mother, who is terrified of saying 'no' to even the most outrageous request, and is as a result a magnet for exploitative people - though in her case she only intermittently sees what fake friends they are, because her self-esteem is so low she is uneasy around people who have no obvious need of her. You sound slightly as if you feel uninvolved in the lovely couples circle you share with DH because you don't continually do favours for them - is this your usual approach to making friends, to seek to be helpful? Don't you feel you're interesting enough for people to like, even if you never help them out?

LadyGregory you've hit the nail on the head, I have very little to say to people so attract people who like a good listener, I've known this for years, so I always prefer to socialise in a big group so that no-one notices how un-interesting I am (I know that sounds pathetic but its true and it really doesn't bother me). What has become a problem is the fact that I really struggle to say no to people and have stupidly got myself in a situation with 2 "friends" who just use me and treat me as joke, they live close so its hard to even make up excuses as to why I can't be at the beck and call, and yes I did get into this situation by thinking I'd gain them as friends if I helped them out when they asked. I don't rely on either of them for childcare (my family help me out) or anything so its nots like I have anything to lose by being assertive and saying no.

Sorry, Wings, I may have sounded snider than I intended. I'm not attacking.

I just saw it so much with my mother, and as her eldest child, I've been conscious from an early age that she prefers (completely unconsciously) people who are 'in need' of her in some way - to the point where I can see she's ill at ease around people who are happy, confident and popular, because there's nothing she can 'do' for them. She sees being a doormat as what she brings to a relationship.

She has been baffled her whole life that, once I stopped absorbing her approach to life, I've had good longterm friendships, despite moving around the world a lot and having no problem saying 'no'. She seems not to grasp that people form friendships primarily because they find one another's lives/stories/ approaches/company interesting, whereas she does what you say you do, which is to make herself invisible, just nodding and saying 'oh, of course' and 'What happened next?' to someone's hour-long monologue, adopting their opinions and values. She doesn't understand that this means no one knows her, because she never lets them.

These exploitative friendships may be doomed, Wings, but what's the worst that could happen if you decided to let your actual personality be the basis for new friendships you make in future, not being useful?

You didn't sound snide at all Lady, your advice really is completely spot on, thank you.

Ok, they sound crap, but are you sure it's intentional?

some people are just very self-obsessed and thoughtless, don't take it personally.

If you decide to cut them off- have an honest chat with them about why, explaining how you feel first.
Keep it nice though and ask if there's anything you've done to make them treat you this way.

Otherwise don't worry, there are plenty of people out there who would act like a real friend to you.

LadyGregory very interesting post. I have a friend who once confessed to me that he always went for complicated needy women because he felt that he had nothing else to offer anyone else.

I know how you feel op. I felt very let down by a group of old friends and it really knocked my confidence. For once in my life I actually stood up for myself and said no to something and unfortunately they didn't like it. I truly never realised how little they cared and it dawned on me that they are simply people I know and not friends.

However, I also realised that you actually don't have to be liked by everyone and that the world does not come to an end if you assert yourself for once. Even though losing these friendships has been hard I still feel glad that I finally stopped being scared to say no. I'm more guarded now because of my experience but I also appreciate my few really lovely friends.

I think LadyGregory has it spot on - my mother was similar. No one ever really knew her (including us) because she preferred a relationship where she was always the giver of help rather than information about herself. She also had rock bottom self esteem, so I think she honestly didn't believe anyone would want it any other way. We hated it, because we barely knew our own mum. It was (unintentionally for her, I think) a very painfully onesided way for our family to live.

Sorry, bit of a digression there. Op, definitely say no to the users!