Another Step-family problem

[Mrsm49]

SD is 32, has two divorces under her belt and has two daughter, the oldest being 16. DH suffers from a guilt complex about the breakup of the marriage, even though his ex instigated it. SD is fully aware of this and for the whole of our marriage (24 years) she has manipulated him. i've lost count if the number of times she has phoned asking for money for cars, carpets, uniforms for the girls etc. she has never worked but is a Grand Master at claiming every benefit she can. DH has invariably come up with the money, but now we are pensioners,it is eating into our savings and I'm now saying enough is enough and if SD wants another car she should get off her backside and get a job so that she can pay for it herself. She lives in a town with plenty of buses,but says she "doesn't like public transport" Am I being Wicked Stepmum? Advice please.

She is 32. It is way past the parenting stage. How your husband spends his money is up to him but not when it impacts on you too.

No you are not being a wicked step mum!

I don't think you are being 'a wicked stepmother'
At a guess though, I think you will find it difficult/ impossible to change your husbands mind.
If your SD has managed to manipulate her DF for all these years , I dont think it is going to change anytime soon .
Not really helpful I know!

If this is real and you're not jumping on the Easter holidays weddings/stepmum/MIL bullist: YANBU.

But I don't like your glib use of 'guilt complex'. Guilt and sadness over the divorce are perfectly valid emotions for your husband to have. Or do you not accept that children can be massively negatively affected by divorce that they carry with them into adulthood?

No she shouldn't be fleecing your dh for money and yes she should be taking responsibility for herself but does she have emotional issues, has she had counselling, do any of you talk to her about her feelings and life choices?

I would be tempted to agree with you but it depends really on your financial situation. If your DH can afford to help her out and wants to, without it affecting your standard of living, then it does sound a bit wicked stepmother - ish!
Your assertion that she has been manipulating your DH since the age of 8 does not suggest you have exactly embraced her into your family

I feel for you! My SD is younger than your SD and has no children but she knows exactly how to get what she wants out of her daddy - often to the detriment of our own children, they're not equally treated and understandably it causes a lot of tension and disagreement.

I don't blame SD thgh, she's had a tough time, moved around from house to house, area to area with her "D"M whilst she was a youngster, she has never known stability and DP over compensates but it's not difficult to know why. She's had all of the love and support she could ask for off us.

Her mum has thrown her out numerous time and she's stayed with us each time and been lovely but for some reason she always goes back to her mum. This is the woman that moved 100 miles away to spite her DDs father (she instigated the split too - she was calling his bluff and was pretty pissed off when he moved on and didn't grovel to her). I don't think there's a lot you can do really. She's a fully grown adult and a mother and although she may have had it rough haven't we all? she needs to take responsibility for herself not rely on daddy for hand outs. I feel for you x

Ginmartini, this is definitely real, and I accept that possibly my use of the 'guilt complex' term was glib. Your question about emotional issues has made me think though, and you might have a point as she seems to bounce from relationship to relationship. Her first marriage was a disaster from the start, she married him because her mother told her she could do much better, and it lasted a year. The second marriage ended when her husband, a really decent man, decided he could no longer cope with her frenetic spending of all his salary on clothes and days out leaving nothing for the bills. Neither of the exes are the fathers of the girls by the way.

Funky Children do manipulate to get their own way, OP is simply pointing out that as a result of the situation she's always known how to play her DF to her advantage and push all of the right buttons. All children do it to an extent whether their parents have separated or not, if they are allowed to exploit this then they will, it's learned behaviour

Ok so she's lead a very chaotic life and made poor choices - there will be a reason for this.

If her own parents have not asked her and talked to her about this (which seems pretty fecking astounding to me) or if she's not had counselling then it's not too late for you or them talk to her - not because she's a little girl who needs her mummy and daddy to fix things, but because she's a person who has emotional issues and is struggling and could probably use some support and help (not just money thrown at her for material stuff).

It's interesting that you talk about her as though you had no part in her upbringing. You were married to her dad from when she was 8, yet she has manipulated him throughout your marriage?

What were you and her dad doing from the age of 8 to 18 to ensure she grew up to be a responsible adult?

SD lived with her Mum who moved after the marriage ended so consequently the distance (200+ miles) made seeing her as much as we would have liked was impossible. However, we did have her every other weekend and for longer during the school holidays until she was about 14 or so, when she started asking if we minded if she didn't come as often as she wanted to be with her friends. I suppose the visits dropped to about once a month, but she still came for the holidays. I've always had a good relationship with her, and the only times that I have disagreed with her are all based on her complete refusal to look for any type of job. I'm only guessing, but her mother has not worked since the marriage broke up,and having seen her Mum work the system she thinks she can too.