To not want another baby

[GlitterTwinkleToes]

Some background info been with DH for 7 years married for 3. Had a stillborn baby boy 5 years ago, and lucky enough to have a beautiful 13 month DD.
We are both from huge families, I'm one of seven, he is one of eight and it was the plan to have a big family.
Throughout both pregnancies I was seriously ill, hospitalized at 16 weeks with our baby boy who died, he just wasn't well enough to survive even though the hospital team were fantastic and done everything they could. It near enough killed us both.
DD was not planned, a happy accident. I didn't find out till I was five months gone, a few happy weeks celebrating before I was admitted into hospital again with pernicious anaemia. Emergency blood transfusions, she was born 8 weeks early and I was utterly convinced she was not going to make it just like her big brother.
It would be no surprise to tell you that I've suffered with PND and anxiety which I'm still recovering from, and there are days which I just don't leave the house because I'm terrified of DD being killed by a car, or someone snatching her from her pram - I know its highly unlikely but I can see them playing out in my head and it makes me physically sick.
I can't go through the trauma of another pregnancy, another birth, the constant what ifs, the constant checking that baby is still breathing.
DH understands all of this, I know he is secretly disappointed (he'd never admit it to me) but he tells me how wonderful our little family is everyday.

Its just the family and friends who constantly ask when am i having another one, and why are we waiting (fgs I'm 23! Not exactly over the hill) even knowing what we've been through, I just don't know how to respond to them anymore.

Shit, meant to go into chat, ill ask admin if they can move it.

YANBU - it's your life and your reasons are very valid. I'm sure if your dh had the choice between another child and keeping you 100% due to the pregnancy risks then he'd forgo more dc happily.

So sorry to read about your eldest, perhaps you need to be blunt with your family and tell them you don't intend to have anymore because of the risks involved for you.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy, Glitter. Of course you're not unreasonable to not want to do it again - you've suffered appalling grief and trauma. Anyone who is nipping at your heels to know when you're having another baby deserves a slap. Grieve for your boy and get the support you need to cope with your understandable anxiety. Best wishes.

YADNBU! In the slightest. I'm so sorry for the loss of your eldest.

Do your family and friends know what you've been through? Do they know that it could happen again? If so then they don't sound very supportive. I think you need to be honest with them if they ask you again, tell them that they're being very insensitive and that your reasons are personal to you.

I find the asking so, so rude. The decision to have more children is not always something that can be controlled, some people are so insensitive.

Thank you all, he was a such a beautiful boy, we have a memorial in our garden to remember him.
Its the older generations in our families, relatives that are 70+ who just cant seem to drop the idea of having more children. I suppose in their generation they have seen a lot more death and are very blaise about it. DH suggested saying to them at funerals when are they next to give them a little taste of it He is a fucker and would most probably do it
The younger children I can forgive (brothers of mine) they are too young to understand, they know that i had a baby who died and they adore DD so they want another niece/nephew to play with. My mum does intervene when she hears them asking about it.

Do they know how I'll you were during the pregnancies? Tell them you've been advised not to have any more due to your history, then ignore them.

Sorry how ill not I'll obviously.

Glitter, you have been through a dreadful time and I really feel for you. Congratulations on the birth of your DD. I am from a big family and my DB and his wife have experienced three miscarriages. The single last thing that we would do is encourage them to 'try again'. I think that maybe your family are just trying to be supportive rather than being insensitive. Maybe they just don't understand and think it would help you.

You are, like every parent, extremely lucky to have your daughter. If you haven't already done so please try to get some bereavement counselling for the loss of your lovely son. I haven't been through this trauma but friends of mine have and have benefitted from counselling. Your DH is your greatest supporter and you should lean on him.

I really hope that you can get the support you need. I would love to think that you could allow yourself to experience so much joy from your DD that you could somehow learn to live with your loss. Friends of mine who have lost children, through accident, suicide or illness tell me that the pain never goes away but that they learn to live with it. I haven't lost a child and am painfully aware that my post might seem insensitive but I just want you know that I am very sorry for your loss and that I wish you all the best for the future.

Thank you both so very much for your kind words, means alot.

Browsers No I don't think you are being insensitive at anyway. We both have had counselling in the past and are in therapy at the moment as well. I've accepted that he was not meant to be here, he was just too beautiful to be on earth, it's the only way I can make any sense of it. Don't get me wrong, my heart breaks seeing DD growing up and knowing he's missed out on everything but he'll always be part of our family.
DD brings us both so much joy and happiness, but I am always aware something can go wrong at any moment in time. AD and CBT have been very helpful, its just some days it is all too much, I know its an ongoing problem and am trying to overcome it.

No YANBU!!!! You've been through a LOT and your DD is still young.
Maybe you'll never want another. Maybe in time you will (and you are so young! You have so much time!).

Either way, this is your choice and nobody else's business and you do not need to justify yourself.

Glad you're getting help for your PND. Its totally understandable that you are anxious. Really hope you can make some progress and feel better soon x

Sorry for your loss, glad you've had some support to help you move forward.

Honestly, 'when are you having another' is just one of those things people say to make conversation. YANBU to just say something mild like 'too busy enjoying this one at the moment!' YANBU to be putting off having more but that is no one else's business.

Heartfelt sympathies, OP. My younger brother died shortly after birth and even though I was only a toddler, the impact he had on my life was enormous.

I was am utterly terrified of going through anything like that. I didn't actively decide to have a child - I agreed to see what fate would do and was pregnant within a fortnight - and I thank my lucky stars for the beautiful baby girl that was created. However, we had a traumatic birth experience and there was significant psychological and physical damage (to me), which 4 years later is still in the process of being fixed.

As a result anyone asking about future children gets a raised eyebrow and a comment along the lines of "I struck lucky last time. No need to roll the dice again." In fairness most know not to ask. It's nobody else's business.