Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To think that generally people don't like assertive behaviour from others?

16 replies

Tealrhino · 02/04/2015 18:52

Although it's fine for them to do as they please and take the piss in the first place.

I have been making an effort lately to be more assertive, and have had counselling and read self help books.

Last Sunday I was invited to a friend's house for lunch. She told us to go round at midday. When I arrived not only was there no lunch, she hadn't even been shopping to get food for said lunch, and then said that it'd be nice for us to have the afternoon to chat and so she could get on with jobs, and we'd have an early tea instead. She also wanted me to look after her DC whilst she went to the shop to get food for tea, etc. I had only planned to go for a couple of hours and wanted to get back home to DH and my DCs, and so I said as she wasn't ready for lunch I'd stay and have a coffee and catch up and then head home, as I didn't want to be out all day. She wasn't very happy and moaned at me, and has ignored my calls and texts this week.

I have had other incidences where I have acted assertively when someone has been taking the pee and the person has taken offence at it, despite them being out of order themselves.

OP posts:

Eigg · 02/04/2015 18:54

Most people are fine with assertiveness. Arseholes on the other hand...

Quitelikely · 02/04/2015 18:57

You done the right thing regarding your friend.

Unfortunately if you stop becoming someone's door mat sometimes they don't like it!

Hopefully your friend will show you a bit more respect from here on in.

Well done for being assertive!

Original poster

Tealrhino · 02/04/2015 18:58

I don't think she is talking to me now. She has a habit of falling out with people when they don't comply to her demands; she fell out with a mutual friend who refused to drive 50 miles to collect her one night when she was drunk in another town even though she'd driven there in the first place but just 'decided' to have a drink.

OP posts:

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 19:00

She got used to you being a pushover and doesn't like it when it doesn't work any more. Most people would feel guilty about not having lunch ready have absolutely no problem with you going home.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/04/2015 19:04

She sounds quite the charmer .

Not much of a friend, OP, I'm afraid. I'm not sure where the assertiveness bit comes in - you seemingly behaved politely but appropriately - but she was astonishing unreasonable.

Ludways · 02/04/2015 19:08

I don't think people have a problem with assertiveness but when someone meek turns assertive it can be perceived as bossy/aggressive, people don't like aggressive!

flora717 · 02/04/2015 19:09

Do I know you? I refused to drive to pick up a useless drunken eejit of a former friend. There are more of these out there?

Original poster

Tealrhino · 02/04/2015 20:05

Lol flora they probably are the same person. My 'friend' makes constant demands on others.

OP posts:

redexpat · 02/04/2015 20:12

Which books did you read? I need to improve my assertivness.

Original poster

Tealrhino · 02/04/2015 20:23

Redexpat, "A woman in your own right" is a good one. I can't remember the author though.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2015 20:28

Assertiveness isn't the issue. You changed the goalposts and people don't like having boundaries rewritten. She will either GTFOT because she's basically a nice person who is a bit disconcerted by this or she won't, because she's an arse.

Theknacktoflying · 02/04/2015 20:30

Assertiveness is not getting your own way or making people do your bidding ...

Your 'friend' sounds a complete diva

maliaki · 02/04/2015 21:57

Those people are arseholes and don't like not getting their own way. If you've always pandered to them then they are going to be shitty when you change.

At least this way you separate the arseholes from the friends.

CrapBag · 02/04/2015 22:40

I was more assertive last year with an incident with my friends and they didn't like it. I was very upfront about what I could do and pay with this situation. They even asked me if I could pay towards something else and I said sorry but I couldn't etc etc. Then I got a message that they had decided between them what we all owed and what it covered. Everything I had been upfront about had been ignored and they had decided different then told me about it. When I stuck to my guns I had 3 of them trying to make me feel bad about it. When I told them straight how they were making me feel and I didn't even want to be part of this thing anymore they all quickly turned it around saying they didn't mean it like that and I was taking it wrong.

I took I exactly as they meant it, they just didn't like me not going along with their plans as usual. I admit things haven't been the same since. There were another couple of incidents with individuals involved in the first incident and it was the same again. Me standing up for myself and them not liking it.

Some people don't like it OP. And it's their problem not yours. I have also been learning the same through counselling and compassionate focused therapy and it's been really good to think about myself and put my needs first for a change. Some people really don't like that.

tobysmum77 · 02/04/2015 22:49

No op, some people avoid people who take no shit. There's a big difference. Most people if they invite you round for lunch mean just that.

The issue is that you have friends who take the piss, so yes they won't like you standing up to them.

ElevenTwelve · 02/04/2015 23:52

In my experience, lots (but not all) of people these days think that the world revolves around them and are very quick to have a temper tantrum when others won't comply with their demands.

It is disgusting behaviour but lots of people do pander to these types and so they get away with it and then think that anyone who won't do as they say is being incredibly unreasonable.

Flip