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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want dd to eat her damn supper?

44 replies

fustybritches · 02/04/2015 17:39

She used to eat pasta
She ate pasta when she had a star chart to earn an Elsa doll
She eats pasta bake

So why won't she bloody well eat a single piece of pesto pasta?

I know I'm supposed to be nonchalant about this, but I just can't do it. How can I get her to try things?

I know she's hungry and she doesn't get pudding if she won't try her supper.

Please Mumsnet, I'm at the end of my tether.

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 02/04/2015 18:33

x posted OP. Yes, no pud if dinners not eaten. Unless it's simple fruit maybe :)

Georgethesecond · 02/04/2015 18:38

I would phase out all puds except for yoghurt (not the sugary ones) and fruit. Then you don't have the issue at all.

manchestermummy · 02/04/2015 18:42

One of mine went through a picky phase at that age, and the other (same age as your dd) is going through it now. We stuck to the staples but every now and then something new would be added. So say she would only eat sweetcorn. Sweetcorn daily. Then one day, I might cook a small quantity of peas, or carrots, and put them on the plate alongside the sweetcorn. The familiar is still there, but there is an option extra. Seemed to work.

Dh despairs because DD2 will only eat grated carrot and cheese wraps for lunch. But that's okay in my book: sometimes we'll add a bit of tuna on the side, or some pepper.

It is tricky sometimes!

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 02/04/2015 18:46

Op, the range of foods she is eating isn't too bad. I would make life easier for myself and just give her meals that I know she will eat!

What puddings does she have? I would just stick to fruit most of the time so that she can't fill up with sugar instead a proper meal.

hettie · 02/04/2015 18:53

Your problem is that you give a shit ....stop giving a shit and so will your dd....
There are very few things that dc have absolute control over and what they put in there mouths is one of them (unless your into force feeding).
My dd is fussy (simialr age) and there are often nights when she barely eats/doesn't eat at all. But over a week stuff does go in. She is rake thin (you can see her ribs- school just weighed measureed her and she is 7th centile, but 30th for height) BUT (and importantly) she is thin AND she is still healthy, she is not unhealthy thin, there is no threat to her being thin, she is active, bright eyed and robust and no health proffesional gives a shiny shit about her 7th centile status. It just doens't matter whether she eats or not (until she gets to the point of being dehydrated/emaciated and we are a long long way off that- as I supsect are you). Channel your inner frozen and LET IT GO... Your job is to provide the food, you cannot make her it eat. Step away, it will only end in misery (been there worn the t-shirt)

Original poster

fustybritches · 02/04/2015 18:57

Misery is right Hettie! I do need to give less of a shit. Perhaps I should just leave the room?

OP posts:

Original poster

fustybritches · 02/04/2015 19:02

Pudding is just yoghurt (petit filou type thing) or fruit, ice cream on a Friday.

I don't think plain pasta would work, it's anything not on her approved list. Might put some in her lunchbox, see what happens.

OP posts:

TheOriginalWinkly · 02/04/2015 19:02

Daily pudding seems to cause issues a lot. Can you stop giving pudding after dinner? Maybe give it as a mid afternoon snack or something instead, then she can't fill up on it in place of her dinner.

MrsFlannel · 02/04/2015 19:03

Star charts and food don't go well together.

MagelanicClouds · 02/04/2015 19:09

We're having exactly the same problem with DS. He's 4 and a half and dinner has become a massive negotiation and he still doesn't eat. Trying to keep a cool head when he makes a damn fuss even over oven chips is really hard.
My parents made the mistake of turning every meal into a battle ground and it made me terrified of dinner time and that made eating dinner for me, as a child, even harder. I'm trying not to make the same mistake but it's so hard!
He's also rake thin and I do worry he's not getting enough of the right stuff in him as he always tries to avoid the healthy stuff on the plate.
We also tried a reward chart but I've pretty much given up as it's not working.
I'll try not giving a stuff, but when I've had a day like today - he wouldn't eat any breakfast, lunch I made for preschool came back barely touched - it's hard not to. Surely he must be hungry?
Feeling your pain op, last time I gave DS pasta with sauce he said he wouldn't eat it as it was 'dirty'.

HighwayDragon · 02/04/2015 19:23

Pesto is lovely. Weirdos!

SquinkiesRule · 02/04/2015 19:27

I stopped doing puddings all together. We'd have a yogurt as a snack or fruit. I never made it an issue, stick food on plate and try to include at least one thing each child will eat and leave them to it. Sometimes one would only eat a piece of bread, he made it to adulthood and is very healthy.
BUT, pasta bake is yum, Pesto is not. I'd go hungry if that was the days offering.
Only kid I got involved with eating was a foster toddler, she'd sit all evening picking at her dinner, then scream if I took it away. So we implemented a timer, she could see it ticking away, she had 30 mins after everyone else was done, plenty of time, then the food was gone. Worked a treat.

DisappointedOne · 02/04/2015 19:31

My daughter is 4.5 too she loves pesto. Food is one of the few things they can control. The more you make it into a battle, the harder it's going to get. Chill out. She won't starve.

FairyPenguin · 02/04/2015 19:31

Agree with previous posters - stop giving pudding. Don't make a fuss if she doesn't eat her main, just take it away when she says she's finished. What I used to do was keep it in the kitchen then bring it out if she says she's hungry. I tell them that is all they're getting between now and breakfast so they can eat it or not. Mine have hot school lunches and that comes with pudding so I've told them that is enough sugar for one day. Same with snacks - they can have a piece of fruit or done cheese. If they really want something sweet after dinner, I offer fruit or nothing. They don't bat an eyelid now, and genuinely appreciate yoghurts/ice creams/chocolate when we do offer them as a treat.

hettie · 02/04/2015 19:32

Clouds- to answer your question. What do you think might happen if he 'doesn't get enough of the right stuff'? I'm guessing some of your thoughts might be
'he'll be hungry and then upset and distressed'
'he'll stop growing, his brain development will be effected'
'he'll waste away-get so thin as to be unhealthy' ...
The response to question one is well-yes he might get hungry and that might be unpleasant for him. But thats how he learns about the relationship between food, eating and hunger (or feeling full). Its importannt at this age that children begin to take reposnibility for cause and effect and start to learn the natural consequences of their actions (eg I refuse to put my coat on- I get wet, next time I have a choice- I'll chose to put my coat on). But then again he might not be hungry (I had the appetitite of a sparow as a child and meal times were awful awful epic battles- enormously stressful- but I promise you I was never hungry or I would have eaten).
The other two thoughts are fairly catastophic what ifs... honestly look up data on malnutrition or if it makes you feel any better go and see your GP. the levels of 'thinness' that have any consequence on development are very very low.
Stop negotaiting, if it's too hard to be in the room with, leave them to it. Or fake it, humme an inane tune in your head, ask questions about their day, practice a breezy nochalance look in the mirror and try it out of over dinner....You will tie yourself up in knots and everyone will get more and more miserable... truly don't end up being the person who has resorted to spoon feeding their school age dc (whilst disctracting them with a video game)

Original poster

fustybritches · 02/04/2015 20:06

I never ask her to eat it all ... Just to try it. I think I need to leave the room, not look. Thank you to those sharing your stories of stressful childhood mealtimes and how they've affected you ... I need to hear that. It's my behaviour that needs to change.

OP posts:

hettie · 02/04/2015 20:41

Aww...don't worry it's shows what a great parent you are to reflect in these things. I'm not scarred for life by the meal time stress (although I did recently tell the story of the time my mum blended up a roast dinner that I hadn't eaten and served it up cold the next day to much from my work colleagues). It just escalated from cajolling me to eat (becasue I was skinny and didn't eat) into a whole drama that on reflection my mum now sees as a bit mad- and not altogether a great idea. I'm still skinny and happily tuck into anything and everything with glee abandon (the only thing I've ever rejected is tripe) so I started eating in the end tis a phase honest!

Original poster

fustybritches · 02/04/2015 20:49

Thanks hettie

OP posts:

Blueskybrightstar · 02/04/2015 20:50

I am a fan of the laid back approach, tell her early on what the options are, she chooses one, then eats it...if she claims not to be hungry then fine, don't eat it. Feeling hungry later will probably lead her to the fridge and then your battle is won for you. In her defence if she really doesn't like the taste of something she shouldn't have to eg it - I wouldn't expect my DH or me too so I wouldn't expect our kiddie to either.

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