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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Which Dsis is BU?

19 replies

EstRusMum · 02/04/2015 14:50

I have 2 younger sisters. We are from another country, but have settled in UK and consider it our home.
Now. DSis1(28) came with DP, who she later broke up with - about a year ago. She had no contact with him since. He stayed in UK as he had a job and quite settled life. In the same town as us - 3 sisters.
DSis2(19) since DSis1 left EX has continued to hang out with him. He is actually a part of her friends group. They hang out together, go clubbing etc.

Lately EX has started taking illegal drugs every time they go out. I haven't asked which ones - all of them are bad enough for me. Anyway DSis2 told it to DSis1 who then got in touch with his parents and told them that he is taking drugs. Parents are in our home country and now insisting on him coming home.

Now my lovely not really sisters are having an argument. They live in one house and both are describing me a situation from their point of view:

DSis1 is saying that EX has no support here(no family or friends, except a bunch of 18-20 year olds), therefore his parents should know. His drugs intake is increasing, so she "is worried".
DSis2 is saying that she had no right to do it as it was something she heard from sister in private conversation. "DSis1 is traitor". She also believes that DSis1 did it out of spite, which I think might be true.

I am more agreeing DSis1, as he really have no one in this country apart from teenagers and his boss. Also having DCs myself I would rather know.
But I also understand DSis2, as Ex is now her friend.

Who is BU? Probably me for even trying to sort it out

I apologise for any mistake in grammar or spelling.

OP posts:

mummytime · 02/04/2015 14:54

I think DSis 2 is unreasonable for hanging around with her sister's ex - I'm surprised there haven't been arguments before now. I think the Ex is a bit odd hanging around people so much younger.

His parents probably do need to know, it sounds as if he's on a bit of a downward spiral.

Chillyegg · 02/04/2015 14:55

Personally i feel like DS1 did the responsible thing by telling his parents if it truly was becoming concerning.
However i see why your sister would be annoyed if she told something in confidence, but sounds immature to think its ok for him to be living a lifestyle that is maybe damaging yo his health.

Gottagetmoving · 02/04/2015 14:59

If the EX is a grown man, then there was no need to tell his parents. Your sister should mind her own business.
Your DS2 can't complain though, because she told DS1.

To some degree, they are both unreasonable.

If I were you, I would keep out of it, They both sound spiteful.

base9 · 02/04/2015 15:00

Dsis2 should not be hanging out with the ex. The ex should not be hanging out with a group of teenagers, and certainly should not be taking all the drugs. Dsis1is the only person taking sensible action about the problem.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/04/2015 15:01

I think DS1 is unreasonable. He's 28 and she told his mummy and daddy on him. Perhaps if she approached him first to get a real grasp of the situation before telling.

People have different views on drugs and unless you have a real understanding of what and how often he's taking them, then it's not your place to call his parents

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/04/2015 15:02

Actually fair point, DS1 wouldn't know if DS2 hadn't told her.

Gottagetmoving · 02/04/2015 15:11

Dsis2 should not be hanging out with the ex. The ex should not be hanging out with a group of teenagers

Errmm,.. WHY?? They are adults and can hang out with whoever they like!

madreloco · 02/04/2015 15:14

I don't think anyone can say based on the info given. IS he taking a bit of coke or is he addicted to heroin? There is a whole spectrum.
As for telling his parents, depends on the culture as well as the degree of his drug taking.

Gottagetmoving · 02/04/2015 15:22

I would rather think it depends on his age,

Original poster

EstRusMum · 02/04/2015 15:28

Okay, so he is taking meth. DSis2 doesn't really know how often, but she wouldn't be worried if she saw him doing it once.
They both received a link to read the answers, so you can direct them straight to them. They won't be answering though. Maybe just through me.

OP posts:

Original poster

EstRusMum · 02/04/2015 15:29

Direct the answers straight to them. *

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 02/04/2015 15:33

Dsis2 can be friends with who she likes. Dsis2 shouldn't have called his parents, he's an adult and can do what he wants. It's not her business anymore as he's an ex.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 02/04/2015 15:39

If the EX is a grown man, then there was no need to tell his parents. Your sister should mind her own business.

Dsis1 is completely out of order.

Goldmandra · 02/04/2015 15:39

My concern would only be for the teenagers this guy is hanging out with as he is so into drugs. If he's leading them into drug habits it can only be a good thing for them if he goes back to live with his parents.

Apart from that, he is an adult and can choose to ignore his parents wishes if he wants to so both your sisters are being unreasonable. It's a non-issue and you all need to move on.

MaryWestmacott · 02/04/2015 15:49

Put it the other way: Why on earth was Dsis2 sharing private information about her friend with his exP? She's the one who's behaved the worse here, not just hanging round with her sister's ex, but then talking about him to her. Not really very fair on anyone involved.

I can see why if Dsis1 was part of his family for a while, and one of very few people he knows in this country, she might feel obliged to do something to help him.

But he's a grown man, his parents can 'insist' all they like. It's up to him, although he might well want the excuse to go, he moved to another country with a partner and her family. They've split up, he's managed to make no friends, only hanging round iwth his ex's little sister's mates and doesn't appear to have built much of a life for himself, "going home" might well be the best thing for him, and he might well realise it himself.

madreloco · 02/04/2015 15:52

I'd want to know my child was taking meth while living in a different country, I'd like to try and help them. You don't stop caring just because they are over 18. I'd appreciate someone telling me....and so would the man if it helped him. Meth kills and ruins lives.

mummytime · 02/04/2015 15:58

If my friend was hanging around with my ex - I would probably be unhappy/uncomfortable. Yes they are adults and free to do this; but if it was a friend they would probably be drawn away from if they did this. If they were a housemate I would be looking for a new place to live.

The Ex is in a foreign country and going off the rails, (hanging with much younger people and doing drugs), a friend might well contact his parents if they couldn't help themselves.

PurpleSwift · 02/04/2015 16:07

Ds1 is being unreasonable unless ex is a teenager himself. It's none of anyone's business really that he doesn't have roots here. What does that matter?

Original poster

EstRusMum · 02/04/2015 18:29

Thank you for your answers. I have spoken to both of them and I am going to withdraw from the conflict. Luckily we(siblings) are not staying angry at each other for long.

OP posts:

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